Woman awarded six figure payout for failed adoption

[inadequatepillow]

www.bbc.co.uk/news/articles/c623we048yzo

AIBU to feel a bit uncomfortable by the tone of this article?

I agree that the council should’ve been clearer about the child’s needs. But, if she’d birthed this child, he could’ve still had the same difficulties. It’s likely she’d have had no support with this if the child was hers biologically. The waits for paeds are shocking.

It says in the article he threw a heavy paperweight at her. How did he get hold of this? Why is she blaming the child?

I feel as though she’s wanted to adopt for selfish reasons and she was disappointed that she didn’t have a perfect, meek, easy kid.

When you give birth to a child, it’s luck of the draw. My son has SEND similar to the child in the article. On days when it gets a bit much for me am I supposed to just give him up for adoption? No, because I am his mother and my job is to raise him regardless of how hard it is.

I don’t think when adopting you should be able to be so picky. The child needed a home, she wanted a kid. It’s not like going to the RSPCA and ignoring all the three legged cats…

Agreed. It is also highly likely that the 100k amount quoted includes covering all her costs of bringing the case. Those may in fact dwarf the actual losses that she claimed as I’m not sure this case was suited to a “no win no fee” type arrangement- legal approach too untested.

What is interesting is that settlement agreements usually include a confidentiality clause. This may be an agreement not to disclose the amount, or it may even be an agreement not to disclose that there has been a settlement at all.

Here, I think that the woman’s lawyers likely negotiated hard to be able to disclose the amount and talk to the media as this would be the deterrent/punishment that they wanted.

Perhaps we are not seeing more info about how the award breaks down because that element is subject to limited confidentiality provisions.

they cannot know at a young age how much the developmental delay would be surely

YABU. Don't judge this lady. It's a heartbreaking case.

And it's not like a potential adoptive parent is idly browsing the racks of children like someone having a look in TK MAXX -- the assessment process involves a series of unbelievably difficult questions about what you think you are prepared to deal with in your potential child that no birth parent has to think about. eg

Would you consider adopting a child who will never live independently? Y/N
Would you consider adopting a child who has significant learning delays? Y/N
Would you consider adopting a child with X disability? Y/N
Would you consider adopting a child whose birth mother abused drugs when pregnant? Y/N
Would you consider adopting a child who was born as a result of rape? Y/N
Would you consider adopting a child who was the victim of CSA? Y/N
Would you consider a sibling group? Y/N

'Pickiness', if by that you mean thinking very carefully about what exactly you feel you can manage, is to everyone's advantage.

The woman was actively deceived and then pressured.

The council and people involved need to be accountable so that care is taken when placing children.

I am adopted and so is my sister (from a different family).
We were both adopted at birth. My sister has been a nightmare and deeply troubled from the age of about 10.

I have been reasonably "normal" (I hate that word).

When adopting from birth it is typically the luck of the draw. What happens and develops over time is similar to that of if you have your own biological child.

When adopting an older toddler or child, it is extremely dishonest to not disclose any potential troubles the child may have and in the end it harms the child because they don't go to a place best suited for their needs.

Sometimes cases like this need to happen in order to change processes and also remind people doing these jobs how badly it can go wrong through incompetence or if they try to trick people in order to get placements.

No but it would be apparent if there was significant delay in all areas ,I mean a child can be late to talk ,or walk for example but ultimately catch up but oh there I'd delay in other areas ,that would point to something more complex
Having said that I know someone who's child has a very similar chromosome disorder to my son ,and at two they were both quiet similar ,at 14 my child is non verbal in a special school for children with severe and profound learning disabilities, etc etc and her son is in mainstream with some additional needs but has way exceeded expectations

HNRTT but did Social Services and all the institutions act in the best interests of the child or just to try and maintain the adoption for administrative reasons?

@Ted27 I am interested in your experience that you had little support as a fosterer, whilst other posters feel that those who go the adoption route have less back up than foster parents.
I have no knowledge but would have assumed that foster carers have more input from social work given that they remain ultimately responsible for a child. However that is clearly not your experience.
Is it something that varies with area do you think?

When you adopt you’re given very clear guidance to declare what you would and would not cope with.

We for example were very limited in what we would be able to cope with regarding physical disability and high medical needs such as feeding tubes etc, my husband has a physical disability so he simply wouldn’t be able to provide the care needed for a child with high medical needs etc, if we had said yes we would have been failing a child with such needs from day one. Adoption is about meeting the needs of a child, but choosing to place with someone who has said they can’t meet x need the placing LA/Agency are choosing to both neglect the needs of that child and to purposely risk the welfare of that child.

It isn’t potential adopters failing children, its local authorities who see looked after children as nothing but an expensive inconvenience.

This whole thing is incredibly sad. I actually really get where you’re coming from op as I feel like if you adopt a child you should love that child no matter what. No one WANTS a sen child. Some of us are just gifted with if. We all go into pregnancy knowing there’s a risk.

However they lied and she can’t look after him. So they’re in the wrong.

My heart just breaks for this poor boy tbh.

But all of these could apply to a birth child (apart from rape where you would know and potentially have an abortion). The rest could
all be a surprise with a birth child. I can’t imagine giving up my birth child for these things! It breaks my heart that an adopted child is given back. Shouldn’t it be the same? It’s their child now? I suppose it depends on the person.

I’m so sorry you and this child when through this.

I was going to respond with my view as an adoptive parent, then realised this is a first time poster/name changer who hasn’t been back.

@inadequatepillow - I’d be embarrassed too if I were you.

I think it is absolutely brilliant that the authorities are held responsible for lying to citizens and ultimately failing children.

@Newsenmum - children available for adoption in the UK almost always come with a background of abuse and/or neglect. This often - not always - means they will have additional needs as a result of developmental trauma, and need a very different parenting approach.

The very worst outcome is that the child loses a second family through disruption. While unsavoury to some, it’s therefore really important that potential adoptive parents are completely honest with themselves about the issues they can take on. And it’s important that LAs are honest with those potential parents about the issues the children may have.

Reread my post. You’re embarrassing yourself. Prospective adopters are asked these and similar questions during the assessment process to create a profile of them in order that, if successful in being deemed suitable to adopt, potential matches can be lined up with parents who can manage and meet the needs of specific children.

There is no child in this situation. You are being asked what type of child you think you will be able to parent before you are linked to actual children.

Being realistic about what you think you can cope with is a GOOD thing. For instance, if you’re a single adopter, you may want to specify an older child whose ability to cope with a school day is already (reasonably) well established, because you will need to return to work after adoption leave. If you grew up around a sibling with a specific condition, you may feel you’d be good at meeting the needs of a child with the same condition.

This whole story is awful.

”You’ve won a watch” - what a terrible way to describe a child. having watched the adoption process close up on several occasions where friends have gone through hell, that it doesn’t work well and can be utterly devastating.

That poor child. I hope they find a suitable home.

@Newsenmum

I've never carried a baby to term, however I assume that when you carry a baby for 9 months by the time you give birth you have already developed a bond, then there is a rush of hormones and then, for most parents, you take home a lovely, chubby cheeked, new born, pre conditioned to love you and you to love them. And if problems develop then maybe you are two or threw years down the line. You love your child and would do anything for them.

It's not like that with adoption. You are handed a total stranger, who has been taken away from everything that is familiar and is probably terrified.
And somehow you have to build a relationship with that little stranger.
I adopted my son was he was 8. He is now 20 and I would do anything for him.

I did not love him when he was 8. I was committed to him. He nearly broke me in our first year but we got through. And the love came. The bond grew. When we had a crisis when he 11- 14 I was much better equipped to deal with it because we had an established relationship.
People expect adopters to trot off into the golden sunset to their cottage with roses round the door with their little princess or princess. The reality is more like you have a little screaming ball of rage and fear who certainly does not love you, may hate you and is scared of you.
If the behaviour is so off the scale you don't have time to develop that love.
Post Adoption Depression is also a thing. But no one thinks about that because you are supposed to be grateful that you got the thing you wanted most.
No one disrupts an adoption easily. People will fight hard to get help, they don't want to fail a child who needs so much and who has already been failed.
I've been lucky, my son is amazing. It's the privilege of my life to be his mum. We had great schools and were able to access the right support at the right time.

Some people will say that this woman should have tried harder, stuck it out longer. I don't know- maybe she could have. But as a fellow single adopter who has had her fair share of long dark nights searching my soul for the right decision, I'm not going to judge her - I haven't walked in her shoes.

@Ted27 Just to say, that actually doesn’t happen in a lot of cases. Many mothers, despite having carried and given birth, don’t have that rush of love for a variety of reasons. For many women, the love comes later and sometimes it can be a long time coming. For some, it never does.

It was in 2013. The child will now be 14. Hopefully they have had a good home for a long time now.

This, 100%.

I'm the parent of a severely autistic non verbal teen, no I can't imagine giving him up either, but we didn't know about his disabilities untill he failed to meet his millestones,and its only as the years have progressed that we have become aware of how complex his needs are ,he's a very much loved child ,but I'm not sure i would choose this life I'm.not an adopter so I can only give my own personal experience.

She was completely misled when they told her the child had ‘mild’ additional needs. My youngest DC likely has SEN and what I would call ‘mild’ additional needs- he sleeps through the night, never has tantrums and certainly would never throw anything at me. This boy had severe SEN by the sound of things and it isn’t what she signed up for as an adoptive parent.

I feel for her and also obviously the child. She did repeatedly request help before she gave him back to the authorities, they ignored her.

I think she's done a great thing holding the council to account for their absolutely failures.

They failed her, and they failed the child. And they did so by deliberately misleading and gaslighting her.

They absolutely should be taken to task for that, and hopefully the fact she won the case will make them behave more appropriately in future. They treated her and the child appallingly and with zero care whatsoever.

She didn't win the case. They settled out of court.