Not sharing couple pics on socials

[Hoppy34]

For quite a few years now I’ve noticed my husband doesn’t share any pictures of me on his Instagram stories (he never posts on the grid but regularly posts on stories).
he posts lots of the children, and things he is doing (DIY projects etc) but even when we’ve been on holiday I am never shared even when he takes family pics of us.
I brought it up with him a few years ago whilst we was on holiday and asked if he was enjoying his single dads holiday as that is what it looks like. He laughed it off and said “everyone knows I’m married”. I just left it but slowly it’s been eating away at me.
I’ve recently found some inappropriate messages on his phone to a “friend” which although is a another story, I can’t help but feel the lack of me on his socials was a massive red flag prior to me seeing these.

I can’t think of any other reason as to why he’d constantly share all other aspects of his lift but not me unless it is to appear single on there so he can flirt with others…
thoughts.

I would presume the inappropriate messages to a "friend" that you have found are very much linked to him.presenting himself as a single man on his Social Media.

In today's day and age of is actually far more normal not to share than to share. Consent, privacy etc.
I never share my partner's photos online. It's not my place to decide that he would be absolutely fine with his face plastered all over social media. And I would be pretty pissed off of he did it to me and, worse, the kiddo.
Inappropriate messages is an entirely separate issue

At first I was going to say that maybe he wants to keep you to himself but then you wrote about messages... Try councelling before dumping since you have children.

I don't post photos of my husband, nor do I comment on his posts. I live with him. I can talk to him in real life not through SM.

The messages however are a problem.

I don't even follow my husband on social media, nor he me. We both actively avoid having our photo taken - separately or together. But that's all irrelevant, because our real life isn't lived on social media.

Agree with @longdistanceclaraclara my dh and I are same. Neither share couple pics on socials. We talk to each other in person not via social media.

yes the messages are a big red flag.

I would be annoyed if anyone shared any photo of me on social media, husband and son included.

The messages however, are a different kettle of fish.

Can't say it bothers me tbh, we were pretty private though when it comes to SM and don't post pretty much.

Everyone knows we were together and still think it now even though we've been split up a year.

The messages are a whole different thread though!!

The issue isn’t that your H isn’t active on social media, he just doesn’t post pictures of you. What other people are saying about not following their H ect isn’t relevant as this doesn’t apply to you. It’s like he’s writing you out of his life, posing as a single man and coupled with the messages that it very concerning.

Thankyou yes. I’m not massively active on socials myself either however I do share family pictures whilst on holiday etc like most people (not everyone I’m aware). However my husband is an almost daily poster on his stories. From working on his allotment, to doing the school run, to walking the dogs. It’s excessive imo but wash to their own. My issue is that if that’s who he is (over sharer), why am I left out of that?

@Hoppy34 what you are saying is perfectly reasonable. My partner and I don’t post anything at all on social media so it doesn’t bother me.
How did he respond to you asking him about how he’s styling himself as a single man,
Do you ever tag him in family pics and does he untag himself if so?
More worrying is the inappropriate messages.. you obviously know the content.

Thankyou this is currently happening as I know it’s a lot to walk away from. I just can’t help reading more into the lack of pictures for so long and wondering whether I’ve been turning a blind eye to it for too long.

I use social media a bit and will share family holidays etc. Mostly I do stuff me and the kids and that's what I share. Husband isn't much of a social media user but I tag him in when I share a family holiday photo. In fact it always prompts a mutual friend of ours to make the same 'joke' about the fact he is still part of the family.
If DH used social media and didn't recognise me in the same way online I'd definitely have an issue.

We don't converse online with each other - we have real life for that. But we don't publicly pretend the other doesn't exist, either.

The messages is a separate issue, but undoubtedly contributed to by his lack of public acknowledgement of your relationship.

Sadly I'd agree that yes he wants to appear single. I know plenty of people who choose not to post due to privacy but that doesn't mean excluding only one person. I'd say the messages are a result of that image. Either ask him, or post and tag him in. See if he objects...

Now the messages are another chat but I'd get finances in order before I let on that I knew. So you're in a safe place, whichever way you go.

Hope you're OK.

He laughed and said everyone knows I’m married to you, I talk about you at work all the time. It was then just dropped as we were on holiday and I didn’t want to cause conflict.

In was hurt earlier in the year as he posted a picture of him as a child with his mum and a big gushing Mother’s Day post to her, but me, nothing. He works away mon- fri and I am pretty much a single mother during the week to the kids as well as working so it felt like a slap in the face. Either post about us both or neither of us?! I feel like I’m being petty at times though and hate social media makes me feel that way.

I don’t tag him in pictures no.

I do know the content, not all as I only read a handful but one was implying he was “obsessed” with her and another earlier one was him telling her how he “always compliments” her. So god knows what else there was.

I have confronted him. I got the usual “it’s just banter” response 🥱
then he’s very sorry, he doesn’t fancy her blah blah blah.

For me the inappropriate messages would be the issue, but this is the problem with dealing with untrustworthy people. It makes you scrutinise everything.

I was with my ex for 13 years and I never once posted him on my socials. Didn't bother him one bit.

Yes the messages are obviously the big issue here, but as you say, I’m now looking at everything and wondering if I’ve missed really obvious signs this was going to happen/ might have happened before because of how he’s presented himself for so long.

I'm sorry he's done this to you. Cheating and inappropriate behaviour is such a headf*ck.

He’s up to no good.

Don't do that. The reason why you are doing it is because you are subconsciously trying to assign the blame to yourself for his behaviour. If only I'd known, if only I'd done xyz, if only I'd been better at... Because realizing that the person you love is an arse is a difficult and a painful step.
What you are doing is a slippery slope which will only lead to self- loathing and guilt. Don't do it to yourself.

My ex husband was like that…..it’s awful.

I do know the content, not all as I only read a handful but one was implying he was “obsessed” with her and another earlier one was him telling her how he “always compliments” her. So god knows what else there was.

@Hoppy34 that ^ is not banter. I’m one of the much-denigrated non-monogamous people on MN and honestly, I would find this far beyond the pale in a monogamous relationship (or even with as a conversation my husband was having with someone he hadn’t disclosed as being a date). I’m a big advocate of mixed sex friendships but that’s not innocent mate chat and I wouldn’t accept it as such. Sorry he’s being so shit

My DH and I never post couple pictures.

I find the cringey

I understand that you are trying to work out if you should have seen it coming but I suppose it doesn’t really matter? The key thing is that he opens up and admits what’s been going on with the messages, and reflects on why he misses you out of his social media presence. He needs to lean into that and be honest with himself. Hopefully counselling will help but he needs to decide what’s most important to him. The ways he’s been acting or his complete family.

i was going to say.. my DH doesnt share photos of me on his social media either, however, my DH doesn't share anything! unless its football or rugby related or an event he's interested in. He tends to share anything i post, which to be fair is also very little.

however, therefore its odd your DH shares everything else but anything you are connected too.

has this always been the case or is it a new thing? and how recent are these messages?

sounds like conversations need to be have, is he happy with you sharing photos of him and 'tagging' him or is that a no no too?