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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to try and push my daughter to be more sociable

49 replies

topquaicba · 07/09/2024 22:56

I have a dd13 who am very proud and is doing really well in a lot of areas, however I have been starting to worry lately as she seems to be being a little "left behind" with friendship groups as she is a little introverted and often turns down spontaneous invitation she seems to have her routine that she likes and sticks to, however I worry she is not developing enough social skills and is missing out on fun and I don't want her friends to move on from her and she become lonely she already doesn't have a huge circle of friends.

OP posts:
TheBirdintheCave · 07/09/2024 22:59

Is she happy herself?

Original poster
topquaicba · 07/09/2024 23:09

TheBirdintheCave · 07/09/2024 22:59

Is she happy herself?

I think so and I hope so

OP posts:
CatsandDogs22 · 07/09/2024 23:11

Is she happy though?

It could be worth pointing out that if you say no too often people asking. But alsoMy mother pushed me to be more social my whole life. I actually thought there was something wrong with me because of that until I was in my 30s, when I realised I’m just an introvert. I don’t actually need or want a huge social life.

brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr · 07/09/2024 23:12

Not everyone wants that. If she was very sociable would you force her to be less sociable ? What’s “right” ?

CatsandDogs22 · 07/09/2024 23:12

*stop asking - posted too soon apparently.

NeedaBreakSoon · 07/09/2024 23:13

Please just let her be herself OP. My mother used to badger me to arrange outings with my friends when I was your DHs age. Just made me feel ashamed and that I wasn’t good enough as I was.

TealPoet · 08/09/2024 02:06

If she’s happy please just let her be herself.

YankSplaining · 08/09/2024 02:13

Please, please leave her alone. Introversion isn’t a personality flaw or something you need to fix. My mother used to make me go to mixers and American football games at that age and it was hellish. I never had fun, just felt overwhelmed by the noise and counted minutes until I could go home and read a book.

bergamotorange · 08/09/2024 02:54

Yep, YAB very U.

You're pressuring her to do things she doesn't want to because you're anxious about her future social life.

Your job is to support her while she finds her own way. You need to back off. Some people are quieter than others, which is absolutely fine.

Catsmere · 08/09/2024 02:58

Who's to say she even likes many of these kids? I had three friends through secondary school and wouldn't have wanted to be required to hang around with the others - it was bad enough having to be in the same class.

Edingril · 08/09/2024 03:09

Why can you not get everyone is not the same, if she had issues yes deal with them but why do you think she is doing something wrong?

Life is not an American teenage movie

Original poster
topquaicba · 08/09/2024 10:05

bergamotorange · 08/09/2024 02:54

Yep, YAB very U.

You're pressuring her to do things she doesn't want to because you're anxious about her future social life.

Your job is to support her while she finds her own way. You need to back off. Some people are quieter than others, which is absolutely fine.

I'm not pressuring her though, just wondering if maybe she needs a bit of a push

OP posts:
Original poster
topquaicba · 08/09/2024 10:06

Edingril · 08/09/2024 03:09

Why can you not get everyone is not the same, if she had issues yes deal with them but why do you think she is doing something wrong?

Life is not an American teenage movie

I never said she was doing something wrong

OP posts:
BlueMum16 · 08/09/2024 10:07

Does she go to any clubs outside of school where she can meet more people?
Guides, sports, crafts, theatre?

I would help her expand her interests rather than try and force friendships.

Sameshitdifferentdayx · 08/09/2024 10:08

Just let her be, as long as she is happy, then let her do her thing! 😊

Jc2001 · 08/09/2024 10:09

Probably a bit of social anxiety maybe? I'd encourage her to go out a bit more but don't push it.

Original poster
topquaicba · 08/09/2024 10:13

BlueMum16 · 08/09/2024 10:07

Does she go to any clubs outside of school where she can meet more people?
Guides, sports, crafts, theatre?

I would help her expand her interests rather than try and force friendships.

Only athletics club on a Thursday and sometimes she will go to Costa with her friend after school. That's about it really. No cinema or shopping days out nothing like that.

OP posts:
gannett · 08/09/2024 10:14

topquaicba · 08/09/2024 10:06

I never said she was doing something wrong

Show quote history

Good. Then you'll understand that there isn't a problem to fix and therefore she doesn't need "a bit of a push".

At 13 you know exactly what makes you happy and what makes you unhappy, and it's so tiresome when well-meaning adults think they know better than you. Leave her be.

The push would have to come from within, anyway. I was an introverted 13yo who didn't want to socialise much with my classmates, preferred being on my own reading a book. I became a huge party girl in my 20s because that's when I decided for myself I wanted to get out there and socialise (and also because the people I met as an adult were just far more interesting, as were the activities I could do...)

sueelleker · 08/09/2024 10:16

I've been an introvert all my life. I'm quite happy to talk to people, but I wouldn't say I have any close friends. I'm quite happy with my own company (and my late DH's)

UncharteredWaters · 08/09/2024 10:19

If you’re worried about her maybe suggest joining something that interests her.
it’s social without being unplanned or spontaneous and can be put into the routine she likes.
doesn’t have to be an overly social activity but something more independent if she wishes.
teen friend here joined a camera class

CornishTiger · 08/09/2024 10:30

Going athletes and costa is two more than my daughter does!

I get your point but also actually it’s nice they aren’t growing up too quick and being subjected to all the drama and peer pressure that comes in going out more.

Thepeopleversuswork · 08/09/2024 10:33

As long as she’s happy with this I wouldn’t push it. As others have said you may do more harm than good. You don’t want to make her feel that there’s something intrinsically wrong with being quiet or introverted.

Some people prefer a tighter knit group of friends and that’s fine.

I do agree that social skills are important but at this age I think it’s better to leave kids to develop this at their own pace.

Original poster
topquaicba · 08/09/2024 10:36

Is there anyway to contact someone more senior than head office

OP posts:
Bellatrixpure · 08/09/2024 10:44

Your daughter sounds perfectly fine to me.

Some of us actually enjoy our own company, shock horror

PearlMonster · 08/09/2024 10:45

topquaicba · 08/09/2024 10:36

Is there anyway to contact someone more senior than head office

About your daughter not going out with her friends ?

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