Worked on daughter's bday - am I selfish?

[Bluebells81]

I am working freelance on a project which required me to do a weekend activity for 4 hrs for a client. Unfortunately the only window available in the project schedule was on my DD's 9th birthday. Delaying the activity would have meant delaying the whole project by 3 weeks with big cost implications.

My DH called me selfish and other similar things for days before bday and all through the day. E.g if DD was a bit sad: "well because mummy thinks she is more important we couldn't do X YZ.."

I was there for my Dd to unwrap presents in morning and joined family all afternoon and evening.

I feel DH could have made an effort to make 4 hours of the day enjoyable while I wasnt here. He was telling me I'm in the wrong all day and upsetting children by trying to pick a fight - which I tried to ignore but DCs picked up the atmosphere and got really sad.

I rarely prioritise my activities. For years my career took a back seat to all family activity. I get that the timing was really bad for DD. But a week later it is still being mentioned every time DH is in a slightest grump.

Should I suck it up and find a way to make amends for DD getting upset on bday. Or is DH being an arse and needs to stop making me feel bad and move on?

What an absolute scumbag your husband is, and a shitty father to boot. Using your daughter’s emotions like that to score points against you is really awful. You didn’t do anything wrong, sometimes work has to come first particularly if there are cost implications involved.

Second option - but replace “on” with “out”.

I wouldn't be able to get past him using the children in his emotional manipulation of you and would be ending the marriage to be honest. He clearly has no respect for you.

It is completely normal to go to work on your child's birthday and I suspect if the roles were reversed he would have thought nothing of it.

You were there for all of the important bits. Your husband sounds like a bit of a prick.

He's a nasty twat. Hope that helps. Lots of people work on children's birthdays (and Christmas). Absolutely don't apologise. Tell him you are fed up of hearing it and if he can't make a part of a day special without you holding his hands for it all, quite frankly he's a pathetic father.

Be bright and breezy with DD. "I know I had to work some of it, but we still had x and y and a lovely time."

For years my career took a back seat to all family activity.

He has no leg to stand on. I'd give him hell.

Not selfish at all - life has to go on, and four hours is hardly all day. At nine she’s older enough to realise that things happen.

Does she miss school on her birthday?

Your husband is a dick.

Ridiculous. Surely most parents have to work on their children’s birthdays?! If it was her first birthday then I might understand slightly, although it wouldn’t excuse the crappy comments from DH, but she’s 9. Is he expecting you both to take the day off for her birthday until she reaches adulthood?

Sounds to me like he's not happy you're working and he's trying to make you feel bad about it. What a shithouse.

I doubt this is an isolated incident of twattery by DH?

It sounds as though he doesn’t like you very much ☹️

He sounds like a prick. Loads of people have to work on their children's birthdays and the important thing is that your dd knows that showing love and marking an occasion in a special way isn't measured in how many hours you're there.

I was rarely able to be around all day on my kids' birthdays (and as 2 of the 3 had term time birthdays they were often in school. Only one always had her birthday in the Christmas holidays.) They all grew up fine and untraumatised by the fact they had a mum who had a job!

I’m guessing your DH has some kind of resentment he’s been brewing over and is using this as an outlet for it? Because it’s certainly not reasonable for him to behave like that (btw, not saying it is reasonable for him if he has something he’s resentful about, just wondering if the birthday issue is a red herring for something else he’s bothered about).

Sounds like you have another child in the family

We left one of our children at the grandparents for 2nd birthday. It was a weekend. We had to work. Guess what. The child survieved.
Another child celebrated a birthday at summer camp. And survieved.

Birthdays on a weekday? We work. That's life.

Kick your husband in the *ss.

I'd make it up to her anyway, but without DH, and framed as a belated mummy and DD birthday treat. But your DH was being an unsupportive knob, frankly. This should be the sort of thing where parents work as a team to cover each other, not an opportunity to slag each other off in front of the children and score points.
Would it be fair to assume you've done plenty of childcare and mental load over birthdays, over the years to support his career?

This is completely bizarre. I don't know anyone who takes a day off for their children's birthdays. Just celebrate the evening and have a party the weekend before or after. Your husband is a bellend.

Your husband slags you off to your children and you aren't divorcing him? What other option is there?

Obviously not! I would expect most parents will work on their children's birthdays, most years. It's called "life". And the children will have a nice day, and still understand that not everything has to stop for someone's birthday. It's a win-win.

I mean, I still do and they are mid twenties with jobs of their own.

However, I still think four hours work on the day, or even twelve hours if it had to be done, is OK. It’s disgusting for the DH to try to make OP feel guilty.

I agree with PP, maybe he thinks OP shouldn’t be working/is doing too well/too independent/too big for her boots.

He needs to get back into line sharpish as that behaviour is unacceptable (Gosh I am turning into Supernanny)

Your husband is nasty. He doesn't respect you, and thinks the children are an emotional weapon to wield.

Nasty nasty nasty man.

Your husband is an arse. Of course 4 hours work, or any work that's necessary has to come before birthday. Happens all the time to shift workers.

He should've not made it a big deal and did something nice with her for the 4 hours you weren't there.

What an absolute crime working, an absolute sin on your DD's birthday. NOT....its good for DC to realise sometimes there are hiccups and cannot always get their way. As long as you made it up, it's not an issue.

@simpledeer what do you do for the whole day when your dc are at work? That's very strange!

That is ridiculous. My husband was away for work for the entire week of our son's birthday. We all survived. Think he's been away a few times actually. And he didn't come to their parties many times as he'd hang out with our other child during the party (they don't go to each others parties). Their parties aren't often on their actual birthdays anyway

Several times I've taken the day off work and done something for myself - battled infertility, had rough pregnancies and a horrible bout of PPD after both and I like to remind myself that I got through it - so I get myself a nice lunch or whatever while my kids are at school. My husband has no problem with this obvs.