To be extremely upset

[delusionalspell]

My partner and I have been together 8.5 years and have DS (7), partner has DS (9) from previous relationship.

Family life has been fantastic with us and kids.

Ex is a reincarnation of the devil and does everything in her power to upset family life in our household. Eg, will tell DSS that he does not have to stay or see us, will encourage him to leave if he feels like it, does not have to do as I ask him, he can be rude to me if he likes because I am not his family, hurts and attacks dad and other people, will send things to the house like cake and specify that DS 7 is not to have any etc.

She continually says things about DS 7, like he’s very ugly, overweight, dresses ridiculous. DSS knows these things are wrong but it seems mum has been in his head a lot as he is now beginning to act just like her toward us.

DSS has time alone with dad, but will openly try to exclude DS and say ‘you’re not invited, I hate you, you’re not my brother’ etc etc.

I have tried to speak to DSS on many occasions and explained that his behaviour is hurtful and upsetting, and he understands this. He is usually a loving, kind, little boy. However, each time he comes back from his mum things are getting worse and worse.

I have spoken to my partner on so many occasions regarding this and how much he is upsetting me and DS, but partner shifts all blame on to ex (mum). It is now causing arguments between my partner and I, and I feel like breaking down every day as every issue is always about DS & I.

My partner will not confront his ex. His excuse is that it will get him nowhere. I feel that DS and I are always in the firing line and it’s awful.

AIBU to ask him to speak to her? Or am I wrong?

I feel like packing up all of our things and running away as the whole scenario has worn me out. :(

Read the Ops posts. She has said numerous times that her partner didn’t leave his ex. It was the other way round. The ex left and moved a woman in.

Partner is great with both children.

Goes above and beyond, spends time with each separately and together.

But it's when DSS comes home, he says he had a terrible day because he hates DSS and I.

Ex left him for another woman and we have had him four nights per week, sometimes full weeks at a time since I met partner.

This shift in behaviour is a new thing in which I am trying to navigate for my own sanity because I feel so upset at how DS is being treated.

Sometimes I think my partner holds back because he is worried DSS will give in to his mum and cut all contact - as she has tried this on various occasions just because she doesn't like something that has happened in our house - i.e we booked a family holiday and out of her blind jealous rage she tried to make DSS not want to go

Partner is great with both children.

Goes above and beyond, spends time with each separately and together.

But it's when DSS comes home, he says he had a terrible day because he hates DSS and I.

Ex left him for another woman and we have had him four nights per week, sometimes full weeks at a time since I met partner.

This shift in behaviour is a new thing in which I am trying to navigate for my own sanity because I feel so upset at how DS is being treated.

Sometimes I think my partner holds back because he is worried DSS will give in to his mum and cut all contact - as she has tried this on various occasions just because she doesn't like something that has happened in our house - i.e we booked a family holiday and out of her blind jealous rage she tried to make DSS not want to go

My point still stands. This is a woman he loved for years, and had a child with. Clearly not the ‘reincarnation of the devil’ then.

How do you know ghat it wasn't the ex left him? I can't see where ìt says he left her?

I think you need to protect DS.

I would probably leave.

Thank you @KhakiShaker, I appreciate your post.

Everyone seems to jump on the attack bandwagon instead of advice.

We do have a court order, we are the resident parents. She didn't object to this either, as her partner is 15 years older than her and very wealthy so they go off on trips for 12+ days at a time.

DSS is as much part of our family as anyone else, we love and support him and we do our best. However, it seems ex's poison is finally seeping through and I don't know what to do.

Either your partner sorts this out or you need to leave because your son cannot continue to live in this environment and that is the message that needs to be put across to your partner .

@AtYourOwnRisk together for 18 months - I'm unsure where you've gotten that he loved her for years.

She left him for another woman and regularly goes off for 12+ days at a time.

We are the resident parents.

Not really as you seem unable to comprehend the OP’s updates. Where does it say he was with his ex for years? He was with her for 18months, she was pregnant within 5/6months of meeting.

@Gogogo12345 the ex did leave him, for another woman.

However, the clear assumption has been that he left his ex with an infant.

Couldn't be further from the truth.

Years? Really?
The Op said that they were together 18 months before she fell pregnant, pregnancy is 9 months and then she left when the baby was 4 months.

My calculations give me 31 months, which is 2.5 years give or take.

2.5 years in relationship terms is not that long and certainly not the “years” you imply.

Ex left him for another woman and we have had him four nights per week, sometimes full weeks at a time since I met partner.

^^ OK, so this tells both of us that she won't block contact and dp needs to get firm. He needs to understand that he can only control his parenting and if he does the right thing and dss mum cuts him off, that's outside of his control. He can take steps regarding court.

i agree with you that he needs to have you and your child's back by managing the behaviour at home. If he doesn't, I think you need to think long nd hard about protecting your child from this behaviour from dss. In the short term, you might be able to seperate the kids but given how much time dss spends at home, that's not feasible for long, only while dh puts boundaries in place.

In short, I support your conclusion OP that your Dh parenting this situation is the only viable alternative to asking dh to move out or see dss out of the home to protect your son.

But realistically even if he did walk out that has nothing to do with the behaviour of someone 9 years later treating people like shit.