Having a child didn't make me any less selfish

[Gottobehonest]

Heard it for years "people who don't have children are selfish".

Well I now have a child.

My 'selfishness' hasn't disappeared. I'm exactly the same person I was before.

So exactly how does having a child transform a childless-selfish person into a selfless one?

YABU - it makes people less selfish
YANBU - people don't change, they just have to balance their morning coffee with changing nappies

I think you hear the opposite view at least as frequently. Is it a parent bemoaning they hadn’t yet become a grandparent?

Remaining child free or choosing to have kids are both selfish decisions, and as well they bloody should be.

Selfish in this context, is not a bad thing, despite the definition.

I didn't get any less selfish having children, I still have my own wants and needs which I fulfill but not at the expense of their well being.

Remaining child free only means the individual doesn't have the additional level of consideration.

But humans are universally selfish (again not in the negative way). We seek to satisfy ourselves and our own situations day in, day out. As long as the decision is right for the individual and doesn't negatively affect anyone else (in this case having children), it is perfectly correct decision!

Despite the party line, all decisions we each make are selfish because otherwise we don't grow or move forward.

I 100% agree. That's always been my take on it too.

It’s my understanding that you remain just as selfish/ selfless as always when you become a parent, it’s just that your selfishness/ selflessness now encompasses more people. If you used to always take the last biscuit- you still take it- you just give it to your child, rather than eating it yourself. You still don’t offer it to your sister.

I personally don't see why selfishness must always mean bad. I think everyone should have a bit of selfishness, more so parents because it teaches children they're not the centre of the universe which is what I think is a really big flaw in current day parenting. I'm not saying everyone should be a selfish prick of course...but showing children you value yourself by taking time for yourself be that in your health, hobbies, self care, relationship etc demonstrates to them they should have the permission to do the same themselves. It models healthy behaviours, especially important if we want to get away from this mum = martyr mindset that never ends well.

Excellent post

Most of the child free women I know are teachers 😆
They're not selfish, far from it.

Having children is one of the most selfish decisions we can make.

What made you think otherwise?

It’s the use of the word selfish, it just shouldn’t apply in the choice (and sometimes not entirely choice) of having children or not. I don’t have children because my ExH cheated and I divorced him and since then I have only once met someone else that I would trust enough to have children with. Does that make me selfish or sensible?

Depends if it's things like you partied all night before regardless but now don't because you have a child your putting others needs first unbelievably there are some selfish parents who still do it every weekend dumping kids off despite not having seen them all week.

Do people just tell you you are selfish because you are? With or without children
I wasn't told I was selfish before I had DS , nor since

Your poor kids OP. 😬

Haha no I personally never got told this. It's just the 'party line' isn't it, which I'm disputing

I’ve only heard the opposite and it’s hard to argue.

I have respect for those who choose to remain child free. It’s hard being a parent so people who don’t want to do it shouldn’t do it imo and are doing the child a favour by choosing not to do it.

I find most parents more selfish and entitled than those without.

In what way? Because I sort of know what you mean but also since I've had kids I do understand why what I saw as selfishness (eg bagging prime holiday dates for annual leave) as actually a manifestation of how everything hangs on a thin thread for parents and one little thing wobbles and maybe the whole house of cards collapsed. It's far far more precarious than I guessed

Some of the most selfish people I know are parents, and some of the least selfish are not (or are no longer actively parenting). Each case is a world of its own.

How old are your DC? I’ve been a parent for nearly 31yrs and I’m 48 this year. I haven’t made a decision that benefits me only in that time. I don’t know how you can be a parent and not put your DC first. I guess mine is down to my circumstances (I’ve wanted to move back north for 12yrs since I split with ex but stayed for DC education). I have less than 2yrs now until youngest DC is 18, I have my own life, a good career but I feel like I’ve wasted years of my life doing what’s good for everyone else and I’ll spent the next chapter until retirement paying for that (example being I haven’t started a mortgage yet as can’t afford to buy here). Maybe I should have been less selfish.

I hate the idea that not having kids make you selfish, and that having them makes you (and when I say 'you', that always means mothers) less selfish.

Totally a patriarchal control idea - 'Oh, mothers are so wonderful, they put everyone's needs in front of their own and do everything unpaid and unthanked because that's what being a woman is all about!' 😡

I don’t know anyone in real life who thinks someone is especially selfish or not selfish depending on their fertility choices.

Actually I lie, I’ve been told that having more than 2 is selfish 🙄

It’s my understanding that you remain just as selfish/ selfless as always when you become a parent, it’s just that your selfishness/ selflessness now encompasses more people. If you used to always take the last biscuit- you still take it- you just give it to your child, rather than eating it yourself. You still don’t offer it to your sister.

I don’t know if that’s what the expression is supposed to mean but yes I think this is pretty much what happens in real life. The scope of selfishness just extends a wee bit .

My childhood friend (I say friend but I don’t really speak to her anymore) has always been selfish. She has been a massive taker from when I was younger to now and I fell into the role of giver.

When she had kids she always talked about how you can’t be selfish now when you’re a mum and speaks as if she’s so selfless but she’s not. It’s just different selfishness .

For example instead of being grabby about getting things from me solely for herself she now tries to get stuff from me for her kids too. She will talk about her problems endlessly to me and trigger my mental health but she will be a martyr at home to be a “selfless mother”.

She won’t reciprocate any of it as well , which is why I now feel drained emotionally and financially by her and the friendship has kind of died.

so to answer your question OP, no having kids doesn’t make you less selfish. And in many cases it makes people more inward looking . Same with marriage.

Look at all the ones MN with the mentality that no-one matters apart from their “little family”

Yes I get parents sacrifice certain things for their kids and put some needs on the backburner for the good of their children, but many also see their kids as an extension of them or at least as people who it’s in their direct interests to make happy and successful . It’s not as if they’re helping some random kid they’ll never meet in another town, city or country. Don’t get me wrong it’s important to look after your kids and you should do first before you help others but I’d hardly fall it selfless. It’s just living up to your responsibility that you signed up to as a parent.

Yes, I have always thought it's an odd assertion, that choosing not to have children is selfish. As if people have children for altruistic reasons. Once you have children you often put their wants/needs ahead of your own but it just expands your circle of selfishness - to cover your family rather than just yourself.

I saw this on FB. Since when do most men retire at 60?

Pretty much all the decisions I make are influenced heavily by how they affect my child. I’m no martyr but I do a lot that I wouldn’t have been arsed doing before him. I don’t like a lot of the boring stuff, but I do it because it benefits him. Is that unselfish? I don’t know.