Wedding dilemma

[Wotsitsname]

I’m sorry as there have probably been multiple similar threads previously.

My sister asked her best friend to be her MOH and she declined as she lives far away and doesn’t like to be the centre of attention. She then asked another not particularly close friend who said yes and asked me to be the “wedding planner”.

I feel very upset that she would choose someone else over me (best friend I would have understood) as I am often going out of my way to help her and her family, such efforts which are never reciprocated. I am even more angry that she would ask someone else to walk down the aisle with her while I beaver away behind the scenes doing all the hard work.

I really gave her what for. Am I being unreasonable? I feel bad now.

I agree with you absolutely but this isn’t the case. I have done more for her than anyone ever has. That’s why it was a hard pill to swallow.

If you're too lazy to plan your own wedding you pay a professional to do it.

She can choose whoever she likes as her maid of honour though.

No but it gets so bad that her toilet gets blocked and bath full of rubbish, mould on the walls because the windows are not opened and it’s absolutely filthy. I feel sorry for her children so I just do it now before it gets like that to keep on top of it. I mostly do it in little bits when I visit but when she goes on holiday I do it top to bottom and leave flowers, often at the expense of a Sunday with my family.

I wouldn't do that again if I were you.

That seems like a ridiculous level of caring for someone else's house when you're not being paid for it. Did she even thank you or acknowledge it?

Where is her partner in this dynamic? I'd find it really odd if my SIL cleaned our house when I was away.

Are you the older sister who has always come to her rescue? Do you see her as not able to adult on her own despite having her own life and children?

Whatever the reason your efforts clearly aren't appreciated or reciprocated so take some huge steps back and leave them to it.

Yes I am the older sister. I do it for the children . No, she has never thanked me. It’s not in my nature to watch the kids suffer in those conditions.

Her partner is equally lazy/disorganised.

They are both the youngest children in their family actually and inherited wealth so haven’t had to work for anything.

Well at least this has been an eye opener.

I won’t be running around for them anymore.

Stop. Just stop.

Let her live in filth and plan her own wedding.

Tell her you can't take that on and you look forward to just being a guest.

Quietly stand up for yourself.

I think you need to be calling social services rather than clean for her....

In that case I really do apologise for being a bit of a hormonal cow to you in my last post. I was projecting a bit from my own wedding with a similar experience but it sounds very different now you have explained. Regardless I do think her giving you the wedding planning role is disingenuous and just her way to look like she's included you, so tell her no way with that.

This

Just tell her somewhat passive aggressively that the MOH should be helping her plan the wedding.

Instead of doing her cleaning I would be very tempted to call in the social services.

Why do they live like this. Are drugs/alcohol involved? Mental health issues?

If they have inherited wealth why don't they employ a cleaner?

I wouldn't have read the riot act I would just say that I wasn't able to help. I suspect the best friend knows her well enough that being MOH and all that it entails these days is a poisoned chalice.

Why can't she organise it herself or pay someone?

I think this is a good thing, if it has opened your eyes.

You have been doing far too much for her for little to no thanks or appreciation. She has just shown you what she thinks of you and everything you have done for her, it's time to stop and concentrate on you and yours.

I also agree with others, whatever is going on in that house that between her and her partner it's turning into a disgusting pit if you do not clean it, you need to get other services involved.

You're overstepping letting yourself into her house while she's away and cleaning it, and she's never asked you to, or said thank you. To me that speaks volumes. She's doesn't like that you do that or she would say thank you. If you have form for overstepping she has probably made her bridesmaid choice based on that.

This sounds a bit like my friend everyone runs round enabling her because she's not capable for some reason.

I wouldn't do the moh duties without the title. She obviously recognises she will put on the person a lot and her friend probably won't accept it

Stick to your guns

Well you could have just said no

You need to stop cleaning her house.
You are behaving like her mother not her sister.
Your intentions are good but not asked for.
Her mess (in all of her life) is hers. You are being a sticky plaster which will not be thanked and will lead her to think you are judging her and stop her sorting her own stuff out - she doesn't need to because you'll do it for her.

It's not a thing asking someone to be your wedding planner!! You plan your own wedding!

and will lead her to think you are judging her and stop her sorting her own stuff out

She is judging, and so am I. I don't understand how anyone can live like this unless there are psychological or physical reasons why they can't keep on top of things - ND, poor mental health etc.

I try not to judge tbh and wouldn’t report her as I don’t like to kick someone when they are down, also I’m pretty sure social services don’t interfere in situations where a house is dirty. We had a terrible childhood and this can affect people in different ways. But yes I guess I do act more like a mother as we don’t have one. I don’t know exactly why but she has never been able to ‘adult’ properly despite having her own children. She neglects her house and physical health completely and is incapable of doing anything unless it is at the absolutely last minute and has missed out on school places/not registered with doctors/dentists etc. I don’t really know why or what she does all day.

I guess this has gone off topic as originally I wasn’t sure whether I had been out of line to be hurt by her actions.

I think I realise I overdo things for others all the time and should try to focus on myself more and therefore not feel undervalued so much. Thank you for all the comments/advice

@Wotsitsname TBH it sounds like she really does need professional intervention rather than you doing things for her.

I wouldn't be surprised if the school has noticed and already started the ball rolling.

should try to focus on myself more and therefore not feel undervalued so much.

That sounds like a great insight. Your value isn't in how others see you.

And yes, yanbu to be hurt.

It's possible she resents your help.

She may not like you cleaning her house without asking or being asked to. It may make her feel that you judge her all the time.

It is interesting that she clearly actively didn't want you to be MoH for some reason but a bit cheeky in that case for her to ask you to plan the wedding.

Does your sister even notice the cleaning you've done? They're well off, I'd encourage them to hire a cleaner.