How usual is it for 14 yr old teen to want to be on screen so much?

[DavidLynch]

Hi - new to Mumsnet. Hope this is an ok question to ask.

DC doing fine at school. Does a sport which involves training 2x a week and a weekly match. I usually step in with taking him and a friend to do another sport. He might go into town with a friend or to the nearby park.

But otherwise just constant battles over how much screen he wants. Gaming, phone, TV. He shows no interest in anything else.

i find it rough and depressing. How much do I push back?

love to hear from other people

2-3 hours for a primary school child??! A day?? Just staring at a screen? After sitting at school all day

Normal here as well
We insist on two days each week with no gaming, DS will choose the days he's busiest elsewhere but I think that's ok
On the weekends 3 hours each day maximum so he has to find other things to do.
I'd rather he learn to self regulate than have timers etc but that won't work for everyone. They do socialise a lot online so it's not all bad, but it can't be healthy being online all the time.

It shouldn't be seen as normal, because it is not good for developing brains to be constantly given that dopamine hit from gaming or social media. Both are fine in moderation. I just used to impose screen breaks and listen to them moan and moan about how bored they were until they cracked and went away and dis something else.

The month I confiscated dds phone (she had done something stupid on social media) was one of the nicest I ever had with her. Sadly.

Unfortunately it's normal. It's not only kids though. Go out to the park and see how many parents are sat scrolling on phones, same with soft play, restaurants etc, on public transport. Are you making sure you're not just sat on your phone? I realised I was scrolling too much but getting frustrated at my child for battling over screens so I made a conscious decision to cut down myself.

Sounds good except I really don't think they can always self regulate, even if they wanted to.

Check this guide out: www.commonsensemedia.org/articles/parents-ultimate-guide-to-parental-controls.

We use Google Family Link to lock down our kids phones (ignore age info, just set kids ages to younger if required). We can say when they can use their phone (times of day), what apps the can use etc. Do not let your kids use devices with some sort of controls! Any complaints then the device is removed. We (as parents) pay the bill so it's our decision.

Can't edit posts? Meant to say "without controls" above.

I think that's mad as well. 3 hours screen time a day for a primary school kid is absolutely damaging.

It’s normal for teens (and adults tbh). Look around any place with lots of people, and people will be on their screens. Just like I’m spending my Sunday morning on a screen browsing MN and replying to this! A lot of his social life will also be on those screens - I spent a huge amount of time on MSN Messenger as a teen, and there’s much more online now than in the 00s. @Catza’s post is really interesting with what other things do you have to do in your house and what do you model to him? If you (and your partner if applicable) tend to spend your free time on phones/ laptops/ watching TV, then that’s how he’ll learn to fill his free time. I might check out that Panorama episode.

but it’s such an ordeal sometimes to get him to agree. I feel so down about it all, like I’m failing him.

If it becomes an ordeal, ban them, then see how much more tolerant they become of the boundaries. I'm making that sound easier said than done I know, I'm lucky mine are usually pretty compliant, but if they started showing me attitude or groaning, generally making my life harder, privileges would be revoked. And I do have real world experience of this because I have a meta quest headset sat in a cupboard unused for 3 months when they got snippy about the limits I put on that (I was worried about the VR element and their eyesight so was stricter on that) they need to know you mean it.

Normal, from my similar experience with my 14yo DS. I've set up time limits on all his devices and have a strict "off by 9pm" rule.

It’s absolute MADNESS to allow a primary age kid up to 3 hours screentime. You think teens should have more? Please educate yourself about the damage caused to their growing brain…

We probably have limits more like 1-1.5h weekdays with 2-3 hours as a weekend limit. But either way. What were you doing as a child after school? Because yes there were days I was out on my bike etc but there were also many many days I was sat in front of CBBC/CITV until it finished at 6 and then you turned over to BBC2 for the Simpsons.

I do think people ought to be aware of the addictive nature of many of the apps but screen time rotting brains is just this generation's version of "you'll get square eyes!"

I am still to meet any square eyed millennials or Gen Xers. And while I agree it's not healthy to get too sucked into internet stuff, and you can definitely form habits which are hard to break, screens aren't damaging brain cells either.

I disagree. I believe the addictive high / ‘dopamine’ effective literally does damage and change brain chemistry. I also find it a terrible pity that they’re not having time to think, read, craft, relax, play with siblings or pets. Sorry but if a primary age child is school all day/ then 3 hours of screen time then they’re not living a full childhood, it’s very sad.

DC didn’t have virtually any gaming time at primary. We only had an old Wii - got phone at secondary. I monitor that. I turn off WiFi after certain time if they push back on gaming. I try to organise and insist on other stuff. No phones in room. No gaming past early eve.

i don’t know what else i can do. It’s an age where they need some control - different if you’re talking about a 10 year old

i I don’t think all screens are equal. Whilst the gaming etc is more social and interactive than TV - it’s def more addictive

@BertieBotts
I am still to meet any square eyed millennials or Gen Xers

Really? Because I know plenty of millennials and gen Xers who are addicted to screens and spend significant proportion of their lives binging Netflix/TV in general. Husbands gaming all night long is also a common complaint on MN.
I obviously don't hold any data on actual damage to the brain cells but it is undeniably having an impact on social skills and engagement. My partner is constantly on his phone when we go to a restaurant which drives me insane. I don't remember the last time we had screen-free date night. It was possibly our first date...

There is so much research that points to excessive phone/tablet time leading to poor mental health outcomes - I can't quite believe that there are people who don't understand this yet.

It's normal.

Also, he's 14. I think at that age he should be allowed to choose what he does in his down time. He's not a little kid any more.

Extremely normal (I have teens). It’s their world and how all their friends operate too.

We still have screen time restrictions on their phones and gaming (for the one who’s into games) though. They don’t like it but I have explained why I feel it’s best for them, whilst taking into account their views, and that when they are parents they will make decisions based on what they think is best for their children because they will have their long-term best interests at heart.
I wish more parents would do the same because then there would be less comparison with friends who have free rein when it comes to screens.

The issue i find is that the activities are not helping reduce screentime, the moment the activity finishes they expect the screen again. Same with chores or homework, unless there is another obligation they will want a screen. They would have to have an unhealthy amount of activities to occupy themselves so much that there was no time left for screens. The problem is down time, they don't seem to know how to just sit there and chat or mooch about or feel bored. Then when you have an argument they are less likely to do something creative because they are full of anger.

We have schedules and limits but honestly it's a constant issue. I gave up on my eldest at about 15 and i hate that but the fights and stress were constant. He has learned to limit himself in other ways and is maturing a bit and also naturally has a very busy life. My youngest 11 yr old DS could spend 24 hours on screen and I feel our battles will get worse once he gets a phone. It IS depressing OP, what world have we created.

If I think back to my mid-90s teen years, I came home, watched CBBC/ CITV, then Neighbours (so zoned out until 6pm). One evening a week I did a physical activity. I was an avid reader and I enjoyed drawing. I lived out of catchment and didn't socialise casually until 6th form. I was fairly early in having a computer (386 so very slow and low powered) and used applications like paintbrush, and played games like Minesweeper and Solitaire. As I got a more sophisticated computer, I played games like Sim City and Settlers. I didn't live with internet access until my early 20s.

Looking at my DCs, they do more activities and physical activities than I did and have something most days across the week. I get them out doing things like walking, cycling or swimming more.

Dyslexia and migraines aren't conducive to creating a love of reading for pleasure. They also have hypermobile hands so struggle with drawing for prolonged periods. DS1 enjoys Warhammer, but that had to be paced due to the cost.

Not all screen time is equal. DS1 tends to watch more educational content akin to me browsing Encarta on CD rom. DS2, alas is in a skibbidi toilet phase 🙄
DS2 does maintain more social contact with his friends from other neighbourhoods than I could over a landline.

I view it not so much as a quantity question as quality, and what are they missing out on by using screens vs what they do in their offline life. There is also the potential issue of online bullying and ease of undesirables getting in contact.
Yes, my two use screens a lot, but actually their habits aren't way off where mine were at 30 years ago.

There is also less teen-centric TV. As mine are getting older they are picking up interest in series like Race Across the World or Gladiators, but from 8-11 there wasn't much family friendly TV that we found of interest to us.

Unfortunately I can't magic up my children finding reading easy and fun (believe me, I've tried all reluctant reader tips), autistic DS1 suddenly having social motivation or DS2 having friends local enough to see casually.

Honestly I think it’s normal. I was a teenager when smartphones were already a thing and I really did just find peace, comfort and enjoyment in scrolling for hours and watching YouTube/netflix. Before that it was books. It was how I decompressed after school, and a form of escapism.

Adults obviously do that too (yet to a lesser extent because of responsibilities), but there’s also the element of teenagers just having little self discipline. You like something so you just endlessly do it. It can be a problem, if there’s bigger issues within their lives they’re trying to escape from, media that’s damaging to them, or any impact upon physical/mental health and family/social life.

There’a always the broader argument against social media and 24/7 access to addictive technology but to answer your question, I think it is normal in the context of everyone else.

I just want to say this is such a good balanced response, thank you.