How usual is it for 14 yr old teen to want to be on screen so much?

[DavidLynch]

Hi - new to Mumsnet. Hope this is an ok question to ask.

DC doing fine at school. Does a sport which involves training 2x a week and a weekly match. I usually step in with taking him and a friend to do another sport. He might go into town with a friend or to the nearby park.

But otherwise just constant battles over how much screen he wants. Gaming, phone, TV. He shows no interest in anything else.

i find it rough and depressing. How much do I push back?

love to hear from other people

Normal.

Well mine is exactly the same I wish I knew what to do. He does loads of activities, gets good reports at school. ( something of a mystery as he shows no interest in homework) but every single second he’s at home he’s on a screen. Has zero interest in anything else.

Mine is the same

Though I can lock it so it gets locked at night so he can sleep

If he is naughty he looses apps on his phone (I can control them) it seems the best punishment I can think off

Normal I’m afraid.😟

Please can you tell me how you block them? Despite many attempts I am still struggling to control screen use here. He seems to be able to override everything easily.

Normal- I think for many of them being off it is the exception and being on it is the norm. That's why we are seeing so many behavioural issues in schools- they are addicts and constantly withdrawing and then getting their hit again.

Normal. It’s not even just teens, my DSS is 11. Growing up in today’s world is so different.

Normal.

If he is doing his sport 3 times a week, not kicking up a fuss about going to school and generally on top of his homework, then I wouldn't get too bothered about this.

A lot of socialising goes on over gaming. Kids are far less likely to be out and about now like they were when I was that age. But all we did was hang out on street corners, or sit on the church wall eating chipsticks. This is today's equivalent, but everyone in there own home. You need to be aware of who they are talking to though, check friends lists.

Same, but mine don't complain when there are firm limits. They have an iPad with parental controls and dumb phones. Any whining or complaining about turning it off at the end of the session means none the next day.

It's common, but unhealthy. You can read up on average screen use and advised screen use - there's a gap.

You can, if you choose, enforce limits. You say 'x hours per day is a healthy amount. After that it goes in the drawer.' Then you leave them to work out an alternative activity.

Different parents practice different appoaches, and as the national averages are not in line with what is known to be healthy, it is not necessarily going to be helpful to base your approach on 'the norm'. Ultimately you have to think through your opinion, based on a bit of scientific/psychological research, and go with it. The fact is some kids never self-regulate, in that situation a parent's choices are accept, negotiate or set limits.

Normal

Screens can be so addictive- I’m pretty addicted to my phone and have quite an unhealthy level of screen-time and ‘screens’ (other than the TV) weren’t really a thing in my 90s childhood, so I don’t really think it’s parenting. You can be super strict about it whilst their little but the minute they inevitably get access to a screen years later it’s all they want to do.

One of the ways I've managed it is to have a no gaming rule on school nights, we've done this all through school so he's well used to it. He's not allowed to charge his phone in his room or have it over night. And he's not allowed a screen in the last hour before bed so he reads then, gets his packed lunch together etc that kind of thing. He has other hobbies but yes he'd def default to a screen more given the opportunity.

Well, what other options are there for him at home? I’m only asking because we watched the latest Panorama about teen phone use and the first thing that struck me was the fact that neither household had any books in their living room. The mum of the older teen girls didn’t let her go outside by herself at 13, both mums were seen lying on a couch on their phones and both felt like they had to provide 24/7 alternative entertainment.
At 14, I had access to a full family library, I was out with friends all the time, my mum was knitting and my aunt was a cross-stitcher so I picked it up from both of them… we had a computer and a TV in a family room, not in bedrooms so screen time was naturally restricted because it was shared between family members. But there was plenty more to do to occupy one’s time.
My partner is also very uncomfortable about letting the kiddo out by herself. They play chess sometimes, we get an odd board game out and there is plenty for her to read and crafts to do, if she wants to. But, seeing that she is not independently mobile, I am not blaming her for being on screen for the vast majority of the time outside of supervised outings.

I have 3 teens and all would be on it all the time
I limit screen time on the youngest one (14) and actively encourage the older ones to not go on too much.
On holidays and camping we have a no screen rule unless on the journey.
Occasionally we have a no screen week apart from to arrange meet ups etc
They would be on it all the time given the choice. Sometimes DH reminds me to have days off as it's so fucking addictive!
They are good at doing other things, meeting up with friends, baking, going to gym, football in the park, cinema, trampoline park, reading, playing games with each other.
Some of the kids in their school spend all day unless organised activity in their houses on screens and they have given up on several friends as they are just xboxing all day.
Given the choice so they would probably just sat there on the Xbox or doom scrolling.
Only a few parents I know limit screen time and I have to say that their kids tend to be the ones that are much more active socially and physically.

Thank you everyone. That’s really helpful.

we limit. He’s not allowed phone in room overnight - or even in his room much. He gets 2 hours gaming after school and then it’s off.

weekends he gets 3 hours a day, but we insist on other stuff. He can watch tv with us. We might do a board game or chill out together. We bake ans cook.

but it’s such an ordeal sometimes to get him to agree. I feel so down about it all, like I’m failing him.

This has been my life the last few years- always comes back to screens. When I was at work and dh wfh he was trying to pull them off but they’d be on. My eldest’s eyes had dark circles and he was barely concentrating so we’ve had multiple talks, we take everything away late in the evening (most of the time with arguments) and we just treat them like kids, bribing into board games and going out for hikes (generally with food!). It’s so hard and we have to be on it all the time and I’m so jealous of people who’s children can take or leave screens but my two eldest definitely have addictive personalities so we are where we are. Best of luck and well done, it’s exhausting but good for them
in the long run

How old are your kids?

I do feel like it’s harder than having a toddler - now it’s like handling a toddler with a tech addiction

2 or 3 hours is a limit appropriate at primary school IMO. Teenagers should have a bit of leeway to learn their own limits otherwise as soon as he's 16/18 etc he's just going to go crazy.

Make sure he has other things going on in his life, insist on a bit of family time, IRL socialising and activity and then take the limits off or increase them. Talk to him about it and see what he thinks is reasonable, what he'd like time to do and consider what your worries are re what screen time is replacing.

I think when DS1 was 15 was when we took timed limits off and just had a bedtime control so it turns off at a certain point so he has space outside of his phone ready for bed. He is nearly 16 and we'll probably keep the bedtime limit on plus it stops for 2 hours in the early evening to remind him to concentrate on homework. He can ask for this to be turned back on when his homework/chores are finished.

I was on the phone to my friends for hours as a teenager. It's not that different. As PP said it's how they socialise.

He's a child so set boundaries of what is permitted.

Mine have to earn screen time doing like for like hours if other activities (homework, music practice, sport etc..)

Screens are designed to be addictive. It makes me angry at the companies designing these products to turn our children into screen junkies. Have a look at this website for thoughts and resources.
https://smartphonefreechildhood.co.uk
How can the real world compete with the instant gratification of likes and overstimulation.

This Is really interesting. We take them at night (DC aged 15 and 16) but this drifted over the hols and caused ructions when we started again when term began.

Can anyone explain how to automatically shut it down remotely at a certain time?

Also, how to remotely limit the time on apps / games to say 2 hours a day? So the phone stays on for communication, but no snap chat/ tik tok etc

Thanks

YANBU but it’s totally normal.

DavidLynch
10,12,14 and 16! 16 yo most hooked, 14 yo on and off, 12 can take it or leave it, 10 hates screens!!

It is different but you don’t need to give them
screens in the first place. Im
noy a perfect, no-screen parent - they do watch a bit of TV (way less than I did growing up!) but no iPad use outside school (my older child is 10) and no computer games. It is a valid option! I actually don’t think very limited access tp computer games is the end of the world, but they’re addictive to so many children and I’m not prepared to put up with the battles about it. While their young minds are maturing and wiring, why expose them?