Having a child didn't make me any less selfish

[Gottobehonest]

Heard it for years "people who don't have children are selfish".

Well I now have a child.

My 'selfishness' hasn't disappeared. I'm exactly the same person I was before.

So exactly how does having a child transform a childless-selfish person into a selfless one?

YABU - it makes people less selfish
YANBU - people don't change, they just have to balance their morning coffee with changing nappies

Ugh, I hate all that kind of thing. That is literally saying the quiet part out loud - that no one expects anything of the man when it comes to relationships and the household.

I think you’re looking in to this too deeply. Before I had children I would be able to do what I want, when want. Lie ins, every weekend, out late in the week, didn’t care about work the next day, £500 on a handbag (my money to do with what I please!), lovely holidays, impractical car.

Now a fun day out is Tractor Land, a new purchase is a balance bike, holidays are now at resorts with a water park, which if i’m being honest, is pretty hideous.

So by that reckoning yes I’ve changed. I used to do as I pleased, now I’m way down the pecking order and don’t do anything for me anymore, so yes I used to be selfish and now I’m not.

Actually the problem is how you're viewing the word selfish, being selfish is the best quality you can have, it means you wont let anyone cross your boundaries and wont make yourself uncomfortable for anyone. So be happy youre selfish

Selfishness isn’t good. Selfishness is not a synonym for ‘having boundaries’.

If you put someone else’s needs before your own, because they are more needy and vulnerable than you, then you are unselfish. That includes those people who happen to be your own offspring.

If you are unable to put the needs of the more vulnerable/needy than yourself first, then you can’t really parent. A baby’s need to be fed and clean must be prioritised above your need to sleep, etc.

People who do not have/never have had vulnerable dependents don’t really get this.

I think if you're already selfish, and you then have a child, your selfishness then just extends to your child too. So instead of the world revolving around you, it now revolves around you and your child (at the expense of others).

I think of the parent at the ice cream shop yesterday who held up a queue of 14 adults and 3 kids because she wanted the scoop to be the perfect amount and shape for her son (a baby who couldn't speak). She was like 'oh no can you round it off a bit more? Oh sorry can you take some off?' 💀

I think of a person I know who insisted on coming on a mostly adults holiday with her 1 year old. Then got pissed off when the 9 adults didn't want to go to the soft play with her and her toddler, and called them all selfish.

Really it makes already selfish people worse because it's like they channel it into their kids (who normally don't even care themselves).

It doesn’t make sense. Selfishness is about oneself. Our children are not us, they are other people.

Selfish people make terrible parents. They are the ‘narc’ parents whose children end up on the ‘Stately Homes’ threads. Parents who prioritise their children are not narcs and they are not selfish.

I’ve just added my DC to my own selfishness iyswim. I’m no more or less caring about other people, that didn’t change but my focus is on my child not on other people. In a way I’m more selfish because I care more about my child than people in general. I wouldn’t for example sacrifice my childs education for the sake of the greater good. I would say though that how I feel about people who are awful to children has magnified ten fold.

I think though selfish is a strong word, I wouldn’t describe myself as selfless either, probably somewhere in the middle.

There are some very odd notions of what ‘selfishness’ means. It’s a parent’s job to look out for, prioritise and do the best they can for their child/ren. Doing your job as a parent is not a form of ‘selfishness’ and more than anyone else trying to do their job to the best of their ability is being ‘selfish’.

I never understood how not having kids was selfish. It means lacking consideration for other people.
I could argue that the parent in Costa who is letting her child play on a tablet that is loud and intrusive as selfish.
But I am somehow selfish for not having a child to start with? It makes no sense to me at all.

Only thick people say that, so I wouldn't give it another thought!

I think if you're already selfish, and you then have a child, your selfishness then just extends to your child too. So instead of the world revolving around you, it now revolves around you and your child (at the expense of others).

I think of the parent at the ice cream shop yesterday who held up a queue of 14 adults and 3 kids because she wanted the scoop to be the perfect amount and shape for her son (a baby who couldn't speak). She was like 'oh no can you round it off a bit more? Oh sorry can you take some off?' 💀

You’ve hit the nail on the head with this example lol. This is exactly the type of selfishness or perhaps more accurately - self-centredness - I’ve seen in some parents.

I’ve seen parents automatically defend their kids and challenge teachers even when it’s clear they’ve been out of order at school. They have little regard for the negative impact their child may have on others, 😵‍💫 but are quick to be upset about and question things if their child’s being appropriately disciplined.

I think what the phrase is usually meant to mean is the pre-kids you put yourself first but post-kids you put your kids first.

I know it's not whst you asked, but having kids has made me considerably less anxious in my day to day life, and I think it's because I now have someone else to think about and ruminate on myself less.

Yes @Wordysmith maybe I'm thinking more of self-centredness. It is really annoying.

I also seen a viral video on social media of parents on a plane, drying their baby's dirty onesie under the air con fan at the expense of the other passengers, who I suspect were breathing in particles of their baby's shit at this point. Then moaning about passengers who were giving them disapproving looks.

I do try and give these parents grace and just think they give so much of their self to their children that they don't have the capacity to consider others. But some parents take it too far and its like nobody else matters.

I think the thinking comes from having someone else to think about that you would put first over your own needs. Which parenting does. I believe every relationship we have tests our selflessness - as in how much we are willing to compromise. I agree that many of us are able to be our true selves when we become parents and therefore our selfishness in other parents of our lives remain present - e.g. still as competitive at work or you will go to an event you want etc.

I totally agree selfish people simply extend their selfishness to their children, so that they act selfishly in ways that benefit their children. Example, the mother who let her young child scan items very slowly in the supermarket as a queue built up behind them.