To ask for ND child to use a different school door

[ThisOldRodeo]

DD is finding it difficult to go to school. It takes a long time to get her there in the morning.
We can just about deal with this, but now she is seeing a girl that severely bullied her for about a year, 2 years ago. This girl should have been removed from the school imo, but the school made the decision to keep her there. In the real world with adults, you wouldn't expect to see somebody again, had they assaulted you, yet dd has been expected to just get over this some time ago. She is 7yrs old.

Is it unreasonable to ask if dd can use a different entrance to go into school in the morning? She has expressed to me that this would help so much. Dh thinks we should leave it, and try to time it so we don't see this girl. This isn't always possible due to dd's reluctance to get ready for school in the morning, coupled with the fact she worries she will see her regardless of the time.

What would be the best thing to do in this situation? It is very upsetting to see my child struggle like this.

Severely bullied when she was 4 years old? Not saying it didn't happen but at that age a school wouldn't remove a 4 or 5 year old. They are still developmentally learning how to behave and interact with others.

It can’t hurt to ask. Your poor DD and poor you, it sounds really difficult. Have you followed the school’s anti bullying policy? I’ve never had to do it but I’ve seen good advice on other threads on here. I hope things improve. You’re absolutely right that we expect so much more from children than adults would tolerate in similar circumstances.

No, they weren't , they were in year 1 so age 5-6 years. The school said the behaviour was extreme. It wasn't your average behaviour, for that age. Social services are heavily involved with the family in question, the young teen sister who isn't in school takes this girl into school. It is a very sad situation all around.

I think that would be a reasonable adjustment, yes. It’s an easy way to remove a source of anxiety.

Five year old still hit unfortunately. It would be overkill to hold them to the standards of adults, do you really think that they should? Have you gone overboard or did you try to help your DD process it?

I would ask.
Ask for a trial run and say you will review it.

Speak to the SEND lead

If your child is ND, I guess you have a learning support plan, ESP or EHCP? Have this added to their learner profile and plans. You can review it at your meeting with the SEND lead or any time you feel the need to discuss it.

Please read my post above. It involved sharp implements, deliberately cutting skin from my daughte's arm to create a nasty wound, and stabbing at my daughters eye with a dinner knife. The bruises on her legs were so bad we thought she had a health condition. It was targeted and constant.

This wasn't your usual 5/ 6 year old year 1 child behaviour.

I would definitely ask for this if it would ease her anxiety. I am sorry your child experienced this.

Thank you, yes, I only wish to protect my daughter's mental health. It is heartbreaking, and would be distressing for a NT child nevermind a ND one.

I'm sorry that happened to your daughter. It sounds very distressing and like your daughter was unfortunately on the end of very challenging behaviour by a traumatized and neglected child.

As for the alternative entrance, it's a reasonable accommodation. I imagine what is bothering your daughter may be the uncertainty about whether or not she will see this child. The alternative entrance is a reasonable way to remove that uncertainty and ensure consistency on what arrival into school is like. Good luck with the request.

It's not unreasonable to ask, especially if your child has an EHCP and the school have a member of staff who can facilitate it. May be harder for them if there's nobody able to meet her at the other entrance. You could also ask for an earlier or later drop off at the same entrance if they say no. Can you get a professional to recommend it? If it's anxiety related it may be one for CAMHS (if she has support from them).

It's very hard for schools to expel children on child in need plans as there are so many extenuating factors. Probably the right thing for the other child especially at 5/6 but must be really hard for your daughter so they should really help regardless of an EHCP.

Thank you @Musicofthespiers the school seem to think that this girl is better now, but we feel it is a sticking plaster. She had a very traumatic home life, and her behaviour reflects what is happening there. It is horrible, and I feel for the girl. However at the same time, my daughter shouldn't have to have her mental health further affected.

I think this would be an excellent idea. It's sending the message that adults around her listen to her and help her.

It's also one of those situations where if you ask for something specific and it's easy for the school to do, they will often do it. Presuming your daughter would just be going in via the school office or something, it's there and staffed anyway and if it eases getting an anxious child into school then it's win win.

However if she is spending a lot of her day with this child then consider whether this would actually solve the problem, or just be a slightly heavier duty sticking plaster.

Yes ask. The worst they can say is no.
Tell them it will make the attendance easier. That your DD struggles to be in close proximity to the girl who has difficult behaviour and it’s very stressful to start the day this way for you and her. Just ask politely and hopefully they will say yes. x

I have done this for my ND child without the bullying involved. Going in with everyone else was a sensory overload and meant it was hard for her to settle, so we agreed with the primary school that she could go in through the main reception.

It's a reasonable adjustment and made a hugely positive difference to her day. As a SEND parent you have to be prepared to be an advocate constantly as it's the small things like this that make it easier for our children to be in school and I've always found that the teachers are always happy to try and make things easier for them (as then it often makes their day easier too!)

I also found a home school diary a very helpful thing at this stage - so they would write in anything that had happened that needed flagging, and I would write in if they'd had a bad night, or if they'd said anything that would be helpful for the school to know. It lived in her bookbag and enabled everyone to be aware of any issues before they became big ones.

How horrible for your daughter. Hopefully over the course of the last 2 years her bully had developed a bit.

I think its only the first week of school, I'd try a bit longer with the normal door- how long would she want to use the other one? For the rest of her school career.
She's with a parent when she sees the girl, in the gentlest way she's going to need to build some resilience. She's safe with mummy/ daddy when she's seeing her.

Surely she's just going to see the girl around school sometimes? Avoidance can raise anxiety and create a bigger issue.

Oh I totally agree. I think the issue is that she is already struggling, and then that on top of this. Dd gets sensory overloaded as it is, and then this is adding to it. This girl has already been bullying loads of other kids too, and her behaviour is still unpredictable.

Definitely ask OP.

If DD wants to go in through a door which is staffed anyway they should agree

It's a quick win for everybody, no one needs to put themselves out and hopefully DD will have a better start to the day.

Best of luck.

I'd say that it wouldn't hurt to ask. In my experience, most schools will try to accommodate if they can.

I would also say that your DD has got a LOT of years left of seeing this girl around. Playtimes, lunchtimes, assembly, classes joining up to do joint activities, etc. If she's genuinely that traumatised, is moving schools an option?

Thank you so much. There are two other doors, one is a entrance connected to SEN, a teacher does have to open that though.
The other is at the front of the school for the next year up, dd has expressed she would rather go via this door. It is staffed, and her class room is infact closer to this entrance too. I am hoping the school will let her use this one.

Thanks. It isn't an option.

I have a feeling the girl in question will not last in the school that much longer, or if she does there may be more put in place again to supervise more closely. There was already another little girl in tears about her recently.

I would also say that your DD has got a LOT of years left of seeing this girl around. Playtimes, lunchtimes, assembly, classes joining up to do joint activities, etc. If she's genuinely that traumatised, is moving schools an option?

I agree with this. She shouldn’t have to be the one to move but ultimately this may be the only way to protect her on a daily basis.

To compare to an adult situation, if I was facing a similar character in the workplace and there was no sign of them being pushed out or choosing to go, I’d get another job.

This is not an option, and the other schools are far away, and we have another child in this school. This is the safest, and best of the schools in our area. We would be going from bad to worse.
I wouldn't move dd, and feel some changes made by the school could help massively. I also feel as dd gets older and gets the help she needs from.CYPS, and more in place this will also help.

Every infant school I’ve worked in ( 40 years) would have willingly accommodated your request.