Wedding dilemma

[Wotsitsname]

I’m sorry as there have probably been multiple similar threads previously.

My sister asked her best friend to be her MOH and she declined as she lives far away and doesn’t like to be the centre of attention. She then asked another not particularly close friend who said yes and asked me to be the “wedding planner”.

I feel very upset that she would choose someone else over me (best friend I would have understood) as I am often going out of my way to help her and her family, such efforts which are never reciprocated. I am even more angry that she would ask someone else to walk down the aisle with her while I beaver away behind the scenes doing all the hard work.

I really gave her what for. Am I being unreasonable? I feel bad now.

I don't think I'd have given her what for. But it's done now. You could just decline, surely.

Why can’t the lazy cow do her own wedding planning? She and the MOH can do it. I would be turning up as a guest

I'm assuming you said: "No, the person who is your MOH should be doing that. Or you and your partner. I am neither your MOH or your partner."

Incredibly rude to ask you to do the leg work, but not include you. I'd be really hurt.

I didn't realise assigning wedding planning to someone other than a professional you paid was a thing, seems a bit unreasonable to me, it's a paid job for a reason, or the bride does it to save money surely. I don't think you handled it right by having a go at her, I would apologise for your attitude but decline the offer of being the wedding planner.

You can decline the wedding planning, it’s not compulsory to accept.

I understand it’s hurtful… Sadly I wouldn’t ask my sister to be MOH either there are reasons I have for that, even though we get along and love each other. I would want a friend to do it - even if best friend isn’t available. She is a very different personality to me, and I personally couldn’t cope with that in the lead up to a wedding. She’s totally awesome though, and it’s not a crime to leave a family member out (as long as it’s not the only one!).

Do you think she’s doing it on purpose, is there a backstory?

PS I do think it’s cheeky to ask someone to do the wedding planning, unless they have offered.

In my circle / culture, it’s the couple who organises everything, with occasional help from parents and siblings. It definitely doesn’t get handed off to other wedding members or guests.

I'd decline the role as wedding planner.

That's done by the couple themselves (and perhaps parents if that's their tradition) or a paid planner.

You don't want to end up carrying the can if something goes weird/wrong.

Just say you'd be delighted to attend as a guest, but cannot commit to any part of planning/arranging

She is incredibly disorganised I often have to sort things out for her. I even clean her house when I go to visit. I suspect that is why she asked me. Despite the fact I work full time and she doesn’t work.

When I say I gave her what for I mean I told her the planning is a job for the bride and MOH and I can’t be expected to do all the hard work whilst they waltz down the isle in pretty dresses. I said it was hurtful that she asked me to do that and gave a special role to someone that she barely sees.

Giving her what for is unforgivable IMO and probably why she didn't ask you if you have form for losing it with your friends.

She’s not my friend, she’s my sister. My only sister.

Also she probably doesn't deserve the nasty posters calling her a lazy cow etc for giving you the wedding planning job, I assume it was to give you some sort of role as she knew you'd have a problem with not being MOH. Honestly asking are you often dramatic or entitled? If so maybe she doesn't want that energy around her big day.

I reluctantly asked my sister to be MOH because she basically forced me into it. It went spectacularly wrong, she didn't end up coming to my wedding at all and we don't speak or see each other at all.

Leave it now, it won't end well. Let her get on with it and attend as a guest and wish her well.

Yabu. It's her wedding and you can decline being a wedding planner for her.

You don't get to decide what she does. You get to decide what "you do"

Probably worse in that case. I'd just leave it and let her be happy rather than upsetting her about her wedding.

Say no. You've got too much on. Busy busy busy. She can naff off

And your sister’s response was?

I would just confirm with her that you will not be the designated wedding planner (in case she thought you weren't serious/will have changed your mind once you have calmed down). Go as a guest, and enjoy yourself.

I even clean her house when I go to visit. I suspect that is why she asked me. Despite the fact I work full time and she doesn’t work.

Why do you do this? Has it maybe contributed to her thinking of you as a household appliance. Just stop. You really don't have to do this kind of thing for another adult.

I have a sister who seems to think the fact she's my sister is enough to cut through anything. Fact is, she left home when I was nine years old, so I spent most of my childhood without her. As an adult, she's behaved appallingly towards me (and to all her friends, the likes of which she's gone through at the rate of knots), which is why I avoid all contact with her as much as I can.

But at the end of it, she trots out the line about us being family...I've told her repeatedly that we share the same parents and a few years of vague memories (bearing in mind she is eight years older than me and was always out & about with friends of her own age long before she left home), but even though we have known each other a long time, we don't know each other well. I hold back on telling her that what I do know about her I don't like. But always, she thinks the biological tie we have is enough to trump anything else. It really, really isn't.

I do sometimes wonder where do people like this find their partners.

What is attractive about a grown adult who doesn’t work and has her sister doing her cleaning for her…

Unless she is ill, I don’t see how adults like this function in society.

No im not usually dramatic or entitled. She is someone that I have bent over backwards for on many many occasions putting her and her children’s needs over and above my own. Cleaning her house top to bottom and leaving her flowers instead of spending time with my own family. I am hurt that she would chose someone she barely sees over someone who does so much for her.. I have reflected on it though and have realised that I do too much for others and that is why I end up feeling unappreciated perhaps. I should say no more often then it wouldn’t have hurt so much.

YANBU. People should stick up for themselves when they’re being taken for granted and treated unkindly, and that’s all you did.

Does she ask you to clean her house?

Why do you do so much for her and her children? Is she unwell?

It could be that she has become entitled and thinks you’re there to sort her life out and organise things for her. Pull back. Stop cleaning her house. Go back to spending time with your own family. Don’t do her any favours if she’s not considerate to you, or if she can’t run her life properly for you.

There’s a difference between helping someone and doing everything for them.

Well done you!

no you didn’t give her hell for choosing someone else to be her MOH, you gave her hell for being a complete cheeky fucker asking you to do the grunt work while she gives the ‘place beside her’ role to someone else!

like you said, the MOH does the grunt work - that’s the role. If she’s chosen someone she doesn’t feel will do that bit for her, well she’s not going to have such a good wedding is she.