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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU for feeling soo upset about this?

68 replies

RoxyAlex77 · 08/09/2024 09:06

My father has invited a stranger into my house for 10 days -she is the daughter of some friends of his - I haven't met his friends either. I have moved to a different country 16 years go and my relationship with him is not close. I am expected to pick her up/ drop her off to the airport, shop and coook for her, take her out sightseeing. 😣

OP posts:

diddl · 08/09/2024 14:34

So your father isn't even coming over with her?

Fuck me!

Why are you expected to skivvy for her & take time off (?) to take her sight seeing?

If you stop doing what he says your family will perhaps fuss because they are then expected to do what you won't.

In their way they are as bullying as him.

If they cared they would support you.

"Those who matter don't mind & those who mind don't matter".

Start putting yourself first!

BarkingBingobisco · 08/09/2024 15:01

Ask for her contact details. Text her and let her know that your father arranged without talking to you. Say, I don’t have strangers at my house. Ask her to call you - video or voice do you can make arrangements, understand her needs.

You have no idea if she is alone, a dog, 16 yrs old or 75.

She might be lovely, or maybe not, in any event hide your valuables and prescription meds!

xyz111 · 08/09/2024 15:01

I'm confused - does he live with you? Or just said some person can stay with you?
Either way it doesn't matter. You need to be strong and say no.

Wtafdidido · 08/09/2024 15:05

YABU for not having the backbone to say NO. If you don’t know and have not met them I would for sure say no. And it’s one thing them staying but to expect you to cook clean and transport them in no way. Say no now. Let them get an air bnb or guesthouse. What’s the reason for their visit? Have they spoken to you directly?

Aquamarine1029 · 08/09/2024 15:09

You are the maker of your own misery, op. You can say no. The sky will not fall down, I assure you. What an insane way to live your life.

Beautiful3 · 08/09/2024 15:09

If it's your home and he doesn't live with you I'd say, sorry I can't. Ignore any calls/messages about it. It's his issue to resolve, not yours. If you agree to it, he will always do this to you.

TwinklyAmberOrca · 08/09/2024 15:24

RoxyAlex77 · 08/09/2024 14:02

She is coming over next week. But thank you for being supoortive it does make me feel better

So when did he arrange this?

If ages ago and you didn't say no, then you're a bit late to be moaning about this.

If he only arranged this a couple of days ago, then SAY NO! Put your big girl pants on an just say NO!

"Having had time to look at my schedule, unfortunately that's not convenient for me so she won't be able to stay".

"I have a friend staying that week already so unfortunately there won't be space, but I can recommend X hotel".

"I have taken up nudism so would not feel comfortable entertaining a stranger in my home whilst in the buff"

Are you expected to entertain this person?!?!?

svendeadywins · 08/09/2024 15:35

When you say you are expected to do all those things do you mean your father has laid down the rules of the visit? If you want to agree to having a complete stranger in your home then set up the T&C's - you cannot be this stranger's servant/host/tour guide all the time. Hopefully, they will have the manners to go off and do their own thing sometimes, prepare you a meal or take you to a restaurant at their expense to say thank you and they might even be able to get themselves back to the airport. What do they think the deal is?

Honestly, you can say no! You are not your father's puppet.

VivX · 08/09/2024 15:43

Have you thought about working on reframing your priorities, perspectives and perceived obligations.

For example:
Why are you worried about Christmas being awkward when he is not in the slightest bit worried about the awkwardness of imposing random people you have never met on you in your own home for 10 days.

You are not obliged to host your father's friends and one of their daughters and whoever else. In declining to do so, you are not the one who would be making future family interactions awkward.

You are entitled to make your own choices (such as saying no to hosting these people) and have those choices rank above your father's wants.

ReadingWorm · 08/09/2024 16:11

Just say no.

But I bet you won’t.

NerrSnerr · 08/09/2024 16:17

When you say he tries to control you with money what does that mean? Is he financially supporting you or does he just try to pay for things?

BMW6 · 08/09/2024 16:28

Did your Father buy the house you are now living in or has/is he supporting you financially?

I'm struggling to comprehend why he has such control over your life from a different country to where you are?

As for "having a duty to look after him in old age" - No, you really don't. Especially if the parent has been abusive as yours may have been.

What's the background to these demands? Can you sell your current home and move elsewhere without giving anyone your new address?

FancyBiscuitsLevel · 08/09/2024 17:39

OP- If he’s alone in old age that’s because he wasn’t a good kind father when he was young.

many many lonely old people brought this on themselves by not being kind to others when young.

Original poster

RoxyAlex77 · 12/09/2024 12:01

Hi, I am fortunate enough to own my perfect little house with no help from him or anyone whatsoever. I dont take or want anything from him because he gives with strings attached. He spat at me once that without him and his money I would have ended up selling kebabs in the market. Because he paid for private tuition for me to go to uni. I have always been a straight A student, but the education system in Romania is that poor that all my classmates were getting private tuition. You had to. At least in the UK there are student loans, this way one depends on themselves and hard work pays off. My father now, takes all the credit for my hard work. I apologise for my long message and thank.you for your kind words. I have learned a lot from this thread, that is for sure!

OP posts:

Original poster

RoxyAlex77 · 12/09/2024 12:12

Dont own it yet sorry, £97k mortgage on it haha. Yes he tries to gift me money. I won't take anything from him. He was trying to get me to quit my 2nd job. I have 2 jobs. Not because it was hard on me, only because he was trying to control me. He will give me the money instead! I am aware of his games, malice, control freakness but yeah ..

OP posts:

DeCaray · 12/09/2024 12:16

So she's going to come to stay with you?

Then join we arrival you give her a sheet of paper with your house rules and make her sign it. Not as a legally binding thing but just as a way of telling her you won't stand for any shit.

She makes a mess or noise and you match her out of the house pronto.

ItTook9Years · 12/09/2024 13:22

Why aren’t you NC with him?

I certainly wouldn’t be hosting someone because he told me to!

BMW6 · 12/09/2024 13:31

Right, so he has absolutely NO say in who can come into YOUR home!

He brought you into the world so he had the normal responsibility as a parent to a child, but that doesn't mean you owe him at all.

Tell him to get to fuck and do not let anyone into your home that you have not invited.

It's a pity he knows your address, but you can block his calls and emails or texts, return any letters unread, and stand up for yourself.

It'll be hard, if course, but if you don't he'll push you around the rest of his life.

Good luck - you'll get plenty of support on here to strengthen your resolve

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