Sister-in-law and my daughter

[OliviaLancs]

Sister-in-law over the years has been down right rude and disrespectful to me. When I saw her last, I told DH that I would no longer put up with her comments for the sake of anybody and I was fed up of feeling like we all have to walk on eggshells around her.

Since I’ve put in place boundaries and have grey rocked her, she has gone OTT with my DD (5). She told DD that she was also her mother - I was number 1 and she was number 2. I didn’t know anything about it until Mother’s Day when DD had innocently asked if she needed to buy Aunty X a gift as she was her mummy.

DH then gave sister in law unsupervised Face Time contact and she had commented on it being better if mummy didn’t travel with her and DH to see the rest of DHs family. This was parroted back from DD when she says she didn’t want me to go.

Ive had enough and DH, after another heated discussion about her, FINALLY understands why I feel the way I do and understands my boundaries and the reasons why. I’ve made it very clear she is not having any future unsupervised access.

DD is now receiving lots of post from SIL with photos of SIL telling her how she can’t wait for her to visit, how proud she is of her and all sorts of things which quite honestly are the things only a mother would say.

We live a good few hours from her so I’ve gone 10 months now with no contact etc. I know some will say how nice to have such a caring Aunt etc but it’s caused so many problems and I feel like she’s just doing all of this because she knows it will annoy me.

I don’t know what else to do as I don’t like the way she is trying to act like a second parent to my daughter.

She's weird. Don't pass on the post.

She's 5, you're her Mum, you get to decide what she receives.

This sounds tricky.
Presumably she doesn’t have dc or boundaries.

Firstly don’t give the post to your dd.
And keep your dd at a distance for a bit.

Yes she has a child of her own who is 12.

Hard not to give the post as sometimes DH spots it first.

Your SIL told your daughter she was her mum number 2. How did your husband react to this?

Then you say you have stopped all unsupervised access with your husband's agreement so problem solved surely?

Your SIL sounds very odd.

I would carry on as you are.

Confront her and tell her to stop saying weird things to your child .
It's super creepy to say you are also someone's mum .
And I agree with others just stop letting your child see any post.
Your dh needs to also say somthing to his sister.
I would have kicked off long ago.
If nothing else it's very confusing for your dd

He initially thought I’d taken it out of context or DD had made it up.

We have yet to see her for the unsupervised part face to face

Not at all unreasonable- at best she’s being weird and at worst she’s using your daughter as a weapon against you and risking messing her up in the process. That is unforgivable and I’d have nothing more ti do with her and neither would my child. No more FaceTimes with mad aunty and your husband needs to stop passing on this post to his 5 year old. Why would a child want regular photos of their relative anyway? Has he stopped to think how weird that is? The letters are just manipulative and again, sounds like she’s attempting to weaponise your child against you.

Its not been changed by DD has it I assume your SIL isn’t a god parent and your daughter misunderstood and called her another mummy?

What do you mean out of context? What was the context?

I wouldn't tolerate this for a second and if my husband didn't support me I would absolutely be rethinking my marriage.
This must be so confusing for your daughter.
I cannot understand women staying with disloyal men.

Absolutely no futher contact until it is properly sorted out by your husband.
No futher visiting either until it is sorted.

This is what happens when you allow batshit people trample on your boundaries.

You need to make deeply uncomfortable for your husband until he sorts his family out.

I agree that she is using your child to manipulate you. I have several nieces and would never dream of lovebombing them or acting like their parent, or interfering in my siblings’ parenting, it would feel weird. The odd postcard, presents is fine but this seems designed
to rile you up because she don’t pander to her.

Why is your DH passing on posts when you have asked him not to? Tbh sounds like he feels a bit piggy in the middle. He may want to be "loyal" to his sister for reasons connected to their childhood. I don't know your SIL but how you do or don't engage with her may be a decision you and your DH have to reach together, taking each person's viewpoint into account. I do however agree that an Aunt shouldn't be telling their niece they are a "second mother". They aren't. They're an Aunt. Good luck to you and your family resolving this.

You and your husband both need to not show her any posts. She doesn't need to see social media at five.

Get mail for your daughter redirected to a friends house or a PO Box so she doesn’t see it. Save it up. Send her a direct message telling her to stop sending mail to your daughter. If she continues, report her for harassment to the police. Tell your husband you’re cutting all contact with her and if he has a problem with that then you will have to reassess your relationship because his sister is confusing and manipulating your 5 year old child in an attempt to alienate her from her own mother. That’s not a healthy or safe person to have around your children. If he can’t step up and protect his child and his wife from his lunatic sister, then he’s also unsafe.

it’s post through the letter box like letters

She is doing all of this in order to get to you. She's using your daughter's innocence in a manipulative and twisted way. She is harming your daughter who must be very confused. I would put in firmer boundaries : nc between auntie and daughter in order to protect her.

^ this. In spades

Re name her to your Dd, Nutty Auntie xx Seeing she's renamed herself as mummy number 2
I'd cut all contact too, and have some serious words with your Dh, he needs to protect his child from her.

This sounds like yet another DH problem.

SIL is fucking batshit. She’s too toxic for you or DD to spend time with. If DH wants to see her he goes alone.

No handing over the post addressed to DD.

You really need to get DH onside here.

Why would he do that.

The woman is a complete bunny boiler by your description. He needs to sign up to removing her from your circle.

Good grief, don’t put up with this crap from him.

She sounds manipulative and dangerous. DH really needs to step up his support game. Her behaviour is completely unacceptable

Tell your husband that the post isn't to be passed on until you've seen and approved it first, she sounds like a weirdo.

While it sounds crazy I don’t know that I agree about not giving her post- I think in ten years time you will have an extremely bitter teen who won’t know the background and will think her mum was stopping her aunt from being in contact. I do get why sil said for you not to go though- you’re nc with her and her brother should get to see her no matter how she’s acting

She’s using your dd to abuse you which is abusive in itself. Your h needs to wake up and protect dd from this post. She’s not going it because she loves dd, she’s trying to maintain control.