To think he's unfair with finances

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Been together for 11 years, 2 DDs and a mortgage. We've had a rocky couple of years as he has form for being emotionally abusive, but that's a separate issue.

I work part time around the girls. Eldest DD has just turned 4 and started reception last week, youngest is 2 and in preschool (they are 13 months apart). I work PT around school hours which is actually pretty stressful as it gives me 15 mins leeway to drop off DD1 to school, DD2 to preschool and get to the office in time, to then shoot off from work to collect them both by 3pm in different locations. I cannot work anymore than I already do as it would increase DD2s nursery bill (we do get the 15 hours free and have to pay extra on top as she does 18 hours a week), and we don't have anyone to watch them outside of school hours. So as it stands, my work opportunities are pretty limited.

Partner works self employed all week including weekends. I solo parent all of the time, which isn't easy on-top of working and running the house, but I do my best. As I work PT my wage isn't the best, but it's enough to cover the monthly food shopping, tv bill, car insurance, phone bill and nursery bill along with clothes for both DDs and any leisure/days out I do with them at weekends or days off. He pays for the rest (mortgage and utilities).

My outgoings do exceed my income, and I am often in my overdraft. I feel as though I can't ask him for money as he gets huffy. Whenever I do ask for anything, he claims he is 'helping me out' which I find really belittling as it is only ever money I need for the children. If he puts petrol in the car, he acts as though he is doing me a huge favour like I use my car to drive on a jolly - the only times I drive my car are to get the girls to where they need to go. I broke down today after I went to collect some uniform for my eldest from Next, and when we came out both DDs said they were thirsty. I tried to buy them both a small bottle of water each and my card was declined, this has become a bit of a habit recently and it is really embarrassing but it also makes me feel like an inadequate mother that can't even provide basics for the girls. In reality if I were able to work full time I would be able to have a respectable wage again, but I can't do this as I have to be the sole carer for the girls, and I work as much as I physically can.

I just feel as though he treats our finances separately when we are supposed to be a team, is this normal? Am I over reacting? It all just feels so unfair

He's being financially abusive. What did he do with the £30k and what is his plan for fixing (and paying for) the house?

In good relationships finances are combined. Everything gets paid into a pot and everything comes out of the pot.

He claimed that the architect made a mistake with the drawings and all the money was spent correcting what had been done wrong and on new plans, I don't know the extent of this though. If he filled in the hole and all bricks were removed it wouldn't make too much difference as the driveway would all need to be redone where he dug and were still £30,000 more in debt to the mortgage company than we were before, so essentially he has added more money to the mortgage and decreased the value of the house. He really has me stuck between a rock and a hard place, it's so difficult

As is so often the case, the first reply has it.

Not for everyone. DH and I have been together for 23 years and have separate finances. However, we communicate, are transparent, and my financial obligations have fluctuated throughout the years when my career was impacted by the children. There’s no right or wrong way, as long as both parties are open and fair.

£30k on architect fees for an extension?

I remember you.

You are still being abused. Financially and emotionally. Please go to CAB and get some legal advice regarding the house. You need to disentangle yourself from him as quickly as possible.

This is financial abuse in addition to the emotional abuse.
He isn't helping you out. He's making you struggle whilst he is fine.

So much here it’s hard to know where to start!

This is really serious financial abuse, and is all one parcel with the emotional abuse.

Giving up your working options for a man you aren’t married to is always a mistake. You need to see childcare as a joint expense, and a joint responsibility to get the kids to and fro.

I could go through lots of things that need to change but basically he isn’t going to change so I’d be looking at what you can get as a single parent in terms of state support and from him in maintenance.

I might take the hit on the house sale just to get it sold, as you just need out of there.