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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be extremely upset

39 replies

delusionalspell · 09/09/2024 09:33

My partner and I have been together 8.5 years and have DS (7), partner has DS (9) from previous relationship.

Family life has been fantastic with us and kids.

Ex is a reincarnation of the devil and does everything in her power to upset family life in our household. Eg, will tell DSS that he does not have to stay or see us, will encourage him to leave if he feels like it, does not have to do as I ask him, he can be rude to me if he likes because I am not his family, hurts and attacks dad and other people, will send things to the house like cake and specify that DS 7 is not to have any etc.

She continually says things about DS 7, like he’s very ugly, overweight, dresses ridiculous. DSS knows these things are wrong but it seems mum has been in his head a lot as he is now beginning to act just like her toward us.

DSS has time alone with dad, but will openly try to exclude DS and say ‘you’re not invited, I hate you, you’re not my brother’ etc etc.

I have tried to speak to DSS on many occasions and explained that his behaviour is hurtful and upsetting, and he understands this. He is usually a loving, kind, little boy. However, each time he comes back from his mum things are getting worse and worse.

I have spoken to my partner on so many occasions regarding this and how much he is upsetting me and DS, but partner shifts all blame on to ex (mum). It is now causing arguments between my partner and I, and I feel like breaking down every day as every issue is always about DS & I.

My partner will not confront his ex. His excuse is that it will get him nowhere. I feel that DS and I are always in the firing line and it’s awful.

AIBU to ask him to speak to her? Or am I wrong?

I feel like packing up all of our things and running away as the whole scenario has worn me out. :(

OP posts:
warningsecurityguards · 09/09/2024 09:37

Mmmm, OP, if your DSS is 9, and your relationship is 8.5 yrs old, then your DH left his ex with a baby under 12m old.

Well under, unless he hopped out of his ex’s bed and straight into yours.

That kind of hurt can last a lifetime.

As the saying goes, you don’t have an ex problem, you have a partner problem.

He needs to support you, but going on his track record that’s not his strong suit.

AmyLovesAutumn · 09/09/2024 09:40

I agree with @warningsecurityguards I think there’s more of a backstory here.

fizzymizzy · 09/09/2024 09:40

but partner shifts all blame on to ex (mum).

The woman he left, with a very small baby?

Yeah. He is the absolute problem.

Changeiscomingthisyear · 09/09/2024 09:42

warningsecurityguards · 09/09/2024 09:37

Mmmm, OP, if your DSS is 9, and your relationship is 8.5 yrs old, then your DH left his ex with a baby under 12m old.

Well under, unless he hopped out of his ex’s bed and straight into yours.

That kind of hurt can last a lifetime.

As the saying goes, you don’t have an ex problem, you have a partner problem.

He needs to support you, but going on his track record that’s not his strong suit.

And then after leaving his first child he went onto to have another one very quickly.

KimberleyClark · 09/09/2024 09:42

Definitely a partner problem. Doesn’t sound much of a catch.

Mrsttcno1 · 09/09/2024 09:44

warningsecurityguards · 09/09/2024 09:37

Mmmm, OP, if your DSS is 9, and your relationship is 8.5 yrs old, then your DH left his ex with a baby under 12m old.

Well under, unless he hopped out of his ex’s bed and straight into yours.

That kind of hurt can last a lifetime.

As the saying goes, you don’t have an ex problem, you have a partner problem.

He needs to support you, but going on his track record that’s not his strong suit.

Yep, 9 year old, 8.5 year relationship and 7 year old.

You really can’t see that this is your partners fault?

AtYourOwnRisk · 09/09/2024 09:44

And yet, your partner loved and was committed to this ‘reincarnation of the devil’ for at least nine years, and up until meeting you?

Cappuccinowithonesugarplease · 09/09/2024 09:48

Yeah he is passing all responsibilities for this onto his ex. But then he doesn't sounds very responsible anyway given that he buggered off and left his baby son and had another child almost immediately after.
I dont want to say this lightly but I would be rethinking the whole relationship in this situation if he doesn't start being an adult and dealing with it instead of blaming it all on his ex
Sorry you are going through this 💐

ElderMrs · 09/09/2024 09:49

I'd be severely disciplining the 9 year old.

The ex may be a bitch, but a 9 year old is older enough to be told off for bullying and told to never say such horrible things about another child.

You can't do much about the ex, but you can call out a child in your home being horrible and teach them how to behave.

Original poster
delusionalspell · 09/09/2024 09:50

warningsecurityguards · 09/09/2024 09:37

Mmmm, OP, if your DSS is 9, and your relationship is 8.5 yrs old, then your DH left his ex with a baby under 12m old.

Well under, unless he hopped out of his ex’s bed and straight into yours.

That kind of hurt can last a lifetime.

As the saying goes, you don’t have an ex problem, you have a partner problem.

He needs to support you, but going on his track record that’s not his strong suit.

She left him for a woman and moved her in when DSS was four months old.

DSS has been with us four nights per week since I met partner

OP posts:
Cappuccinowithonesugarplease · 09/09/2024 09:51

ElderMrs · 09/09/2024 09:49

I'd be severely disciplining the 9 year old.

The ex may be a bitch, but a 9 year old is older enough to be told off for bullying and told to never say such horrible things about another child.

You can't do much about the ex, but you can call out a child in your home being horrible and teach them how to behave.

His own father is the one responsible for doing the disciplining not her

Original poster
delusionalspell · 09/09/2024 09:51

fizzymizzy · 09/09/2024 09:40

but partner shifts all blame on to ex (mum).

The woman he left, with a very small baby?

Yeah. He is the absolute problem.

Ex left him for another woman.

OP posts:
Original poster
delusionalspell · 09/09/2024 09:52

AtYourOwnRisk · 09/09/2024 09:44

And yet, your partner loved and was committed to this ‘reincarnation of the devil’ for at least nine years, and up until meeting you?

They were together for 18 months and she fell pregnant.

She then left him for another woman.

OP posts:
ButterAsADip · 09/09/2024 09:53

warningsecurityguards · 09/09/2024 09:37

Mmmm, OP, if your DSS is 9, and your relationship is 8.5 yrs old, then your DH left his ex with a baby under 12m old.

Well under, unless he hopped out of his ex’s bed and straight into yours.

That kind of hurt can last a lifetime.

As the saying goes, you don’t have an ex problem, you have a partner problem.

He needs to support you, but going on his track record that’s not his strong suit.

Took the words right out of my mouth.

Original poster
delusionalspell · 09/09/2024 09:53

ElderMrs · 09/09/2024 09:49

I'd be severely disciplining the 9 year old.

The ex may be a bitch, but a 9 year old is older enough to be told off for bullying and told to never say such horrible things about another child.

You can't do much about the ex, but you can call out a child in your home being horrible and teach them how to behave.

This is what I think too.

I love DSS, but he behaviour has been unbearable for the last 4 or so months.

I treat him as my own and I would never do anything to hurt him or make him feel as if he is not part of our family

OP posts:
KimberleyClark · 09/09/2024 09:57

OP your update puts a rather different complexion on things, but still your DSS has been through a lot. He must be feeling confused.

Meadowfinch · 09/09/2024 09:59

Another crazy ex story !

OP, how would you feel if your dp upped and left you with a six month old? I doubt very much she is the devil incarnate.

This is not your dss's issue either. Your dp (and you) needs to correct him every time he says something nasty. Calm, loving, consistent, fair, over and over again until dss knows that his behaviour won't be allowed.

Also you are the adult. Why are you getting upset at something a 9yo says? You know he is just repeating something, he doesn't mean it or really understand it.

Original poster
delusionalspell · 09/09/2024 10:02

Meadowfinch · 09/09/2024 09:59

Another crazy ex story !

OP, how would you feel if your dp upped and left you with a six month old? I doubt very much she is the devil incarnate.

This is not your dss's issue either. Your dp (and you) needs to correct him every time he says something nasty. Calm, loving, consistent, fair, over and over again until dss knows that his behaviour won't be allowed.

Also you are the adult. Why are you getting upset at something a 9yo says? You know he is just repeating something, he doesn't mean it or really understand it.

My partner didn't up and leave - she left him for another woman, and had her moved in by the time DSS was four months old.

OP posts:
Hoardasurass · 09/09/2024 10:11

ElderMrs · 09/09/2024 09:49

I'd be severely disciplining the 9 year old.

The ex may be a bitch, but a 9 year old is older enough to be told off for bullying and told to never say such horrible things about another child.

You can't do much about the ex, but you can call out a child in your home being horrible and teach them how to behave.

This is absolutely wrong.
@delusionalspell This poor child is screaming out for attention and 1to1 time with his dad just like his half brother gets 3 days per week (yes I know it doesn't work like that but I'm an adult not a 9 year old).
His dad should be spending time with him without his brother and explaining to your son why he can't join in ie this is his time with dss just like your son gets when they do whatever 1to1 they do together.
Dss dad should be talking to him about why he says the mean things he is and helping him to find a more appropriate way of expressing his feelings that doesn't upset others, he doesn't need another lecturer from you about how mean and/or cruel he is, he's 9 fgs.
If his mum is truly such a terrible influence it might be worth looking at cutting down the time he spends with her but 1st you need to look much closer to home for the problem and I'd suggest family therapy might be a good place to start because if you don't that poor boy will be damaged for life

KhakiShaker · 09/09/2024 10:14

Christ all these PP jumping to conclusions thinking a deadbeat dad left his ex with a baby! Who’s to say she didn’t leave him and take their baby with her?! Typical MN bias thinking all mothers are whiter than white.

@delusionalspell I empathise as my partner’s ex is similar. She’s an alienator and has made life difficult between DSS and me. I have had to step back completely and let my partner manage the situation, you really will get no thanks if you get involved. For your own sanity you need to detach from the conflict and focus on your DC.

Do you have a court order? May be worth formalising the arrangements if ex is attempting to alienate and cause trouble. My partner did this and fortunately CAFCASS saw the ex’s game almost immediately.

Unfortunately though your DP is right in that talking to the ex won’t help. No one can control what she says to her son.

PM me if you want some moral support or a rant!

SnowflakeSmasher86 · 09/09/2024 10:16

YABU keeping your son in this situation. Move out, let your H spend time with his son alone, and then spend separate time with your DS. He clearly can’t handle the dynamics of them both together but I don’t see why your DS should have to be put up with being insulted, belittled and treated like a second class citizen in his own home while both parents just watch and do nothing.

lovemetomybones · 09/09/2024 10:16

I'm having a similar issue with my blended family. Partners ex and DSD both think it's ok to target my daughter and bully her. I've come to accept you can control the controllables. I can't control what the ex says, but I can control what is said and actions in my own household. If it happens appropriate punishments will be given. If ex doesn't like it it's tough.

Legendairy · 09/09/2024 10:18

Typical MN, jumping in to accuse the man of leaving the woman with a young baby!!

Your partner is the problem though, he needs to be addressing the issues with your DSS, I could never stay with someone who allowed me or my child to be treated this way.

GreatMistakes · 09/09/2024 10:18

How is dp with your child?

I want to make the lazy assumption that she buggered off and left him for being as useless with her as he is being with you now and with his DS regarding setting reasonable expectations and enforcing them but I don't want to put words in your mouth.

So how is he with your child and doing the above things with DSS?

It's quite possible DSS is acting out at his dad because he knows his dad will let him get away with it. I hate to say it but my parents were split up and I used to push back against the one I knew would let me get away with it.

Fizzadora · 09/09/2024 10:21

If you had put that update in to your original post, you would have saved a whole page of responses berating your DP for leaving a baby.
That said, he's still responsible for resolving this.
Ultimatum time @delusionalspell