Should I have grounded DD?

[didistutter56]

First week back to school this week, and by Friday morning DD (8) is saying she feels sick. It’s a fairly common occurrence in the mornings before school, I’ve always been someone who has some slight nausea in the mornings as well so the general rule has always been that unless there’s actual signs of illness, she has to try and make it into school. DD had stayed at her dads the night before so he let me know, I spoke to DD and she went into school.

By lunchtime I get a call off school saying she’s quite upset saying she still feels unwell, stomach ache, etc. Off I go to pick her up and she’s clearly okay once I’ve got her in the car. I’ve always thought DD is a highly sensitive person (as am I) very big emotions, struggles with loud noises, big crowds and what not. So I chat to her in the car about what’s wrong and after a while she says she’s feeling nervous and worried about her new teacher and being back in school, so we chat about that and how I understand it can be a big change but the only way to work through those feelings is to stay in school and you’ll settle in quicker. She understands but starts crying.

Once home she has her lunch whilst i finish off the work I had to do, and she spends a couple hours with my gardening. After tea I’ve allowed her to play out for a couple of hours.

Her dad dropped round to drop off something he forgot to pack in her bag, saw that she was out and then went ballistic at me on the phone later. How if she was at his house and she had “lied” about being unwell she would have been grounded, that she’s “playing me”, she’ll be pulling this sort of stuff all the time now because she knows she can get away with it and I’m letting her play out because I don’t want to have to deal with her.

I said back that I can’t prove she’s lying, I have no doubt she probably was feeling unwell for the reasons she said and I have no reason to doubt her. And that if I’m grounding her for feeling unwell at school, what’s going to be the punishment when she actually does something serious?

Admittedly I probably am a bit softer with DD, but her Dad shouts at her a lot about things that aren’t that big a deal IMO, if he thinks she’s messing about or even just this week he’s shouted at her in-front of me for taking too long to get in the car and blocking the pavement when people are trying to get past, and being “fussy” about what she wants in her packed lunch.

School have spoken to me about her attendance in previous years, it’s always around 93 or 94%, which they want to be higher, but with her last report she is doing better than the average expected standard in 8/12 of her subjects, and doing as expected in the other 4 and got a glowing report from her teacher.

id love to know how you would have handled this and whether it would be something you would have grounded your child for?

And mine, no phone no Xbox nothing.

I agree with this. It comes from the nervous system, the child feels unsafe. She might be perfectly safe but that's how she feels. People saying to force her in are clueless. That will just teach her to hide her emotions and put herself last. Your ex needs to be a better parent. He sounds like he's too angry.

Her father is causing her anxiety.

Grounding and punishment is overkill but she should not be allowed out with friends nor should school be optional. Nip school refusal in the bud. One day she will need to pass her GCSEs and she can’t do that with a huge catalogue of unnecessary absence.

Sick is sick. DD must understand this. Resting, in bed, not spreading germs to others.

Feedback from others can be helpful. You might not see her manipulating- but others might. You seem to be seeing a lot of your own feelings in her which could be shaping your own reactions to her “illness”. Try seeing her as a person who needs feedback guidance & needs to attend school. Be clear about what illness is, and difference to stress that needs coping strategies to conquer. (And not avoidance)

Take a step back and perhaps be more firm with your definition of sick, and how to treat “illness”. Be sure DD knows the rules - like come home sick, 24/48 hours of confinement so others don’t get her illness and she can recuperate.
Not to be confusing illness with avoidance of something stressful or unpleasant which at primary can’t be that bad that it requires leaving school & the disruption that causes.

Honestly I’m counting down the days until that happens. He works shifts so there’s never any set routine for when he has DD, he can barely get himself up in the mornings let alone her, so I end up ringing her and then she’s in a panic thinking she’ll be late. He gets angry and argumentative with everyone in his life. I’ve tried to say no school days, nope that doesn’t work for him because he works weekends, tried to reduce contact but ultimately DD still wants to see him. Her behaviour is so much more improved when she’s at home with me, there’s very little upset, she spends her days happily painting, drawing, with me or out with her friends, whereas at his it’s constant hours on her iPad. It’s easy for me to try and pass the blame onto him but I really do think his behaviour causes a lot of her anxiety.

You're both wrong tbh.
I think you're right to be sympathetic and talk to your DD about feeling anxious etc, and anxiety in children does often cause genuine stomach upset so it's not right to say she's lying about not feeling well.
It's also hard to refuse to pick your child up when school call you to come and get them.
But I wouldn't have let her out to play either because she has to learn if she's not well enough for school she's not well enough to be out playing.
What you should be doing is working with the school to improve her attendance, so making them aware and asking them to wait a few hours and see how she is before calling you. Maybe there are other things they could do to help too like letting her sit somewhere quiet for a little while if she's feeling overwhelmed

Thank you. I’ve had another chat with her this morning and told her I’m always here at the end of the school day to speak to her about any of her worries. I’ve also messaged her teacher so I can have a chat with him on Monday about how she can be supported through any anxiety she might have and feel better about staying in school.

I do agree with you. I’ve messaged her teacher so i can have a chat with him on Monday about how they might be able to support her through her worries so she doesn’t end up coming home.

I think there is quite a lot going on here. Your daughter sounds like she maybe suffering from anxiety. It’s normal to be nervous in new classroom/ surroundings. It’s common for children to complain of abdo pain as a physical symptom of anxiety. I don’t think she is deliberately conning you to get out of school.
Her father sounds like an intolerant shit. Shouting at her and you. That can’t be helping her anxiety. He has no right to talk to either of you in that manner. I would be addressing him regarding his attitude.
I would also talk to the school about support for your daughter before anxiety gets a real grip and spirals into other areas of her life. I would ask for a review from the schools SENCO. Hope that helps.

Your ex husband is an extra cause for anxiety. Can you suggest less or no contact for a could of weeks whilst she is settling in the new school year?

what would have been the afternoon subjects ? Could that have been the final straw for her? Was it P.E? A group activity or drama ? Something where she would have felt exposed performing in front of the class.

I would not have punished a child for having anxiety. Anxiety is an illness

It's tricky, but whether her feeling sick is physical or psychological it's still real to her. I wouldn't punish a child because they're unwell regardless of the root cause.

I'd speak to school and agree a plan if this happens again. If she says she feels sick but with no other physical symptoms then they could try and give her quiet time, tell her they will check back in 15 minutes, a phone call directly with you so she can speak to you etc etc. Sounds like the cause is anxiety.

I would not have punished a child for having anxiety. Anxiety is an illness

Yes. Not to be confused with feelings of anxiety in new or stressful situations which are difficult to deal with but entirely normal. Kids need to learn the difference and learn how to cope with the normal side of anxiety. Only the OP knows which one it is more likely to be, in this case.

we don’t need to label everything.

I would not have punished a child for having anxiety. Anxiety is an illness

Anxiety is also a normal human emotion. It's normal (and even healthy) to be anxious about new situations - like a new school year, making new friends etc.

I say that as someone who is diagnosed with anxiety, by the way. There's a huge difference between feeling a bit anxious and having anxiety. A huge difference. If OP's daughter has anxiety (and she may well do) then she needs support to help her with that, but that doesn't necessarily mean being able to come home early from school and then going out to play with friends.

There's a middle ground between "yes play out" and "you're grounded for lying". I think you were 95% there with how you dealt with it, showing care and understanding. But the answer to playing out should have been no as she was sent home from school. That's a message she should hear loud and clear that coming home from school doesn't equal fun time.

Too ill for school- too ill to go and play

Personally I think you’re handling it just right. Support her and she’ll likely grow in confidence knowing she can fully trust you to have her back on issues she faces.

I wouldn’t have allowed her to play out. If you come home from school early because your unwell your not well enough to play out. Even given the reasons she gave I still wouldn’t have allowed her to play out.

She might well have been emotional and disruptive but we don't need to protect our children from learning how to manage big feelings. It's a normal part of growing up.

I'm inclined to say that once I had her home I'd have kept her there. And if I knew she wasn't ill, I would have let her carry on as normal. However, I would have been clear that i eould be talking to school about her concerns and really really crystal clear that it was a one off and that I am choosing to cut her some slack on this occasion and it won't be a recurrent theme.

Imo her attendance needs to increase as well or you will end up on a slippery slope to school avoidance.

What the OP describes is a child that is used to getting her own way.

I agree, too ill to be in school then too ill to be doing fun stuff. This will turn out to be the adult who is signed off sick but going around town and holidays.

If she is nervous about going to school then speaking to her and reassuring her about her fears would be the way to go. Don't let her learn that she has an option to not go to school whenever she feels like this.

I think you handled the situation perfectly OP. You discovered that anxiety was making her feel physically ill - nausea and stomach aches are very commonly caused by anxiety. This is more serious than merely feeling anxious.

You then reassured her, took her home and ensured she did relaxing activities to destress and reduce her anxiety levels.

The posters advising that she should have been made to stay indoors or in bed with a book, no TV, no garden, no being with mum and not allowed to see friends are basing their advice on physical illness, not a mental condition like anxiety. Following this advice for anxiety won’t help it and can even cause it to worsen as the sufferer will start to obsess over the school day, what they think went wrong, feel guilt over their being unable to cope, then start obsessing on tomorrow and how it will be awful tomorrow in school- they will work themselves up into higher levels of distress and anxiety which will often lead to school refusal or a repeat of coming home early again.

I think it’s good you have contacted the school because they need to be part of the solution to alleviating her anxiety in school.

@LoremIpsumCici if the situation was being handled perfectly the daughter's attendance wouldn't be as low as it is, it is far from "perfect" that she is missing out on so much education, whatever the cause. Something isn't going well here.

Have you read any of my other posts? If my daughter’s attendance was just 1% higher, that would be classed as “normal”. She’s ahead of most of her class and the average expectancy at her age in 2/3 of her subjects. Would the extra 2 days a year really make that much difference? Do no other child’s do anything educational outside of school, or is school the only place they can learn?

Of course I want her attendance to be higher but I’m not going to dramatise it the way schools do. But that’s because they don’t get as much funding if attendance is down, right? And according to the national average, we’re actually doing better than that too because it’s only 92.6%! People going on about how she’ll struggle in GCSE year like that isn’t double her current lifespan away.

Theres a huge amount of homeschooled kids who don’t do anywhere near as many hours as children is school do who are doing just fine. My nephew goes to a school at almost 5 where he’s still only doing 4 half days a week and he’s bright as a button and bi-lingual. Attendance really isn’t everything, I’m also trying to raise a happy, well supported child.

I've not read the full thread. Sounds like anxiety which I would consider a genuine illness. You can't punish her for that. But equally you can't not do anything you need to be speaking to the school and working out how to help dd feel better about attending.

I was similar to your dd. Turned out I was autistic. I was punished for slicing school as my parents saw it when I had debilitating anxiety. Eventually I suffered burn out completely unable to attend school for over a year and had a few suicide attempts.

My own dd is the same. I think she's autistic too although undiagnosed. When she's got tummy ache and wants out of school I let her stay home. I insist she did work at home and I wouldn't have let her go out as I do agree it could easily be taken advantage off. I spoke to school and they did agree she's probably autistic but she's academically doing well and well behaved and they just don't have anything they can do to support her. So now I home educate. She's had a complete personality change as school was doing so much damage to her. She's confident with others and sociable where she never was when at school.

I know people always say have you considered neurodiversity and it's said too much. Regardless I think it's clear your dd has anxiety and that needs support not just penalties for her struggles