To ask partners daughter to research costs of owning a horse?

[UpUpUpU]

My partners almost 16 year old daughter is horse mad. She has been having riding lessons the last couple of years and in spring this year, I found her a part loan. It costs the same as her weekly 30 minute riding lesson and she gets 3 days a week to ride and treat the pony like her own. She loves being able to do shows and clinics and has started hunting too. Her riding and confidence has come on in leaps and bounds and she constantly asks for her own horse.

However, I discovered a couple of weeks ago that she is taking the Mickey a bit with her dad and getting him to do all the yard work, bring the horse in, groom, tack up etc and she just rides and hands it back to sort when she has finished. I only know this as I took her recently as she was having some schooling issues she wanted help with and she asked me to basically be her groom, because dad does it. I didn't, as she is very capable at almost 16 and she did everything herself and all was good.

Anyway, I have a loan horse elsewhere and am in the market to buy my own now time and finances allow. It makes perfect sense to buy one between me and her dad and she can have her own horse. Her absolute dream! We discussed it yesterday and are thinking February next year to start looking but we haven't told her yet.

Now, my AIBU. I will obviously speak to her dad first but he will completely be OK with it but wanted to gauge some opinions of how far I can go. I will caveat this by saying there is no mum on the scene as she died a few years ago. I have been around for 4 years and we are currently house hunting and daughter is very happy to have me around.

She doesn't know the plans to buy the horse yet but I want to talk to her about it and ask her to do some research into horse ownership, such as cost of different types of livery and what she would need to do on each, cost of farrier, dentist, insurance, hay feed etc. I would also like her to research how often and why horses need a farrier and dentist and a couple of other really important health issues and how to watch out for and manage. I can teach her as much as she needs to know but I feel I want to know that she is fully aware and completely knows the costs, time and things that can go wrong and that she cant just turn up and ride.

Horse ownership is a massive undertaking financially and emotionally and I want her to appreciate it and help.

The other option is I just buy my own and she can ride it occasionally but her dad would like to ride to so could be a really nice family activity and a brilliant opportunity to teach her some good life and financial lessons (she is quite spoilt but a very bright and switched on young woman).

AIBU to ask her to provide me with the above information before we consider buying her a horse?

People are focusing too much on the lack of doing yard duties. She is very capable of them, just doesn't do then as Dad is to soft and does it for her (which he enjoys as he is horsey too). So I am not worried about that part at all.

she knows if she doesn't pull her weight she doesn't get to ride.

So she’s just starting year 11? This is going to be a massive year for school. I know several kids who cut back significantly on out of school activities in year 11 to focus on school work - including one who went from riding 3 or 4 times a week to once.

then you’ve got 2 more years before she’s 18 and potentially moving away. And if you throw in A levels and the same thing happening again in year 13, are you going to be the evil step mother who expects her to put the horse commitment first when her dad is backing her that she needs to study?

if you want to buy a horse for you and you let her ride it sometimes, great, but it’s your commitment not hers. She may agree to help you out, but the responsibility and work is entirely yours. If she was an adult, that would be different. So it’s only you (and your dh) who needs to know the full extent of the time and money commitment as you are the adults who are taking that on.

I strongly believe children should not own animals (including part owning), and it is owners of animals who are responsible for them.

My definition of "horse mad" means the whole package, not just turning up to ride. I loved just being around them as a teen, and actually really enjoy tack cleaning.

Good luck with your own horse plans; leave your partner to manage his daughter's boundaries.

This will be my horse too. I will be up there daily taking care of it as my working pattern allows. She would be responsible on the days she wants to ride. She would never be forced into doing anything.

I am now thinking I will buy and she can part loan from me and then she can give it up at any point she wants to.

Cool. I was wondering as we're only just into what used to be called 'cubbing' season. Autumn hound exercise now I think.

Sounds like a plan. Teenagers are not usually reliable enough to take too much responsibility, so getting one for you, mainly, but that she can manage is a really good compromise. Just don't let her leave you with all the work and none of the fun.

Wouldn't bother with getting her to do the research. At her age she's got enough going on with school, exams, social life etc.

Exciting times for you both!

Worth also considering - as well as school work this year, next year if she turns 17 early on in the school year, driving lessons start. These are expensive and linked to that, part time jobs become the norm in most schools for year 12 students.

her free time may become somewhat restricted and horses stop having the same draw. Don’t make any large financial commitments that assumes a 18 year old will have the same free time and interests as a 15 year old.

It doesn't sound like she wants to do the hard work. If she's demonstrating a lack of responsibility for the horse she has access to now, then she's not ready.
I'm presuming money isn't really an issue? It is very expensive but I guess you've factored that in.
My cousin has one in a field and does everything, it still costs her a grand a month. She's a vet though which must bring costs down.
I think you'd better off watching her gain more responsibility to horses you have already at your disposal.
Also, hunting?! Yuck. I certainly don't approve of that.

Sorry if I misunderstood, are you wanting her to contribute financially towards this horse? Or in the future?

I think part loaning to her would be the best thing. I had a loan horse (full loan) from age 15 to 19, and it was great for me. Winter is hard, obviously, cause everything is muddy, everything is wet, it’s dark, it’s cold. I used to hack out alone and chat to the horse the whole way round and tell him my highs and lows. Great therapy!

Just to say my teenager thinks money grows on trees. Its a hard age, and I'm doubtful she'd do any of the research.

Forgot to add- As you probably know, good loans are like gold dust. If it's going well then I personally wouldn't be considering buying at all (lack of help aside)

Sorry, but as someone who has a teenager with multiple pet fixations and who also does zero work to look after her pets, I say no to all of this.
Last time I gave in two years ago after three days of crying before Christmas because dad already promised her a particular pet. The fascination lasted two weeks and I finally gave the bugger away two months ago. I am not even sure she noticed it is gone.
I just don't see how online research is in any way helpful in this situation.

Same. Other than the competing at high level lol.

The VAST majority of horse ownership is shovelling shit and looking after the horse.
Its heavy dirty physically hard VERY expensive work.
I'd buy your own and let her ride it ... IF she pulls her weight with the chores.

I thought the point of your post was about her taking the Mickey by not doing yard duties?

See, here's the thing, and I mean this with all kindness and no judgement, you're already a bit irritated by her attitude towards caring and paying for a horse that's nothing to do with you, and by extension you're a bit annoyed with your partner for being too soft on her. This is only going to get worse, possibly much worse, when it's your own horse. As you doubtless know us horse owners can get quite PFH (precious first horse 😂) about our beloved and expensive animals - I quite often have to check myself with picking at the grooms at my yard or going sharers I've had at the past about being careless with the horse or their things (which are often quite expensive also to be flung in puddles or abandoned in the tack room to get borrowed or stolen), and that's with a good degree of emotional separation. If it was my own DD or step-DD I can only imagine how often I'd be raging at them. Most 16 year olds give ample opportunity to wind up their parents TBH and be wound up by them in turn without adding a horse (with associated huge financial and emotional commitment) into the mix, it's really not something to be entered into lightly!

I think your intentions are good but it would be unwise to see this plan through.

16 year olds can be flakey at the best of times and based on the information you have given, it would be folly to expect the level of responsibility from her that is required - regardless of whether she is capable or not.

You buy and then let her part loan from you.

What if she decides to go to uni at 18 and move away? She going to take the horse with her?
Horses are a lot of work, and require hours of care. Think she is in it just for the fun times.

I don't know all the conversations that have taken place, but nothing you have said here indicates she has actually said she wants her own horse. I don't see anything wrong with her just enjoying lessons and not wanting to do all the caretaking, or responsibility for an animal that could live a very long time.

I think this is probably the best option. That way if school work doesn't allow or she loses interest you aren't stuck with another horse to look after.
I'm not sure having her research the finances will be hugely beneficial but I guess it's good to know how much these things cost.
And yes, speak to her dad about doing the jobs for her. My 11 year old does his pony himself.

I think you’re taking the way people are stressing the need to do yard duties in the wrong way - she may be thoroughly capable of doing them but does she have the willingness to do it every day (or every other day if sharing with you) for years?! …or even just 6months?…you need to work out if she has true dedication or just the desire for the fun bit. Additionally your suggestions re finance investigations are worthwhile too - she should absolutely know how much it costs.

Ahhh - just seen your most recent update…. I reckon that is your best course of action too👍

@UpUpUpU but what will it really teach her asking her to find out the prices , anybody can call up a livery yard or two and ask for prices that won’t make them a more responsible human . It is your partner that you need to be having words with because he’s doing her no favours . That said as someone who did their own horses from aged 10 with non horsey ( then) parental supervision I seriously judge children who don’t want to do the actual ‘caring’ .

She is, and this is why I want to step in and set some serious boundaries.

Dad is the problem. Stop trying to parent someone else’s child.

I would ask her to research the cost of owning her own horse, and see if she can find ways to earn (a % of that) so she can contribute to the cost of owning her own. My eldest did this, and schooled horses, did mucking out, grooming, clipping all sorts.

However I will say having more horses = more work when they want a day off !