Sister-in-law and my daughter

[OliviaLancs]

Sister-in-law over the years has been down right rude and disrespectful to me. When I saw her last, I told DH that I would no longer put up with her comments for the sake of anybody and I was fed up of feeling like we all have to walk on eggshells around her.

Since I’ve put in place boundaries and have grey rocked her, she has gone OTT with my DD (5). She told DD that she was also her mother - I was number 1 and she was number 2. I didn’t know anything about it until Mother’s Day when DD had innocently asked if she needed to buy Aunty X a gift as she was her mummy.

DH then gave sister in law unsupervised Face Time contact and she had commented on it being better if mummy didn’t travel with her and DH to see the rest of DHs family. This was parroted back from DD when she says she didn’t want me to go.

Ive had enough and DH, after another heated discussion about her, FINALLY understands why I feel the way I do and understands my boundaries and the reasons why. I’ve made it very clear she is not having any future unsupervised access.

DD is now receiving lots of post from SIL with photos of SIL telling her how she can’t wait for her to visit, how proud she is of her and all sorts of things which quite honestly are the things only a mother would say.

We live a good few hours from her so I’ve gone 10 months now with no contact etc. I know some will say how nice to have such a caring Aunt etc but it’s caused so many problems and I feel like she’s just doing all of this because she knows it will annoy me.

I don’t know what else to do as I don’t like the way she is trying to act like a second parent to my daughter.

Nice bit of bashing the childless/childfree.

I used to look after my DN all the time, she was at my house two night a week at one time. I am very close to all my nieces and nephews which I am very happy about, but there’s no way I would ever even imply I’m on the same level as their mum. Because I’m not. It’s a totally different relationship and it’s special in its own way. She definitely sounds like a weirdo, so I wouldn’t budge one NC. I’d also not be happy with your husband for not respecting your wish after all this weird behaviour.

This is weird and sinister. I'm an Aunt, and even though my nieces and nephews turn to me for things they would have otherwise asked their mum, since my sisters died, I have never and would never act like their mum, never mind suggesting I'm referred to as such. Her actions are making my skin crawl so can't imagine how uncomfortable you're feeling.

Your SIL is clearly deranged!

After she told your DD that she was also her mummy, that would have been the last contact that DD would have had with her, including binning all letters.

It's almost creepy grooming-like behaviour!!

@OliviaLancs

Mark anything you catch in the post as 'return to sender' or just continue to bin it. Have a serious discussion with your DH about doing the same. If he says he won't, then tell him that you BOTH need to read it beforehand and decide together whether or not DD should see it and have it read to her (assuming her reading level is such that she can't read them herself).

Am I right in that DH agreed to no unsupervised FaceTiming? If he understands and agrees to that, I don't get why he can't understand that 'unsupervised' letters are pretty much the same thing.

Do you have plans for what you'll do when DH decides to take DD to see his family and SiL will be there, too?

What she is doing is called "triangulation" and is typical behaviour of people who like to create drama and chaos.

They deliberately do things that they know will cause conflict, even if they are not there to witness it directly.

It's horrible, toxic behaviour.

If it were me in your situation, I would pay SIL a visit and tell her in no uncertain terms to stay away you and your daughter. Yes, she will probably relish the drama of this, but it will put her on clear notice that you will not tolerate her behaviour.

Then cut her dead, cut her out, and protect yourself and your family unit like a lioness.

If your DH doesn't get on board with your boundaries, then he can go straight to the doghouse.

NC was one of the final straws after the better bunny doesn’t come comment.

Yes, I do believe it is all very carefully thought through and she knows what she’s doing.

DH, I think, finally gets it after I had a complete breakdown mid week after MIL came to stay for a few days and more or less made me feel like it was all in my head and overreacting. She wanted to know why we weren’t going for Christmas so the new me thought I’m going to be honest. I’m now the villain!

At the time the problem was DH thought I was over reacting over the comment as DD had repeated what she had said and we didn’t actually hear her say it. He said he would call his sister, but the way he handled it at the time it felt like it didn’t matter what his sister says in response as it would all be back on me as an over reaction.

However, he does now get it and understands after this week after his mum had gone home after visiting. I was angry with his mum who basically made me feel like I was causing trouble between her children. I said to her if she couldn’t understand why I found it so unacceptable re the mum comment and other comments that had been made then there was nothing else up say.

They want you to shut up and put up because it's easier for them! Addressing SIL behaviour with someone who acts like she does is tedious and very hard work so they are trying to guilt you into putting up with it to make their lives easier. Definitely don't do that.
You need to see about getting apps that record everything happening on these calls and not telling SILm
You also need to speak to your H and have some very clear rules for dealing with his sister. why is a 5 year old just being handed post? Why is she being left unattended on the phone with someone he knows has a history of hating her mother? Why is he not supporting you without you fighting for it?
My SIL used to call my DD her baby. She was desperate for a little girl and projected those feelings on my daughter but the difference is that she only had good intentions. She would never do anything that might hurt my daughter like using her as a weapon or me and she is a safe place for my daughter now. Your SIL is not.

No unsupervised contact includes letters. Get DH on board that letters get put in a certain place where you can read and discuss them together.

My SIL will call my daughter her daughter if they are together. I think that's more a cultural thing though. My DH had DD call his mother and her sisters all their name for grandmother.

It's really difficult to get people to see what someone like this is. People on here get it but other people won't. The biggest problem is DH but at least he appears to be seeing it now. To truly be supportive he should already be thinking himself not to take DD or to not go himself to make it clear he sees what's going on. He should be telling her that she's overstepping.

The mum comment alone would have made me pretty mad.
But if she had then said sorry I didn't mean it to be weird or confusing. Then you could have moved on.
It is such a strange thing to say . She is her aunt. What's wrong with that? Why pretend to be mum number 2?.
Her family should have spoken to her and said its crossing a line between friendly aunt and weird family member you have to keep an eye on.
And again far to confusing for your child .

I would tell dd her aunty isn't very well. She is getting confused and saying daft things. No more post off the wacky woman for dd imo. Bin it goes unopened..

This is really weird

Tell him it's going straight in the bin!! Surely he understands how bizarre this is?

I think there is an element of it’s his sister so he doesn’t want to admit there’s a problem here.