Worked on daughter's bday - am I selfish?

[Bluebells81]

I am working freelance on a project which required me to do a weekend activity for 4 hrs for a client. Unfortunately the only window available in the project schedule was on my DD's 9th birthday. Delaying the activity would have meant delaying the whole project by 3 weeks with big cost implications.

My DH called me selfish and other similar things for days before bday and all through the day. E.g if DD was a bit sad: "well because mummy thinks she is more important we couldn't do X YZ.."

I was there for my Dd to unwrap presents in morning and joined family all afternoon and evening.

I feel DH could have made an effort to make 4 hours of the day enjoyable while I wasnt here. He was telling me I'm in the wrong all day and upsetting children by trying to pick a fight - which I tried to ignore but DCs picked up the atmosphere and got really sad.

I rarely prioritise my activities. For years my career took a back seat to all family activity. I get that the timing was really bad for DD. But a week later it is still being mentioned every time DH is in a slightest grump.

Should I suck it up and find a way to make amends for DD getting upset on bday. Or is DH being an arse and needs to stop making me feel bad and move on?

I always worked on my kids birthdays if I was rostered on. That’s life. If my DH had if carried on like that I would have ditched him asap, that’s abusive to the kids carrying on like that. Also, deeply, deeply, unattractive.

Yanbu.

lots of children spend their birthday at school etc and celebrate morning & evening with their parents. Or do an activity or party the nearest weekend.

both our dc have birthdays in school holidays so we do book leave. However, if one of us couldn’t take the day off then we’d do something without that person and then they can join in when they finish. It’s not complicated!

he’s been really out of line with the emotional manipulation.

Sounds like your husband has an issue with you working and being successful, is he jealous? Do you earn more than him and he and his little penis can’t take it?

He sounds like an absolute fucking twat, using the poor girl to score points. HE ruined her day, not you missing 4 hours of it.

No! I meant they are old enough to have jobs of their own 😂😂😂

They always book their own and each other’s birthdays off and we all go out to lunch 😍😍😍

You did NOTHING wrong

Your husband is vile.

What does he do when the birthday falls on a weekday? Take the day off? He's being a twat.

Your husband is a selfish cunt. It must be horrible to live with someone so negative and spiteful

That would be the end of my marriage. I'm pretty sure that this isn't an isolated incident, and he's really shown who he is.

A petty, nasty, unpleasant creature who is quite prepared to RUIN his DDs 9th birthday in a serious attempt to have a dig at his wife and score points in some pathetic game only he is playing. How awful. I could never have sex with him again, frankly.

Is his penis as tiny as his fatherhood skills are?

Your husbands a fucking arsehole, hope this helps.

Your husband is a wanker

My mum was often working away on my birthday as a child and it did no harm at all. Your daughter is old enough to understand you need to work.

well because mummy thinks she is more important we couldn't do X YZ.." this is awful. You should leave him. He'll still do it but you can do him in court for parental alienation

"well because mummy thinks she is more important we couldn't do X YZ.."

This is the thing I'd focus on, its unforgivable. Your DH is prepared to emotionally abuse your daughter to make you feel bad. This time its about working, next time it could be anything else he disapproves of.

Thanks for all the messages. My work project has taken a lot of time lately and DH has cut back his work to take on more childcare. He is clearly fed up with this new state of affairs. Although sometimes he is very proud and supportive of what I am doing. Other times he makes me feel guilty when I am doing less family things.

Making some special time for DD sounds lovely. I guess I just have to keep going with the project. I hope it will put me in a good place career-wise in a year or so. Then there will be choices to make.

well because mummy thinks she is more important we couldn't do X YZ..

This is really bad. Horrible and upsetting for the children, downright nasty to you, and all with a much worse affect than you missing part of the day.

I would need a very forthright straight talking summit meeting well away from the kids. To let him know that however upset and dissatisfied he is that was a very destructive and nasty way to deal with it. But talk and listen to how he is feeling about your respective roles. And what is that is riling him, male pride, his own lack of work fulfilment , or what?

Might even be worth exploring all this in couples counselling.

If he is not receptive to any of this and continues this behaviour I would ltb . You can’t live like this.

You were present for most of the day.

Your husband is an unsupportive, malicious dick.

And a petty twat for involving your child in his manipulation. That would kill any feelings I have for him.

I agree that the counselling to help us to adjust to changes in sharing domestic load would help. But where does one start with this? I would like to actually do it this time.
In the past when DH is being a t**t/bully just the suggestion of counselling as been enough to sort things out. I think he realises he would be called out for his behaviour by a counsellor. So I have never gone through with arranging it.
But this change is permanent. I need him to keep doing what he has been doing to step up domestically, but to stop being a moody arse about it.