He left.

[Keeva2017]

Partner of 18 months. I waited a year before introducing him to my children (4&7). We’ve taken it slow and tonight was the first time he stayed over with them here.

it was a big deal to me, Iv tried to do this right for my children. It was a lovely evening and my eldest who has really taken her time with him was pleased he was staying.

My youngest came into my room several time tonight. She doesn’t do it often but I think him being here was odd for her. I kept taking her back to bed and then 2 hours ago, dp left, he said it was so I could get some sleep.

am I over reacting? I mean disturbed sleep is hard but I feel so rejected, mostly how do I explain to my children when he’s missing when they get up? If he can’t handle this and runs home then that doesn’t bode well does it? I just feel so sad that Iv potentially hurt my children by subjecting them to rejection. I’m also gutted for me, he’s been amazing but have I set myself up taking it too slow?

or aibu and totally overreacting?

The first time my now husband stayed over I woke up at 3am to find him gone. I didn’t have children or anything, but he just couldn’t sleep well in a strange bed. Give it time.

I think you can't expect it to all be perfect all the time. It sounds like you're maybe setting unrealistic expectations for him.

If he was polite and didn't storm out in a huff then I can't see the issue. It's completely reasonable to remove yourself from a situation that isn't working at the time and maybe try again.

You can easily just tell the children he had to get up early before they woke up

My youngest came into my room several time tonight. She doesn’t do it often but I think him being here was odd for her.

He either read the room and realised he was causing your child, who is presumably your priority, upset so he left to make things easier on her.

Or he isn’t tolerant of children waking him up continually during the night.

Neither are a rejection so I do think you have overreacted. However, if it’s the latter then you might find he’s not cut out to be a stepfather. Better to know sooner and before your children bond with him.

Presumably your children spend plenty of time with their father? It might just be that this is a fun relationship that isn’t going to become more serious as it’s held during the times they aren’t at home.

I wouldn’t want to be woken several times in the night by someone else’s kids either, so I totally get why he left. He knew it was unsettling your DC and it was also unsettling him.

Maybe next time don’t make a big deal about whether he’s staying or not. You say he’s been there at bedtime before but this time they knew he was staying - why?

When my DP first started coming round on nights the kids were here he would come over for the evening, and then later on sometimes we’d go up to bed when the kids had gone to sleep and he’d leave at midnight-1am after sex. Then it just happened that he’d fall asleep and stay the night. There was no big deal made of it, just a natural progression. Sometimes he’d have left for work before they woke up, sometimes he’d be on his way out. It wasn’t really a big deal either way as they don’t really under stand the implications of him “staying the night” at that age.

It seems absolutely fine to me.

It's ok to take things slowly. If he didn't feel it was working tonight then that's okay - nothing stopping trying again another time.

And I agree with pp - no need to make a big deal with your DC of him staying the night or not. Keep it neutral with them as it's really not something they need to be hyper-aware of.

Both me and my partner have our own children. His youngest is 5, she regularly gets into bed in the middle of the night and disturbs my sleep as I'm such a light sleeper and it's not something my kids have ever done. Usually I cope okay, but I got up at 4:30am and slept on the sofa this morning as I've got a work meeting I need to be on point for this afternoon.

Now admittedly I didn't just go home, because I'm without my car and also I live 4 hours away.

I feel like you should maybe ask him why he went home and not just to the sofa etc.. it does sound like he was trying to be helpful, and him not having his own kids might not have thought about the breakfast situation of him not been there. Just communicate with him, it's new for him to sleep and wake up with children in the house just as it's new for the children him been there.

He stayed over night and it was clearly causing an issue for your child who was, in turn, repeatedly waking you up. If I was in his position I'd probably be thinking "This clearly isn't working right now. And it's the middle of the night so it's not the right time to have a deep and involved conversation about it. If I left then hopefully things will settle down and then we can talk about it properly tomorrow."

How would you have preferred he handle this? Stick it out regardless? Have a long conversation with you in the middle of the night? Or something else?

I think you are over-reacting a little bit. They aren't his kids, so he doesnt have to stay. If he has his own place then surely better to just go home and get some sleep, you are then freer to have your little one in bed with you or go in with them and concentrate without worrying about him? If he's otherwise been brilliant then I'd give him a break.

This comes from someone who was in your position 5 years ago, and I dont think it would have bothered me. My Oh is now my DH and is brilliant with my kids and our child.

I suspect he removed himself from a situation that he could see was unsettling for your child. Have you spoken to him today?

I'd see how he feels about it all today and go from there, see if it happens again and then you will know.

There are too many what-ifs here - you'll need to speak with him.

If I'm honest I don't think he's done anything wrong by leaving and I don't think you're being unreasonable.

Slow and steady for the kids sake (and yours too). Talk to him and if it goes tits up you'll know for next time what needs to be talked about upfront.

I don't think he's done anything wrong either. From what you've said I got the impression that he could see your children were unsettled so removed himself so everyone could get some sleep.

You need to speak to him and see if that was the case or if he just couldn't cope with the kids/had enough of them.

I think you are catastrophising and over reacting.

He is hardly likely to end things even if he decides he doesn’t want to stay over when your kids are there.

Just carry on as you have been. No need to push things or create drama.

It sounds like he probably just wanted everyone to get a bit of sleep and recognised that your LO was a bit unsettled by the stay over. I think you should just ask him. He'll probably confirm and be perfectly understanding. It will get easier as they become more accustomed to him, OP.

I agree with pp about overreacting. He could have simply decided it was a bit much for everyone this time around, and to try again in the future. The first few times will be awkward no matter what happened id imagine. He's stuck it out this long, I don't think this one incident would make him tuck tail and run. More likely that his inexperience with children made him feel he was causing a problem(which was accurate) and he wanted to make things easier for you all.

So he went home at 3am-ish and by 5 you're already catastrophising that he's left you?

Calm down! He went home for sleep. OK worst case scenario he says he's realised that it's not for him - but you've known him for 18 months, do you not know him well enough to know whether he might be thinking - the daughter is obviously feeling discombobulated and it's disturbing us all - I'll go home and we can try again in a few months?

I was also going to ask about work. He probably needed to sleep.

He sounds like a good guy. He read the room and realised his presence was making your kid feel comfortable and put their needs first by leaving you to it.

I don't see this as a problem at all OP. Being there has unsettled your DD and she's in turn unsettled you and him, so the best solution for everyone (but most of all for your Daughter) is that he removes himself from the situation, and 3am is not the ideal time to discuss it at length.

I was once the child unsettled by Mum's boyfriend being in the house. I got used to it eventually but it took time and false starts.

Are you feeling that he was annoyed OP, and left to make a point ?