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AIBU?

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Original poster

Annoying FIL, i am gonna loose my sh**!!!

69 replies

AnxietyLevelMax · 09/09/2024 20:36

We barely see each other due to a distance…relationship is also a bit rocky but oh well... i just cant stand my FIL! Arrived in the morning and whole day to a 3.5yr old…”oh we will pack our bags and go back, you are not happy we are here”..”come give me a kiss or i am going back home”..”i think i will give all your clothes to a boy next door” (bc he wasnt into looking at them properly cause he got some toys as well and was excited about them more). All said as a joke, not in a mean way but to get constant appreciation and attention and show how DS listens to him… winding him up ALL THE FREAKING time!!! Which causes ds to get upset eventually and then we hear as in those moments we need to show who is the boss bc he will walk over us and keep getting more and more angry always

AAARRRGGGHHHH!!!!!

OP posts:
itsjustbiology · 10/09/2024 10:09

FIL you might think you are hilarious..sadly we shall have to beg to differ. Take your toys and f**k off. Should do it!

itsjustbiology · 10/09/2024 10:16

Or..Here we go again.you just cannot help yourself can you? Turn to dh ..sorry but we were right,how often do we have to put up with this crap ? add severe eye roll whilst looking dead faced at FIL ..you have to embarrass him. He sounds pathetic. Pull him into line and make him look small.

Topseyt123 · 10/09/2024 10:39

AnxietyLevelMax · 09/09/2024 22:12

if i properly address anything he takes an offence amd there is a big row and guilt tripping, black mailing us etc
i know you are right, all of you. Its just very hard to do with him. I am also pregnant and feeling rough and have no power for his bullshit at the moment

If he takes offence then so be it. You grow a backbone and stick to your guns. It would mean that you have actually hit the spot and made him think, even if he might initially still try to do nothing about his behaviour.

You and your DH need to stop being such a pair of wet lettuces and stick up for your DS. It isn't DS who needs to be shown who is boss here, it is FIL. He needs to see that with YOUR child YOUR rules apply, and even more so in YOUR own home. If he doesn't like that then he has a home of his own that he can go to. Win, win and so what if he throws a tantrum about it!

Stop being jokey about things and start meaning them. Take the toys off FIL pronto and pointedly give them back to DS. If FIL complains (he will do) then tell him you don't approve of his methods and to grow up or leave. Then just let him either sulk or leave, or both.

Hoppinggreen · 10/09/2024 10:42

AnxietyLevelMax · 09/09/2024 20:45

Oh i wish but it would cause world war III and its only a week…

Show quote history

Well you either challenge him and cause WW3 or put up with it, those are your options.
Nobody has a magic formula for you so unfortunately you have to decide which you prefer. For me it would be option A to teach my child about boundaries

Olika · 10/09/2024 10:43

You need to out your child's wellbeing first. If that means you have to be very blunt with FIL then that what it needs to be. If he takes offence that's his problem. You cannot let this harmful behaviour keep going on just because you don't want your upset a grown man.

Topseyt123 · 10/09/2024 10:44

AnxietyLevelMax · 10/09/2024 09:02

Thank you all. i read all your replies and agree with what you are saying.

MIL will follow FIL with everything in a heartbeat (when FIL and DH had a fall out MIL didnt speak to own son either or grandson or anyone because of them being not on the best terms), she did say few times to DS “oh dada is joking” when DS was getting upset but she would never say anything back to FIL. Talking to her is not am option because she would go to him and tell him about complaining and it would not achieve anything.

DS besides getting upset sometimes doesnt really take rest of the things to heart yet…when he got his gifts and FIL eventually said he will get bigger one for a baby (i am pregnant) because
baby will love him more or something like that, DS told him baby is small and needs small toys to play with…and carried on with whatever he was doing at that time.

or when he got his gifts he said thank you, he is 3.5 and i think it was a proud moment as we didnt need to even remind him to thank for the gifts or whatever when you teach your small kids…he said it on his own…i was proud, but there was no hug or kiss which FIL picked up on and DS said he already told him thank you (so basically why do you need me to give you kisses)

I absolutely love your last couple of paragraphs here. Your DS has some boundaries in his head which you need to help him to enforce in front of FIL.

BeautyGoesToBenidorm · 10/09/2024 10:55

Aquamarine1029 · 09/09/2024 22:24

Come the fuck on, you and your husband aren't "stuck" anywhere. Grow a backbone and protect your child from this idiot's teasing and bullying. You're a grown-up in your own home, act like it. Tell this twat he can either behave or leave.

Completely agree. This is YOUR house and YOUR child.

My exH is a total invertebrate when it comes to his parents, exFIL once slapped my eldest in the face for sniffing (he had a cold). I lost my shit to an absolutely apocalyptic degree, exH just said "Well he probably didn't mean it."

He's an ex for a bloody good reason!

TheRavenSaid · 10/09/2024 11:17

AnxietyLevelMax · 09/09/2024 20:45

Oh i wish but it would cause world war III and its only a week…

Show quote history

Let it

Newuser75 · 10/09/2024 11:19

Ah my father in law was very similar. It was really annoying and I often had to bite my tongue.
It's a difficult one, is your husband on the same page?

TheRavenSaid · 10/09/2024 11:29

Noseybookworm · 09/09/2024 22:36

Can you have a word with MIL alone and explain that FIL way of communicating with DS is upsetting him. I'm sure it's not meant to and he probably thinks it's lighthearted teasing. Tell her that DS won't want to spend time with Grandad if he keeps on. Hopefully she'll speak to him and get him to pipe down!

Show quote history

I'm sure you dont mean it this way - but why is it MILs problem to deal with?

Just fucking tell him his behaviour is not acceptable and if he chooses to leave over it, then have a nice trip

Original poster
AnxietyLevelMax · 10/09/2024 12:33

Newuser75 · 10/09/2024 11:19

Ah my father in law was very similar. It was really annoying and I often had to bite my tongue.
It's a difficult one, is your husband on the same page?

What did you do?

dh is on the same page but traumatic childhood is not helping sticking up although he did multiple times fore when fil or pil were unkind or unfair

OP posts:
Newuser75 · 10/09/2024 12:44

@AnxietyLevelMax my husband talked to him but it made no difference, he died a few years ago.
No advice, just solidarity.

LookItsMeAgain · 10/09/2024 13:02

You (or your DH) need to put a stop to this as it’s so confusing for a poor kid.
”FiL - we don’t give gifts with strings attached. Either you want to give DS clothes or you don’t. Which is it?”

or

”Fil - please give DS back his toys. We don’t barter for affection. If DS wants to give you a hug/kiss/whatever, he will. He’s definitely not going to do it if you’re holding his toys hostage. Please give them back now”

or something like that.

LookItsMeAgain · 10/09/2024 13:04

AnxietyLevelMax · 09/09/2024 20:57

My husband agrees with me but also struggle with boundaries. If things are getting too much he is first to put a stop to all the nonsense and we had fall outs in the past, but really we are stuck here

When you had fallouts in the past, did they result in your FIL not speaking to you? If they did I’d consider that a result and I wouldn’t get back in touch until he could see the error of his ways.

CrochetForLife · 10/09/2024 13:08

You might need to do something radical like go NC until he learns. Because this is serious. This is about safeguarding. He is bullying your son. Not only is he bullying your child, but he is telling him that he must show affection to adults in order to be allowed anything. That is breaching your son's boundaries and may set him up to be sexually abused or assaulted later on (not saying by FIL, but by anyone). Forcing a child to give kisses or hugs is dangerous and means they feel they cannot say no. Please go NC or make it clear if the bullying and threats and coercion doesn't stop, you will go NC.

Peachy2005 · 10/09/2024 13:57

You need to protect your child above all else. A whole week of this and your child’s natural boundaries and confidence may be completely eroded. It’s irrelevant what your MIL will do if you kick FIL out and go NC with your FIL. If she supports your DS being treated this way, she is no loss, even if she and your DS currently have a lovely relationship. Your DS can thrive without contact with manipulative grandparent(s) but he needs his parents to have his back. Do your job!

Isthisreasonable · 10/09/2024 14:07

He sounds really creepy. I wouldn't be happy having him in the house

Pictures50 · 10/09/2024 14:38

So your husband is ok with his traumatic childhood to be revisited via his son?

Time to go no contact and move on as a family.

MrsTerryPratchett · 10/09/2024 14:44

Your FIL sounds like a toxic bully and MIL sounds like she’s been conditioned to tiptoe around him to keep the peace.

This. My cousin, with counselling and support, eventually cut off his father. His mother did exactly as you're describing OP; took the dad's side, acted as a hostage and flying monkey etc.

It took him YEARS to realise that his mother had failed him too. That she had protected an abusive man, rather than her son, that she had made the abuse more pervasive and more difficult to avoid, that she had enabled.

If anything he feels his mother was worse now. Because he would have been able to avoid a lot of the abuse without her.

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