To ask partners daughter to research costs of owning a horse?

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My partners almost 16 year old daughter is horse mad. She has been having riding lessons the last couple of years and in spring this year, I found her a part loan. It costs the same as her weekly 30 minute riding lesson and she gets 3 days a week to ride and treat the pony like her own. She loves being able to do shows and clinics and has started hunting too. Her riding and confidence has come on in leaps and bounds and she constantly asks for her own horse.

However, I discovered a couple of weeks ago that she is taking the Mickey a bit with her dad and getting him to do all the yard work, bring the horse in, groom, tack up etc and she just rides and hands it back to sort when she has finished. I only know this as I took her recently as she was having some schooling issues she wanted help with and she asked me to basically be her groom, because dad does it. I didn't, as she is very capable at almost 16 and she did everything herself and all was good.

Anyway, I have a loan horse elsewhere and am in the market to buy my own now time and finances allow. It makes perfect sense to buy one between me and her dad and she can have her own horse. Her absolute dream! We discussed it yesterday and are thinking February next year to start looking but we haven't told her yet.

Now, my AIBU. I will obviously speak to her dad first but he will completely be OK with it but wanted to gauge some opinions of how far I can go. I will caveat this by saying there is no mum on the scene as she died a few years ago. I have been around for 4 years and we are currently house hunting and daughter is very happy to have me around.

She doesn't know the plans to buy the horse yet but I want to talk to her about it and ask her to do some research into horse ownership, such as cost of different types of livery and what she would need to do on each, cost of farrier, dentist, insurance, hay feed etc. I would also like her to research how often and why horses need a farrier and dentist and a couple of other really important health issues and how to watch out for and manage. I can teach her as much as she needs to know but I feel I want to know that she is fully aware and completely knows the costs, time and things that can go wrong and that she cant just turn up and ride.

Horse ownership is a massive undertaking financially and emotionally and I want her to appreciate it and help.

The other option is I just buy my own and she can ride it occasionally but her dad would like to ride to so could be a really nice family activity and a brilliant opportunity to teach her some good life and financial lessons (she is quite spoilt but a very bright and switched on young woman).

AIBU to ask her to provide me with the above information before we consider buying her a horse?

Frankly, if she isn't prepared to do her own yard work etc, then no, I don't think she should have a horse.

I've owned horses all my life and compete in eventing and showing at a reasonably high level, and 85% of the work is done on the ground: that's how you build a relationship with your horse.

If she's not mature enough to appreciate that and just wants to ride, then she stays at a riding school, where other people will do the hard graft for her.

You don't want her turning into one of those awful American barn princesses who basically just get on then throw the reins at a groom.

Sounds like a really sensible idea which she can gain useful life skills from

Honestly, my priority would be on getting her to do the yard work rather than googling and getting conflicting information about farriers.

Putting together an excel spreadsheet of the costs is straightforward but does she actually under finances? Does she have an allowance and have to budget herself anyway to really appreciate and understand what things cost.

My childhood was spent learning about the things you have listed by doing the yard duties, chatting to the farrier whilst he shod my horses, helping with the hay deliveries, being present when the vet attended and all of those things.

In my experience yard duties and being present for everything, which comes with having your own horse, is the lesson and not how much is a bale of hay.

She needs to start looking after her loan before any of this.

You might want to think about what will happen in 2 years if she goes to Uni. My friend had a loan/share horse that “belonged” to a girl at uni who never rode it, and then moved somewhere unsuitable for a horse post-uni. From her parents perspective it must have been a massive waste of money because they paid for a horse their daughter basically never rode.

YANBU
But she’s not putting the hard work in that comes with it is she? Just the fun parts. I don’t think she’s ready 🤷🏼‍♀️

I think you're focusing on the wrong thing. She doesn't need to concern herself with money, she needs to grow up and learn to take responsibility. She sounds far too immature at the moment. She needs to firstly do the yard work and accept it as her responsibility. I can foresee that she'll dump the work on you/her dad down the line if you buy a joint horse. I still remember money being a mysterious and confusing thing at that age.

At 16 she's only likely to have a year or two at home before she moves away and starts living her own life. So I wouldn't be buying her own horse,I wouldn't want her sacrificing potential future plans as she wants to stay close by for the horse.

She also doesn't sound responsible enough for the practicalities of it, maybe if she did a few more hours at the stables helping to care for the school ponies.

Surely she needs to prove she can manage a horse first?
She sounds spoilt...

She will do yard work. Thats a converstaion I need to have with her dad. He panders to her and does as he's told so he needs to learn to say no to her.

He dropped her at the yard last week and she got her horse ready for hunting alone, including plaiting up etc and that sorted her once returned. Dad just picked her up so she can and will do it, when the option of a groom is removed and it will absolutely be a dealbreaker if she cant show she can.
Winter will be a shock for her which will either make or break her.

This.

She hasn't earned the right to own a horse and it could become a problem.

She is, and this is why I want to step in and set some serious boundaries.

So use your funds to buy yourself a horse.. Dh can buy his dd one. Then when she doesn't manage it he can.

This is a recipe for disaster. You, dad and SD will clash at a time when you need to be working out how to move in and then live together peaceably.

Just buy your own horse and let her and dad work out the care of her part loaned horse. If he chooses to spoil her that is his parenting decision and doesn’t impact you.

Otherwise I guarantee you’ll be back here moaning and to be honest it’s all foreseeable and avoidable.

I agree.

What would happen if you bought a horse, had them on DIY and then had an accident or were otherwise unable to care for them? Would she take over or just let them rot?

You aren’t her parent. You can’t set those kind of boundaries.

Sorry if I'm being dim (I'm not a horsey person) but surely the answer is that you and your husband buy the horse as "your horse" and she can share/ride as long as she does her share of the practical care?

Or is it that you think if your husband is part owner that he will let her ride and carry on doing the dross? If so you've got a DH problem as you can't really stop him indulging her if that's what he's minded to do and if it's his horse too. You'd have more control over the situation if it was just your horse, no?

I agree with other posters who say looking at the finances isn't the approach, it's the practical responsibility you need to get her focused on. Even if she "understands" that there are monetary costs of owning a horse, a 16 year old is not going to be budgeting or funding those anyway. She's perfectly capable of mucking out though!

The same as if I had my own and was out of action I guess?

Honestly - I wouldn't do it. So many potential issues if the horse is officially half hers that could end really nastily considering the already slightly fraught with difficulties relationship between a 16yo and a 'step-mother' figure. I honestly think her understanding of the costs is the tip of iceberg, very few 16yos really have a mature understanding of finances and the impact on the family of supporting them in this way (or if they do they can lack the emotional maturity to act accordingly). What happens if you and she disagree on more than finances, I think it's fully to be expected she'll have to be chivvied to do her fair share of care (if she's already getting her Dad to do a lot of the graft it's likely she'll also start leaning on you, after all it's your horse too). What happens if/when horse is sick or lame, what happens if/when she goes off to college or uni and wants/needs to sell the horse, what happens if you both want to go to a show or other outing at the same time, what if you disagree on the type of horse you want (one of you wants a competition type the other needs a safe confidence giver). What happens if one of you wants to ride much more or less than the other. What if (heaven forbid) you and her Dad break up. So many possibilities for you and her Dad to be put into really awkward situations and for your partner to feel like he's being made to arbitrate between his partner and daughter which frankly is the last thing you need in trying to parent a bereaved teen.

I think it would be much better if the horse that is bought is quite clearly and explicitly yours and paid for entirely by you, and any riding of the horse by DD (whether just as a favour or in a exchange for chores) is negotiable between you and her and you can make that conditional on whatever you like. DD should keep her share horse and that way you can ride together sometimes and share costs of outings etc as well and perhaps if her dad learns they can ride together too. I think that way is much clearer and fairer to everyone...

She’s 16 , at this age I just wouldn’t bother I’d leave her with her part loan and just get something for yourself which you allow her to ride occasionally . Aside from farrier and dentist the rest ( livery , insurance , rugs , tack etc) is a case of how long is a piece of string as they can vary massively depending on where you keep the horse , what you are doing with horse and how much work you want to do .

I wouldn't unless she's totally committed. Also, where are you that she's hunting?

Thank you for all the comments.

It does appear to be a stupid idea and so I will continue with my plans to buy my own.

She went on hound exercise. We are midlands

“Frankly, if she isn't prepared to do her own yard work etc, then no, I don't think she should have a horse.”

First post nailed it. Before I even consider buying a horse, I’d want to her see her more responsible oh Edith her horse care duties now, otherwise you’ll have two horse to look after.

This was my point, I wanted her to know the different types of livery and their costs, so pay for DIY and its nice and cheap but you do it all yourself or pay for part and full and get more time to ride.