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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

He left.

46 replies

Keeva2017 · 09/09/2024 05:06

Partner of 18 months. I waited a year before introducing him to my children (4&7). We’ve taken it slow and tonight was the first time he stayed over with them here.

it was a big deal to me, Iv tried to do this right for my children. It was a lovely evening and my eldest who has really taken her time with him was pleased he was staying.

My youngest came into my room several time tonight. She doesn’t do it often but I think him being here was odd for her. I kept taking her back to bed and then 2 hours ago, dp left, he said it was so I could get some sleep.

am I over reacting? I mean disturbed sleep is hard but I feel so rejected, mostly how do I explain to my children when he’s missing when they get up? If he can’t handle this and runs home then that doesn’t bode well does it? I just feel so sad that Iv potentially hurt my children by subjecting them to rejection. I’m also gutted for me, he’s been amazing but have I set myself up taking it too slow?

or aibu and totally overreacting?

OP posts:
JustTalkToThem · 09/09/2024 05:14

I think he was removing himself from a situation that wasn’t working for your kids. Or wasn’t working for him.

good for him.

maybe you need to keep more of a separation for a while.

Original poster
Keeva2017 · 09/09/2024 05:14

I desperately want to be told Iain btw. I just feel like he’s run at the first sign of trouble but then I’m sleep deprived and feeling vulnerable.

OP posts:
StrawberryWater · 09/09/2024 05:15

It sounds like he might not be ready for kids. Letting you get some sleep is code for 'I want sleep and I don't want to deal with your kids interrupting it'.

Your kids are getting used to a new person staying over, it's only natural that they would be interested and struggle for a few nights. He's bailed at the first hurdle. Wouldn't instil me with much confidence.

Does he have children of his own?

Original poster
Keeva2017 · 09/09/2024 05:18

No, he doesn’t have children and your interpretation is mine.

I see the other posters pov but at what point do you stick at it and work through it? By removing himself he’s told me his position and it’s not a positive one.

OP posts:
WhingeInTheWillows · 09/09/2024 05:21

If he’s usually a good, honest and kind man then he’s acting in what he thinks is yours and your childrens best interests. If he’s usually selfish or mean then he’s thinking of himself. You know him.

AnAussieHaiku · 09/09/2024 05:23

He should have been there

At bedtimes before last night

Kids set up to fail

Original poster
Keeva2017 · 09/09/2024 05:27

He has been here for plenty of bedtimes. He’s just gone home and the kids knew that he wasn’t staying. Tonight they knew he was.

He is the most caring, compassionate man Iv ever met but my fear is the reality of my children is too much for him. Iv set them up but I thought taking it slow was the right thing. However now they are attached to him right at the time reality has set in for him? That’s my worry anyway .

OP posts:
MeAgainAndAgain · 09/09/2024 05:27

Well I presume at least one of you has work today, you can’t do that on no sleep. Sometimes you have to be practical.

CheekyHobson · 09/09/2024 05:29

I think it’s a lot for a preschooler to be repeatedly coming into your room on the first sleepover. It sounds to me as though he recognized she was unsettled and made a choice that would take the pressure off.

Doesn’t sound like running away to me really. I wouldn’t overreact to this but just have a calm discussion in a day or two about how you know it’s a bit of a bumpy start but you’d prefer if he stayed through next time, though let’s leave that for a couple of weeks or so.

OrangeSlices998 · 09/09/2024 05:32

Honestly if he’s as lovely as you say and he’s been onboard with taking it slow re the kids, then yes you’re overreacting. He needs sleep and so do you and he can see it’s a difficult step for the kids. Keep it slow and paced well for the kids if you both think it’s working otherwise. Do your kids see their dad, is there opportunity for kid free sleepovers?

lateatwork · 09/09/2024 05:36

He hasn't 'subjected your kids to rejection'. And this isn't something to be concerned about in front of them.

If they are expecting him to be at breakfast, just say he left earlier.

I wouldn't mention anything about disturbed sleep etc to them- just leave it vague. If you don't seem concerned, they won't be bothered.

As for what leaving early means... I would trust your gut.

ncforcatquestion · 09/09/2024 05:39

He doesn't want the hassle seems like

AnAussieHaiku · 09/09/2024 05:41

Did child climb in bed?

Co-sleeping can put dates off

Nip this in the bud

Original poster
Keeva2017 · 09/09/2024 05:43

@lateatwork i absolutely won’t say or show anything in front of them. I’m thinking longer term I suppose and I think rejection is the wrong word - loss maybe? I hate the thought of them starting to invest in someone I brought into their lives if he isn’t staying. Of course that’s always the risk when you start a relationship when you have children. And that’s something I have to own. I understand why some women choose to stay single until their children leave home.

My gut is hyper sensitive, Iv lost trust in it a little bit.

OP posts:
Original poster
Keeva2017 · 09/09/2024 05:44

No co sleeping except when poorly. Didn’t climb into bed.

OP posts:
Aubree17 · 09/09/2024 05:44

Maybe he felt him being there wasn't good for your children as they seemed to be struggling to sleep. He may have felt bad.
Why not ask him why he left instead of staying all night?
And just tell the kids he got up early to go to work!

Original poster
Keeva2017 · 09/09/2024 05:46

Thanks for the reflections everyone. I’m tired, over sensitive and feeling a bit protective/defensive of my children.

It’s hard to navigate and I needed some objectivity.

OP posts:
HamSad · 09/09/2024 05:48

You're massively overreacting. He went home so he could get some sleep and because rightly or wrongly he felt as though his presence was unsettling your child. You're acting as though he's told you he never wants to see you again and changed his number. Try and see him or at least speak to him later and I'm sure it will be fine.

AnAussieHaiku · 09/09/2024 05:48

Must be light sleeper

To have woken up at all

Others would not stir

daisychain01 · 09/09/2024 05:54

Please try not to think too far into the future @Keeva2017 you're trying your best to do the right thing by your children, but they do sound very young still.

can you continue as you have been with your partner, incl him not staying over, for some time, as it sounds like they aren't yet ready for the change.

Is their Dad on the scene? If you get childfree time with your partner, suggest you keep that going and enjoy each other's company without the complexity. Keep things simple and release yourself from the pressure and stress of worry. Don't spoil a good thing.

Octavia64 · 09/09/2024 05:56

This isn't necessarily rejection,

In the same situation I would assume that it was me that was unsettling the child and I'd go so that they felt more settled.

KTSl1964 · 09/09/2024 06:09

If he’s not slept and he’s working today then he’s gone home for sleep. Just tell kids he had to go to work early. Don’t over react - it’s unsettling yes but not the end of the world. Hope you feel better once you’ve rested and chat with him later.

Arlobaby · 09/09/2024 08:40

Is he working today? Are you? He has left at 3am after multiple times of putting your child back to bed, if I was in work this would be a shock to the system for me if I was used to sleeping alone. Maybe he has thought it best to leave as your child clearly was unsettled. Just speak to him and get his reasoning on it.

FoxtrotOscarKindaDay · 09/09/2024 08:50

YABU he might not very comfortable with your child constantly coming into the room, he's not unreasonable to leave as a result nor unreasonable to leave because he just wanted to sleep at 3am.

You said it's the first time while they are there so it sounds like you have child free nights when he has stayed before. Your child was unsettled by him being there, stick to staying over when your children aren't at least until they are old enough to stop coming into your room.

Whatisyourfavouriteflower · 09/09/2024 09:36

Surely instead of speculating and fearing the worst you need to have a conversation with him? Talk about how you both felt things went and ask him about his reasoning for leaving at that point.
If you can't have a discussion about things like this then surely the relationship won't work in the long term anyway.