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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think he's unfair with finances

34 replies

loandbeholder · 07/09/2024 16:08

Been together for 11 years, 2 DDs and a mortgage. We've had a rocky couple of years as he has form for being emotionally abusive, but that's a separate issue.

I work part time around the girls. Eldest DD has just turned 4 and started reception last week, youngest is 2 and in preschool (they are 13 months apart). I work PT around school hours which is actually pretty stressful as it gives me 15 mins leeway to drop off DD1 to school, DD2 to preschool and get to the office in time, to then shoot off from work to collect them both by 3pm in different locations. I cannot work anymore than I already do as it would increase DD2s nursery bill (we do get the 15 hours free and have to pay extra on top as she does 18 hours a week), and we don't have anyone to watch them outside of school hours. So as it stands, my work opportunities are pretty limited.

Partner works self employed all week including weekends. I solo parent all of the time, which isn't easy on-top of working and running the house, but I do my best. As I work PT my wage isn't the best, but it's enough to cover the monthly food shopping, tv bill, car insurance, phone bill and nursery bill along with clothes for both DDs and any leisure/days out I do with them at weekends or days off. He pays for the rest (mortgage and utilities).

My outgoings do exceed my income, and I am often in my overdraft. I feel as though I can't ask him for money as he gets huffy. Whenever I do ask for anything, he claims he is 'helping me out' which I find really belittling as it is only ever money I need for the children. If he puts petrol in the car, he acts as though he is doing me a huge favour like I use my car to drive on a jolly - the only times I drive my car are to get the girls to where they need to go. I broke down today after I went to collect some uniform for my eldest from Next, and when we came out both DDs said they were thirsty. I tried to buy them both a small bottle of water each and my card was declined, this has become a bit of a habit recently and it is really embarrassing but it also makes me feel like an inadequate mother that can't even provide basics for the girls. In reality if I were able to work full time I would be able to have a respectable wage again, but I can't do this as I have to be the sole carer for the girls, and I work as much as I physically can.

I just feel as though he treats our finances separately when we are supposed to be a team, is this normal? Am I over reacting? It all just feels so unfair

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 07/09/2024 16:11

We've had a rocky couple of years as he has form for being emotionally abusive, but that's a separate issue.

Him being emotionally abusive is never a separate issue. It is the issue. Money is just another thing he uses as a stick to beat you with.

Swanbeauty · 07/09/2024 16:15

This reply has been withdrawn

Withdrawn at OP's request.

Changeiscomingthisyear · 07/09/2024 16:16

He is emotionally abusive and financially abusive.

Blobblobblob · 07/09/2024 16:18

Look up how much childcare support you could claim as a single parent

Hint - a lot

Mrsttcno1 · 07/09/2024 16:18

I think what you need to do tonight, after the kids are in bed, is have an open and honest discussion about finances. Get a pen and paper and go through all of the expenses, and I mean everything, that both of you are paying. Write everything down, add it all up, and then look at how much you both earn each month and see if there is a way to balance it better.

It may be that actually he is also left with nothing after paying for everything he pays for, maybe things just are tight all round for you at the moment. But it may be that actually when it’s all written down you can see that he’s left with say £500 after paying his bills while you’re left with £10. If that is the case then you need to be discussing which of the extra bills he is going to pay for to try and even things up.

Or in an ideal world just have a joint account which all money goes into, and all bills etc come out of.

skyeisthelimit · 07/09/2024 16:20

You need to sit down with him and bank statements for all your accounts and look at what comes in and what goes out, then work out a fair payment for each of you to pay in to cover the costs. He earns more so he pays more in. You need to look at the annual expenses too.

He is not, at any point, doing you a favour, by paying for things for HIS children.

If he won't have that discussion, or agree to put more into the finances, then you have a serious problem that won't change.

Ponderingwindow · 07/09/2024 16:25

Why is there at least one of these posts every single day?

This is not equality. This is a man using you.

if you work part-time to care for his children, then his earnings are your earnings. You get full access to all accounts and the two of you get equal discretionary money. You discretionary money is for you, not the children. The child budget is separate.

If he won’t agree to that, then stop working part-time, put the children in care, hand him half the bill and his schedule for half the drop offs, pickups, sick days, and school holidays. Also bedtimes, mornings, etc. get a full time job and start looking out for yourself.

HappyHeader · 07/09/2024 16:27

This is why emotional abuse shouldn’t have been ignored. You’re trying to convince yourself it’s not an issue when it fact it has ramped up and now he’s also financially abusing you.

simpledeer · 07/09/2024 16:29

It’s not a separate issue, it’s the exact same issue. He’s an abusive dickhead.

Are you going to tell us you have no idea how much he earns and that he doesn’t want to get married because it’s “just a piece of paper?”

I feel for you OP I really do. You have sleepwalked into an abusive relationship and you now need to extricate yourself. He will have to pay you around 20% of his net income and you will possibly be entitled to UC top up.

Check out the entitledto website. Get copies of any financial info you can find whether paper or online, so you know what he’s earning and spending.

Is your name on the house deeds?

Original poster
loandbeholder · 07/09/2024 16:31

In his view his money is his money, he covers what he needs to and the rest is down to me. If I need anything extra then he is 'helping me out' and makes me feel small for even asking.

He would never dream of doing school drop offs, pick ups or taking time off for sickness or half terms because he 'has to go to work'. How nice it must be to be able to go and earn a full time wage without the worry of childcare

OP posts:
Original poster
loandbeholder · 07/09/2024 16:35

@simpledeer yes my name is on the deeds, I put more into the deposit than he did at the time of purchase but he has made a mess of our home.

When I fell pregnant with DD2 in 2021, he took £30,000 from our mortgage to cover an extension which he planned to build himself. Over two years later and all I have to show for that £30,000 is a hole next to my house and a stack of bricks on my driveway. The money is all gone.

We did seperate earlier this year however the house wouldn't sell due to the building mess, unless we considerably dropped the price to less than what we originally paid. After him adding £30,000 onto our mortgage and spending it all, I wouldn't have even gotten my deposit back. I am not able to get any help with housing all the while I am named on the mortgage, but the mortgage company can't remove either of our names as neither of us can pass the affordability on our own. So essentially, I'm stuck and trying to make the best of itSad

OP posts:
CowTown · 07/09/2024 16:36

Tell him that since having children with him, you haven’t been able to make ends meet. Tell him that you need to go FT to meet your financial obligations, which will involve wraparound care for the DCs. Since the DCs are 50% yours and 50% his, the cost needs to be split 50/50 and the drop offs need to be 50/50. Then stop talking and don’t say anything else. Let him say what he thinks about that.

Are you married?

TwinklyAmberOrca · 07/09/2024 16:36

loandbeholder · 07/09/2024 16:31

In his view his money is his money, he covers what he needs to and the rest is down to me. If I need anything extra then he is 'helping me out' and makes me feel small for even asking.

He would never dream of doing school drop offs, pick ups or taking time off for sickness or half terms because he 'has to go to work'. How nice it must be to be able to go and earn a full time wage without the worry of childcare

If that's his attitude then your entire relationship is pointless.

Either he wants to be a team/partnership or he doesn't.

I would suggest going onto the EntitledTo website and see which benefits you'd be entitled to as a single parent. You'd probably be SO much better off than you are now!

You're going to have to put on your big girl pants though, and tell him that either he shares money so you both have 50% of what's left over after bills, or the relationship is over.

CowTown · 07/09/2024 16:39

loandbeholder · 07/09/2024 16:35

@simpledeer yes my name is on the deeds, I put more into the deposit than he did at the time of purchase but he has made a mess of our home.

When I fell pregnant with DD2 in 2021, he took £30,000 from our mortgage to cover an extension which he planned to build himself. Over two years later and all I have to show for that £30,000 is a hole next to my house and a stack of bricks on my driveway. The money is all gone.

We did seperate earlier this year however the house wouldn't sell due to the building mess, unless we considerably dropped the price to less than what we originally paid. After him adding £30,000 onto our mortgage and spending it all, I wouldn't have even gotten my deposit back. I am not able to get any help with housing all the while I am named on the mortgage, but the mortgage company can't remove either of our names as neither of us can pass the affordability on our own. So essentially, I'm stuck and trying to make the best of itSad

He does this and then says he is “helping you out”?

“Yes, darling, I need an extra £100 this week. We can take it out if my overpayment on the deposit + my £15k out of the £30k that you borrowed from our mortgage.”

The cheek of him!

Caffeinequeen91 · 07/09/2024 16:39

Yes he’s being unfair. I’m the higher earner compared to my DH but we have a credit card in my name with him as an additional card for all family and child related spends. It would be shameful for me to treat him the way your husband is treating you.

ViciousCurrentBun · 07/09/2024 16:40

He is self employed so even if his expected CM is a decent amount if he wants to he could probably unfortunately hide it if he wanted to. I am not saying stay with him but in cases like this with an already awful human being he will probably try and wriggle out of it.

simpledeer · 07/09/2024 16:40

loandbeholder · 07/09/2024 16:35

@simpledeer yes my name is on the deeds, I put more into the deposit than he did at the time of purchase but he has made a mess of our home.

When I fell pregnant with DD2 in 2021, he took £30,000 from our mortgage to cover an extension which he planned to build himself. Over two years later and all I have to show for that £30,000 is a hole next to my house and a stack of bricks on my driveway. The money is all gone.

We did seperate earlier this year however the house wouldn't sell due to the building mess, unless we considerably dropped the price to less than what we originally paid. After him adding £30,000 onto our mortgage and spending it all, I wouldn't have even gotten my deposit back. I am not able to get any help with housing all the while I am named on the mortgage, but the mortgage company can't remove either of our names as neither of us can pass the affordability on our own. So essentially, I'm stuck and trying to make the best of itSad

I think you have posted before? This sounds familiar.

I think you need some legal advice tbh. I would rather walk away with nothing and just sign the house over to him if there’s no equity now.

Do you have family who would help you?

Mrsttcno1 · 07/09/2024 16:41

Honestly OP I think you need to cut your losses and put the house up for sale, at a price that will sell, and call it a day.

Mrsttcno1 · 07/09/2024 16:42

simpledeer · 07/09/2024 16:40

I think you have posted before? This sounds familiar.

I think you need some legal advice tbh. I would rather walk away with nothing and just sign the house over to him if there’s no equity now.

Do you have family who would help you?

Show quote history

OP can’t sign the house over unless he can get a mortgage to cover the full amount, which he can’t.

Naunet · 07/09/2024 16:45

He stole 15k from you and spent it on himself and then says his money is his? He is an abusive, sexist prick, you need to leave him. If you can’t do it for yourself, do it for your daughters, who deserve a better role model than this.

Original poster
loandbeholder · 07/09/2024 16:47

I have posted before at the time we were separated early this year for advice on the house. I left when I'd had enough, but I went back because the house just wasn't getting any interest and I couldn't afford to keep it afloat on my own. He left all of the bills to me and said he would only contribute if he moved back in. So I was trying to cover a mortgage, utilities, childcare and all bills on a PT wage. He did fiddle his books for the Child Maintenance too so only had to pay £320 a month which didn't even cover half of the nursery bill at the time. I was backed into a corner I suppose, and still am. Trying to make it work as best as I can but I am miserable and ontop of that, broke. It's all just a horrible situation

OP posts:
Original poster
loandbeholder · 07/09/2024 16:48

I have no family to help Sad

OP posts:
Spirallingdownwards · 07/09/2024 16:48

Presumably you aren't married? Please tell me that when you bought the house you did so as tenants in common and your have a trust deed showing your beneficial interest reflecting your larger deposit?

You really do need to lawyer up. Someone else better in the know will be able to say whether you can get some form of top up benefits including for housing if you left him. After all it sounds like he does nothing with or for the kids so you may actually end up better off.

CowTown · 07/09/2024 16:59

What TF did he do with the £30k loan that he took out of your mortgage? I’m pretty sure that a hole and a pile of bricks does not equal £30k.

MumDoingMyBest · 07/09/2024 17:12

I'm going to ask this gently - do you think the current condition of the house could be another way to control you? As it does somewhat limit your options for leaving. If the hole was filled in and the bricks gone, what would the house be worth? Could you get your deposit back?

I think you do need to get legal advice to see what your options are.