Annoying FIL, i am gonna loose my sh**!!!

[AnxietyLevelMax]

We barely see each other due to a distance…relationship is also a bit rocky but oh well... i just cant stand my FIL! Arrived in the morning and whole day to a 3.5yr old…”oh we will pack our bags and go back, you are not happy we are here”..”come give me a kiss or i am going back home”..”i think i will give all your clothes to a boy next door” (bc he wasnt into looking at them properly cause he got some toys as well and was excited about them more). All said as a joke, not in a mean way but to get constant appreciation and attention and show how DS listens to him… winding him up ALL THE FREAKING time!!! Which causes ds to get upset eventually and then we hear as in those moments we need to show who is the boss bc he will walk over us and keep getting more and more angry always

AAARRRGGGHHHH!!!!!

Fil dont be mean to ds

FIL. That is mean, dont say that

DS. Dont listen to fil, he is being mean

DS. Fil doesnt want to play with you right now, come and play with me

DS dont listen to fil, he must be grumpy and need a nap

and then dont engage on the whys and wherefores while ds is there, if fil has a fit, tell him you will talk about it later when ds is in bed…and then tell him he is acting like a brat with his grandson and ds is still too little to understand sarcasm and jokes

Can you have a word with MIL alone and explain that FIL way of communicating with DS is upsetting him. I'm sure it's not meant to and he probably thinks it's lighthearted teasing. Tell her that DS won't want to spend time with Grandad if he keeps on. Hopefully she'll speak to him and get him to pipe down!

How is your DS dealing with the teasing?

Yes it’s ok to cut him completely. Please don’t teach your son to overrule his boundaries, it’s what people do grooming.

You might as well speak your mind now before a massive fall out occurs. He might still go home but is that any loss?
"FIL,
Stop the teasing and saying do xyz or I will go home. Do you realise how many times you say that? DS might call your bluff.
Stop saying you'll watch Paw Patrol, it's unkind and we are trying to settle him to sleep.
Stop generally winding him up, it's not funny, it's irritating and mean to a little boy.

So he's holding MIL like he holds DS's toys to control behaviour?

Yes, it's OK to cut him off. With mine, who behaves like this in SIL's house, I told him, I told DH and I said that if he emotionally hurt my child he would never set foot in my house as long as I lived there.

He behaves in my house.

You cannot give in to the bullshit or it motivates them. Take assertiveness class if you must. But hold your boundaries.

Your FIL is a toxic bully.
This will be a pattern of behaviour that will cause awful distress to your child as he grows.
He won't understand why his grandfather causes him this distress and it will cause awful confusion in him.

He is a freak.
A bully.
Personality disorder.
He gets his kicks out of winding up and upsetting people and then turns into a controlling bully if challenged.

This is not someone you want around your children.

At the very very least limit contact dramatically.
Visiting you for a week is a disaster, far too long.
They should not be staying with you.
Make that your boundary.

That would infuriate me. If he kept deliberately upsetting my kid, I'd think I'd just get angry and (unless it's really going to upset the kid more) make him sort it out: "You teased him on purpose. You calm him down, grandad!" Let him deal with the consequences of his actions. Otherwise, make your husband do it. It's his family causing the issues.

I'd take ds and go and stay with your mum for the duration. Make it clear to your dh and to pil why you are going away.

Hey FIL give ds back the toy please, he doesn't have to kiss or cuddle anyone he doesn't want to.
FIL stop winding ds up and act your age.
FIL if you want to go home you're welcome to.

Let him blow up and guilt trip and cut contact, thats not your problem. Keep in touch with MIL via text and keep her updated as she might want to maintain the relationship.

What a knob that's incredibly trying. I think you also deal with it politely every time. Just say to DS 'no Gramdad will not being with paw Patrol' 'no you do not have to touch anyone you don't want to DS, why don't you blow Grandad a kiss from here'. It's like DOUBLE parenting, since you have to deal with DS and his infantile Grandfather. Who sounds like he already has form for emotional blackmail!

But you’re letting him guilt trip and blackmail your child instead? OP, you and your partner are the parents. Protect your child from this kind of treatment!

I dislike this kind of "humour", too. Every time a grandparent does it, I say directly to my child, "Grandad is joking, DS". I don't agree with other posters who say you should pretend to misunderstand and follow through (e.g. when he says they are leaving, say ok and arrange that). I actually think that would be very damaging to your DS. He will feel responsible for Grandad leaving, as that's how the whole scenario will have been presented. That's horrible for a kid.

With the Paw Patrol example, I'd call him out, but again speaking directly to your DS. "DS, Grandad is joking, he is not going to be watching Paw Patrol. He's being mean, saying that, because he thinks it's funny. Don't worry, no one is watching Paw Patrol without you."

I appreciate being assertive, setting boundaries and insisting that people respect them can feel uncomfortable but by avoiding feeling that discomfort yourselves, you and your husband are passing the discomfort to your child. He will be aware of the cruelty of your FILs comments regardless that they are excused as “jokes”. He will also be aware that you have stood by and allowed FIL to continue and not protected him.

Bite the bullet and do what is best for your child before he grows to believe he must accept people, even family, can treat him badly and he isn’t worth more than that.

Keep addressing it. Then when your visit/their visit is over your DH needs to phone and have a serious word. Using examples. It's emotional blackmail. That and you don't visit next visit

What a pathetic knobhead he is 😡
Totally understand your rage here OP 💐

Stand up for your child. Stop letting this man be so manipulative and selfish. If it causes a problem then so be it, that's on him, not you. I'd be cutting contact with someone behaving like that around children, it's emotional blackmail and demanding physical affection from a child as an adult is creepy as fuck.

Both you and your husband need to deal with this because it shows your child that their boundaries aren't being respected. If FiL has a tantrum, leave him to it.

I would probably say something like, "Please stop blackmailing him to get kisses and cuddles. This could affect him emotionally in the future and teach him that to get that gift, he has to sell his body. You have to ask him for a kiss and him to come to you willingly".

Hopefully, once your FIL stops to think, he will stop doing it.

Oh for fuck sake,he needs telling straight and if it causes a row so be it.
Can't he just interact with your ds without winding him up with all that teasing nonsense as he must see that it upsets him.

So MIL is there, too, at the same time? What does she say when this happens? Does she say anything to FIL?

Can you speak to MIL and get her to correct/speak to FIL?

Thank you all. i read all your replies and agree with what you are saying.

MIL will follow FIL with everything in a heartbeat (when FIL and DH had a fall out MIL didnt speak to own son either or grandson or anyone because of them being not on the best terms), she did say few times to DS “oh dada is joking” when DS was getting upset but she would never say anything back to FIL. Talking to her is not am option because she would go to him and tell him about complaining and it would not achieve anything.

DS besides getting upset sometimes doesnt really take rest of the things to heart yet…when he got his gifts and FIL eventually said he will get bigger one for a baby (i am pregnant) because
baby will love him more or something like that, DS told him baby is small and needs small toys to play with…and carried on with whatever he was doing at that time.

or when he got his gifts he said thank you, he is 3.5 and i think it was a proud moment as we didnt need to even remind him to thank for the gifts or whatever when you teach your small kids…he said it on his own…i was proud, but there was no hug or kiss which FIL picked up on and DS said he already told him thank you (so basically why do you need me to give you kisses)

No, I think you need to speak up for your 3 year old in these situations, especially when things are dependent on giving a kiss. Your child is watching you.
(I’ve been there, FIL is a cunt. When my kids are watching him be a twat, I make sure they see me stand up for myself. Well, past tense - we don’t see him anymore.)

Dear FIL, I know you are only teasing DS when you say "insert whatever idiotic thing he has said", but he's only little and he doesn't always understand you are joking. I'm sure you didn't realise but he got upset when you said that, and I'm sure you don't want to upset your grandson, DO YOU?!!

Followed by a narrow-eyed death stare and then a big smile!

Boundaries OP, boundaries.

The important thing with boundaries is that your boundaries don’t require anyone else to do/not do something. It’s what you are willing to accept. What behaviour are you willing to put up with? What are you prepared to accept on behalf of your son? What does he have to experience?

Your FIL sounds like a toxic bully and MIL sounds like she’s been conditioned to tiptoe around him to keep the peace.

You will only be guilt-tripped if you let yourselves be guilt-tripped. It’s all a choice. FIL is choosing to be a total a-hole even though you’ve spoken about it and made it clear his behaviour is unwelcome, MIL is choosing to ignore his awful behaviour and also choosing to side with him, you and DH are choosing to put up with his behaviour.

The examples you’ve given are pretty bad. The fact that your 3 year old is angry/sad at what FIL is saying is very illuminating. Children that age have “pure” reactions to emotions ie they haven’t had years of experiencing toxic crap so they haven’t learnt to keep people happy, change their behaviour to avoid confrontation, kowtow to the abuser, accept toxic treatment. How your son reacts is how anyone should react if they weren’t constrained by worrying about kissing off WW3 or having the PIL go NC with you. The threat of NC is an abusive power play btw. “Do as I want or else I will punish you”.

If he wasn’t your FIL, would you put up with his behaviour? What he’s doing is controlling emotional abuse. It is damaging. Have a chat with your DH and decide what you are willing to accept. Your FIL isn’t going to listen to you so you need to find your line and stick to it. If you don’t see him that often, he won’t be missed. If MIL is going to stop speaking to you because of it then she is choosing him over the rest of her family and will have to live with that. You either continue to get irate every time you see him and watch your son get upset or you put in some boundaries and refuse to accept his behaviour.

Good luck!