Spoon feeding DH?

[Glasscabinet]

I’m just ranting really. I can imagine the replies. I’ve spoke to my sister about this and she says I just have to spoon feed DH, that’s just the way he is.

DD is nearly a year old, exclusively breastfed which is 100% my decision but it has meant that a lot of DD care has fallen to me. She also refuses the bottle so until recently we’ve always been joined to the hip.

Tonight I said to DH I was going to go out to the shops for some ‘me time’. Like always he’s always happy to oblige but again, when I’ve got home he’s just watching tele with DD. We had a row last week because he had allowed her to fall asleep on him without dinner/getting her ready for bed so when she woke up she was furious and refused to go back down for hours.

Tonight I got back, no dinner, no bath, not ready for bed. Just both of them happy as Larry watching tele again. It was the same when he’d have her to give me a lie in until I had a meltdown. He now does give her breakfast and gets her dressed but I did have to spell it out to him.

He’s now cooking her dinner and says he’ll get her ready for bed. But it’s bedtime now. Maybe I should have told him to get her ready for bed before I left at 6?

Also, don’t know if I’m being a bit precious but I’m not a huge fan of them watching American cartoons together. We did agree before she was born that she wouldn’t be a screen kid. I only put on a CBeebies for a few minutes on the occasional morning if I just need five minutes to gather myself together. Again, I could just scrap him looking after her all together if I just plonked her in front of the tele.

Sounds like they both happy and you're not. Chil! let it go she will not come to any harm . All is well.

Yanta but he is not a complete one. sometimes i love to chill and not rock the boat with my kids (toddler and baby) im stressed they are being easy and lovely… i can put them to bed late or give them an easy lunch…. I am aware that sometimes this can mean bad futures, wanting same tomorrow, tiredness or hunger, but thats for tomorrows daddy to worry about (he has to deal with a lot!)

You need to stay out longer and he has to deal with the consequences of his choices.

no you shouldn’t have to spoon feed him. He’s a freaking adult. Talk about it again. Write it out. Leave it where it can be seen.

and also realize he will be different with DD, and that’s ok. But she still needs a bed time.

I did that, and I'm 57. I was just playing games where I was in various TV shows. I don't have an American accent now, so I don't really see the problem.

I think you're partly to blame for being 'joined at the hip' for the first year. Sounds like he hasn't had a look in to be fair.

This. Sounds good to me. 🤷‍♀️

Tbh it doesn't sound bad just that you have different parenting styles.

Does it really matter if she's late to bed or she's late to be fed. She obviously wasn't hungry as she'd have been crying, no?

You sound like you're on a knife edge OP with your set in stone routine and I realise that's very common on Mn.

But if you want a happy marriage and a chilled and pleasant family life then you need to let go of the reins a little.

If this sort of thing is leading you to have a "meltdown" (your words) then you need to speak to your GP for help with your anger management.

Yes let’s blame OP for her thoughtless incompetent husband.

Can’t possibly be the man’s fault it must be the womans.

But who teaches women these things?
Why must it be the mother who writes a schedule and puts it on the fridge?
Why don't these men take any of the common sense/mental load work?

i even impose my no tv before 6pm rule on my partner, tough but that’s how I grew up so I get the cartoon thing.
it doesn’t sound irretrievable, they were happy and he went on to fix dinner. I think you ll have to chip away and continue to have the occasional vent….

Tell him you want new no screen time rule.

My DH worked away all week - home late on a Friday and gone again on Sunday afternoon. That was life until DD was 18 months old.

When he was home, and she was 18 months, I left them together for a number of hours. Sunny day, they were out in the garden having great fun.

I get home at 6ish. DD is WILD. I ask what on earth he fed her.

“Fed her?”

”Yes. Food. What did you give her?”

”I didn’t give her food!”

”Did you eat?”

(Red faced) “Yes.”

”Then there’s no excuse.”

I got DD some dinner and she wolfed it down. He was mortified.

The following week I went out for the entire day. Left no instructions, other than to remember that she’s a tiny human and he’s responsible for keeping her alive.

A month later, a weekend.

He worked it out, just like I worked it out.

Now he’s the one doing the bulk of the childcare while I work away.

I’ve no idea why women accept such shitty behaviour from the father of their child.

YABU and YANBU at the same time.

YABU to let the trigger incident for this post irk you enough that you came to Mumsnet. People parent in different way and if you walked back in to a happy baby and husband having a cuddle together then happy days. A few cartoons doesn’t make her a ‘screen baby’. Our son watches TV and has a tablet and has done since he was about 18 months. He’s a bright, well adjusted and very sociable little boy who has a cracking imagination and is really well behaved so a little screen time now and then isn’t going to hurt.

on the other hand… I do understand your frustration about DH not following DD’s routine etc. On that you should both be on the same page.

from your original post you’ve taken on most of the load due to EBF etc and don’t underestimate that your DH has probably been subconsciously shut out of a lot of the routine etc by you - I don’t mean that you’re being mean I just mean you’ve had to do it so he’s not had to learn it. Were not born parents - we have to learn on the job and if he’s not been doing it how has he been learning?

I think a sit down chat just about the routine etc and what the anchor points of the day are might be helpful for him. And do it more - go out. Let him figure it out. You learn by doing and if you do it, say, once a week and leave him to it I bet you find in a month he’ll have it down to a fine art.

That’s how we learnt how to be mums after all!

You need to work as a team not as 2 singular parents

I got a lot more replies than I initially thought. Tbh at the time I just wanted to vent. I knew that DH wasn’t an ogre for watching tv with DD and I came here to vent instead of exploding at him.

After I used Mn to vent, I felt better and later on we had a chat. Honestly DH is a wonderful husband, he pulls his weight around here, but as he said that night, he doesn’t know what he’s doing. For him not having Dd screaming is a result and he’s ashamed that he’s not doing better.

He works extremely hard. He’s out the house a lot, so I guess he doesn’t really see how we do things. If anything, when he’s here I am a lot more lax as I want to spend quality time together.

Since I’ve first posted, DD is doing a lot better with her teeth so I’ve slept a lot more/feeling better. DH has been doing more because he’s been asking for guidance on how to actually do things. I’m not expecting him to be a miracle worker with knowing how to just do these things naturally.

All in all, we’re all ok. We just needed sleep 😁

Pleased to hear you are feeling better. It’s so hard when your baby isn’t sleeping and you are both wrecked. It’s very easy to get into competitive tiredness and be totally ratty with each other. I’d still say in future if you have the option let him crack on with things and let him sort it out if he makes some choices you wouldn’t and that has negative consequences only because it’s the best possible way to learn for a lot of people.