Spoon feeding DH?

[Glasscabinet]

I’m just ranting really. I can imagine the replies. I’ve spoke to my sister about this and she says I just have to spoon feed DH, that’s just the way he is.

DD is nearly a year old, exclusively breastfed which is 100% my decision but it has meant that a lot of DD care has fallen to me. She also refuses the bottle so until recently we’ve always been joined to the hip.

Tonight I said to DH I was going to go out to the shops for some ‘me time’. Like always he’s always happy to oblige but again, when I’ve got home he’s just watching tele with DD. We had a row last week because he had allowed her to fall asleep on him without dinner/getting her ready for bed so when she woke up she was furious and refused to go back down for hours.

Tonight I got back, no dinner, no bath, not ready for bed. Just both of them happy as Larry watching tele again. It was the same when he’d have her to give me a lie in until I had a meltdown. He now does give her breakfast and gets her dressed but I did have to spell it out to him.

He’s now cooking her dinner and says he’ll get her ready for bed. But it’s bedtime now. Maybe I should have told him to get her ready for bed before I left at 6?

Also, don’t know if I’m being a bit precious but I’m not a huge fan of them watching American cartoons together. We did agree before she was born that she wouldn’t be a screen kid. I only put on a CBeebies for a few minutes on the occasional morning if I just need five minutes to gather myself together. Again, I could just scrap him looking after her all together if I just plonked her in front of the tele.

I wouldn't be too fussed about most of this, cuddling up watching TV and having a late night isn't the end of the world, but not giving her dinner until after 8pm would annoy me, that's rubbish parenting on his part.

Because last week he put her to bed two hours before she usually goes to bed, but without dinner, PJs, teeth and in a dirty nappy because she fell asleep on him. Funny enough she only slept for an hour then refused to sleep until 11pm.

The reason I had a melt down was because he had been out late the three previous nights and him watching her was for me to mow the lawn. Funny enough limited sleep (teething baby) and not being able to do as much as pee in peace for four days straight was the perfect storm for ‘what planet did this seem like a good idea/I wish I had just strapped her to me whilst I did the lawn so I didn’t have to deal with an energetic angry toddler until 11. Oh, and I knew that the next day would be hell too as she would be extremely overtired.

But I guess I’m over controlling for expecting the father of my child to put a clean nappy on our child before bed? Or taking off her dress that was dirty/putting in PJs to keep her warm throughout the night?

Or when I had to have words with him that whilst I appreciated him having her on the occasional morning for me to have a lay in/catch up on sleep it would be great if he could do some minimal child essentials to stop me waking up to her screaming? I.E. putting clothes on her, getting her breakfast, maybe taking her out? Doing something that wasn’t just let her scream at the stair gate?

Having screen time is absolutely fine.

Not giving her her dinner is not fine.

Dinner time doesn’t have to strictly be at 6pm every evening and there needs to be some flexibility but they still need to have a rough routine and pushing dinner back, also pushes everything else back.

I would be really annoyed that I had to do everything.
You go out and you still have it all to do when you get back.

I don’t believe men are that incompetent that they don’t know their own child needs feeding.

And then OP turns up and has to pick everything up he hasn't done while she's been out? He lets the baby nap when she should be put down for the night so OP has a bigger stress to deal with than if she's just stayed at home. Having cuddles with a sleeping baby is totally precious but he's also taking that from OP!

God it's infuriating and giving me flashbacks to when mine were babies!

Op it's a fine line to walk, letting Dp find his own rhythm with parenting and not making yourself the default parent who knows it all. Commenting too much will take his autonomy away and leave him feeling like second fiddle. But he does need to actually do the parenting ie give her food at meal times and follow her bedtime routine. It's not fair on you or DD otherwise.

@AsYouWiiiiiiiiiiiiish Yes. My stbexH, who does NO 1:1 with our Autistic YP has just texted me. He plans to take them to the cinema tomorrow (I take it he's back in the country then?) They are high needs enough I'm officially 24/7 their Carer. He is Cinema Dad (maybe 1 of them, once a month max). It started with him 'forgetting' to change/ feed them & progressed from there. Just. No.

Maybe before you go out get him to tell you what he’s planning routine wise.
I completely get where you are coming from and have to stop myself from texting my husband to feed the kids.
have you seen the ‘make a list’ song? If not Google it- I’ve never related so much to something in my life.

She can still let him deal with it even though she’s home? Why the expectation that the minute she walks back through he door the baby is her responsibility, I’d leave him to figure it out or he never will.

And then OP turns up and has to pick everything up he hasn't done while she's been out? He lets the baby nap when she should be put down for the night so OP has a bigger stress to deal with than if she's just stayed at home. Having cuddles with a sleeping baby is totally precious but he's also taking that from OP!

Why the assumption that OP has to pick everything up when she’s home? This way of thinking in itself is an issue, leave him to do it, don’t assume that any stress is hers, it’s his responsibility.

I just don’t see an issue with letting a sleeping baby sleep for one hour? I personally think that waking up a baby that has fallen asleep because it’s not a scheduled time for sleep is kind of controlling. You have a 1 yr old, being up at 11pm can’t be a foreign concept to you. Certainly not worth having a meltdown over. Baby fell asleep and woke up one hour later- so what- give them dinner, clean nappy, PJs and so on then.

On the breakfasts, you said he does get her breakfast and so on while you have a lie in. And why are you expecting a 1yr old not to cry at all ever on a morning? Babies are noisy. And if the baby wants you and not her dad, nothing he does is going to stop her from screaming at the stair gate for you.

But OP doesn’t have to do everything, she said she was gone barely an hour and after she got back, he was making the dinner and would get DD ready for bed.

My exh used to do this. He wouldn’t move things forward at all whilst I was out, he’d literally sort of mark time until I got back, which meant I’d have to do everything I’d have had to do if I hadn’t gone out anyway. I used to call this behaviour “babysitting” in an ironic way.

Also was very fond of letting ds fall asleep on him right before his bedtime when he was a baby, but before he’d had his bed time feed. So I’d have to wake him to feed and of course he wouldn’t go back down again.

He’s an exh for a reason! (And many more reasons than this)

I did find I had to be very specific and say, "I'm just heading out for an hour. Are you going to be ok to get dinner done and X through the bathroom and ready for bed while I'm out?".

People don't know things until they've had to learn them. Parenting is never exactly like I expect it day to day, and I'm at the coal face while he's sitting in an office. It's not stupidity the first few times. After that, well...

Was with you until you got on your high horse about 'screen kids'. Ugh, god forbid your pfb be one of them.

I think it’s most men tbh. You literally have to leave instructions and make it clear what you want them to do. Mine are nearly 3 and 6 and if I don’t tell him what to do he doesn’t follow the routine 🙄🥲

There’s a line between incompetence and neglect.

Leaving a child with a dirty nappy on to sleep in is neglectful.

I'm just relieved you're not spoon feeding your husband!

Let him parent her in his own way, but he deals with the consequences, if any. If she's late to bed and goes nuts from over-tiredness, he deals. If she throws a meltdown because dinner is late and she's hungry, he deals with the screaming while making her dinner.

Watching TV with her dad is hardly overdoing the screen time.

When going out just say - remember to keep an eye on the time for her tea/bath/bed - common sense really.

You know the routine.

YABU.

It's not being 'controlling' if you're the one usually doing the childcare and someone comes along, does it their way (or not) and everything goes to pot with a fractious hungry child

Of course you should have these expectations for the father of your child and your partner. You’re a team.

Suggesting you are controlling for expecting him to do the bare minimum says more about PP’s standards, than yours.

Good grief!

What kind of incompetent, lazy idiot are you married to?

What was the end result of all this?

Does he know what her routine is? If he doesn't then just write it down for him so he knows what to do at what time.

I think before you went out you should have reminded him to feed her, get her ready for bed. I think you are being a little bit unreasonable to be upset. It’s ok to watch some TV, it doesn’t matter if occasionally goes to bed late. It’s too easy to critique and then he won’t help and you get into a downward spiral.

He’s a parent. Why does he need reminding ti feed his own child? It’s pathetic.

I can't believe people think she's being the unreasonable one here. In terms of them watching the telly - that's up to him, it's then together, you have to let that go. But the absolute fundamentals of feeding and cleaning? Come on, they've had the baby long enough now that he knows these are the basics he should be doing and the bare bones of a routine.