to try and push my daughter to be more sociable

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I have a dd13 who am very proud and is doing really well in a lot of areas, however I have been starting to worry lately as she seems to be being a little "left behind" with friendship groups as she is a little introverted and often turns down spontaneous invitation she seems to have her routine that she likes and sticks to, however I worry she is not developing enough social skills and is missing out on fun and I don't want her friends to move on from her and she become lonely she already doesn't have a huge circle of friends.

PLEASE PLEASE don’t push her.

My mum did this - she called me selfish for not socialising enough - and it turned me into a people pleaser who suffered horrendous bullying, humiliation and abusive relationships. I would’ve matured much quicker if simply left alone to be my own person

Let her be herself.
What exactly do you think you'd be pushing her to do?

Which head office are you looking for?

As she only hangs out after school approx 2 days a week. What shall I get her to do on the other days because I worry for her mental health as I don't believe she is active enough

Apparently, those of us who are introverted to a greater or lesser degree make up just under half of the world's population; it's not unusual or anything to be ashamed about. I see the ability to live comfortably in my own skin without the need for company or entertainment (unless I want it) as a strength; I am never bored.

If you think your daughter is introverted, as opposed to suffering from anxiety or some other MH condition, please allow her to just do her own thing. When I was a child my parents came close to making my life a nightmare by "encouraging" me to be more sociable, e.g., forcing me to attend a Girl Guides jamboree when I wanted to be left in peace to read a really good book. I was a teenager before they finally got the message and stopped worrying...and yes, I did have friends, just not a huge circle of acquaintances.

Accident was meant for am email I think

What do you think you pushing her ‘to be more social’ is going to do for her mental health?

You are creating a problem that doesn’t exist

Is her mental health actually suffering though ?

I'm shy, and introverted.

At school my teachers kept saying I needed to put my hand up more. I didn't see the point because I was keeping up and doing well.

I'd go out once or twice a week with my friends but that was enough.

Imagine an introvert asa full pitcher of water. Every time they socialise, the water spills. Then at some point, there's no water left and the introvert needs to refuel with more water to the top. This might take a few days.

What with school and her activities I think your daughter is doing enough. She needs time to recharge.

My mum always pushed this on me, I was happy just staying home with my books. But, you know what, aged 22 and still fairly introverted, I went travelling for a year, made loads of friends, came home a social butterfly! I've reverted more into an introvert since lockdown & turning 40, but don't push your daughter, she'll find her own way & figure out her own personality & social comfort levels!

I was like your daughter I still am I don't need a crowd of friends to feel I've succeeded in life.
I have a small group of 3 close friends.
If she's happy let her be.
My mother would push me in all sorts of social events and I hated it .
I love silence and books not people pleasing.
My mother is a social butterfly and it was all gossiping and ear say and drama not something I wanted.

Does she believe 2 days is enough?
TBH that's more than enough for most introverts. Stop trying to make her into you.

Maybe think about reading Raising a Teen by Sarah Ockwell Smith, there is a good section on introvert teens. (The basics of it is don't push them into doing things, and it is not a flaw to be fixed)

This is a You Problem. There’s nothing wrong with your daughter. Twice a week is more socialising than lots of young teens.

Leave. Her. To. It.

I can’t stress this enough.

My confidence, sociable and popular mother was always trying to do what you are, OP, and it crushed my self worth. Being myself wasn’t enough, I ‘should’ be out more, seeing more people, making more friends. She thought what made her happy and successful would be what I needed to be happy and successful.

Your DD is a different person with different needs and strengths. Respect that and back off.

Is she saying no when her friends suggest the cinema or shopping? If so maybe ask her what activities she would enjoy doing with her friends, and encourage her to suggest those.

If she is happy as she is then back off and leave her be. Just casually check with her now and then that all is good but don't push her to socialise if she doesn't want to.

Nothing irks an introvert more than a more extroverted person not understanding us and pushing us to come out of our shells and pretend to be the social butterflies that we are not.

At her age, a push towards doing something will 100% feel like expectation and pressure. Those years are hard enough without her feeling Mum thinks she's not being everything she should be.

So with the athletics that's 3 evenings out of 7 she has stuff on. She's also got homework. And family life. And doing her own thing in her room. I think your expectations of her are seriously just too much.

If she's fine and happy in her own company this is a MASSIVE plus point. My SiL is 40 and still can't cope spending a day on her own. Stop expecting your Daughter to dance to your tune. Leave her be else you'll ruin what confidence she does have.

Does she have any siblings? What are your working hours like? Could you and her go a walk once a week for example. Or a brother/sister. Would be fresh air,off screens,chatting etc

She sounds like my niece. She socialises on her terms with her kind of people. There's nothing wrong with that. As others have said, don't make her think there's something wrong with her by pressuring her to be someone she's not. She should be herself and you should encourage her to choose friends who like her for being herself.

This is tricky. Can her behaviour/preferences all be explained wholly by introversion/a genuine preference to be by herself more often than not?

Or might there be some social anxiety at play, where she is avoiding situations to avoid potential discomfort?

If she’s happy leave her be. I remember as a teen my dad suddenly saying to me ‘you should go out more’ it seemed like a criticism and for some reason it really cut me. I interpreted it as I wasn’t doing my age correctly. I actually felt really upset by it but I never told my dad, he thought he was being encouraging. As I got in to my later teens I became more social off my own back.

This may simply be what you think she should want not what she wants and needs. Talk to her, just generally not questioning, see how she's doing, see if she's unhappy or not. My DC are all ND and my middle DS would often take himself off away from everyone at lunchtime and I'd worry a lot, but I eventually realise it was about what I thought he needed, I was worrying about a future problem that might happen, I was worried he'd never have friends. He has heaps now but still prefers to hang out on his own on weekends and after school. My DD does have mental health problems along with being Autistic and sport has been really good for her, but we managed to stumble on one she loves and she doesn't want to do anything else in summer when footballs not on. I had a group of friends at high school, but would often go and read at the library at lunchtime, I have a low ability to interact socially and need a lot of time by myself, not everyone wants or needs the same things to be happy.

When is the poor girl allowed to have some peace and rest in her own home? She's at school all week and has two lots of other activities, and you think she's not socialising enough?