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Original poster

Anyone else feel like they’re always waiting?

56 replies

waitingalways1 · 05/09/2024 19:23

It’s hard to explain.

I feel like I am always waiting for something to happen. I have no idea what I’m waiting for and I don’t think there actually is anything I am waiting for but it’s a really unnerving feeling.

First it was waiting for the wedding then the honeymoon, then for the first baby to be conceived and then be delivered, then mat leave to be over and then next baby conceived, then mat leave to end then to move house, then final baby to be born and mat leave to end. All of these things have happened in a short ish period of time.

Does anyone else feel like this? I really want to overcome it as I feel like it’s a real barrier to happiness.

OP posts:
StoryDory · 06/09/2024 13:06

OldCrocks · 05/09/2024 23:28

Living in the future perpetually is a coping mechanism, most likely learned in childhood to cope with unhappiness or stress. What it boils down to is hanging on to a belief that life "won't always be like this". It's a good coping mechanism for a child, because it serves to help you survive long enough to acquire some agency and control over your own destiny, except that coping mechanisms become habits, and for an adult it's a less good coping mechanism because you end up wishing your life away. For obvious reasons, perpetually focusing on an imaginary future becomes increasingly unsatisfying as you age and start to feel you're running out of future.

The key imo is to revisit whatever it was in your childhood that made this seem like an attractive way of thinking, and to deal with it. Therapy or counselling might help. The original problem may have long since expired and once you can see that, it will become easier to focus on your present. That's been my experience anyway.

As someone who has had a lot of therapy this is a very useful post.
Sometimes I think our whole life is being played out by internal rules we created to protect ourselves as tiny babies when we were totally dependant on others and desperately wanted to please them.

EngineEngineNumber9 · 06/09/2024 13:11

I feel like this but shorter timescales. I feel I struggle to enjoy the present moment. Dividing my life into “good” times (not in work) and “bad” times (work). If I’m in a bad bit, I’m wishing it away so the good bit can happen but during the good bit I’m counting down with dread until it ends.

MidYearDiary · 06/09/2024 13:14

DarlingClementine85 · 06/09/2024 11:42

Yes I get this. Perhaps because we grew up expecting our adult life to be "big family home, 2.4 children, fulfilling career, fun social life" through all the movies we watched. As a child, I remember watching Beethoven and Home Alone and thinking "when I'm grown up I'll have a big house and a dog and three children and a fun job in an important office" and then as a teenager watching SATC thinking "I'll live a glamorous life with a great social life and a corner office".

Then life happens and you find yourself living on an estate, trudging through boring work, paying bills, stressful school pick ups and no free time, and you realise that the life you assumed you'd have just isn't coming, no matter how long you're waiting for it. So, there's that!

That's interesting. I find the opposite -- my adult life is way more interesting than I ever imagined it would be as a child, probably because the adult lives I saw around me were fairly grim (minimum wage jobs, SAHMs, unemployment, large families, disillusioned, burned-out teachers, parents who didn't look like they enjoyed it), and I never expected any of the types of lives I saw on TV or in novels. Genuinely I expected to fail and be lonely and poor.

Which is not to say I lead a dazzling adult life, only that four degrees, moving around a lot in different countries, a relationship that has supported but not restricted me, renovating old houses, publishing books, parenthood, friendships etc are more interesting than anything I ever thought I would have. When I think of the kind of life I vaguely envisoned myself having at 15, I feel very lucky.

(Maybe the secret to adult content is to have had no expectations as a child?)

ChilledMama85 · 06/09/2024 13:15

Purplestarballoon · 05/09/2024 21:17

I used to feel like this and always had a to do list on the go. It stems from me needing control over my life but it definitely took away my enjoyment of the present. I wouldn’t allow myself to enjoy what I’d worked towards, I would be thinking of the next thing.
Since having DC it has changed somewhat because the to do list is far too long and unmanageable and it’s easier to get lost in the moment with a toddler who lives so relentlessly in the present.
But I do think it will return when DC get older so looking for ways to be more mindful in preparation!

I love 'getting lost in a moment' with my 7 mth old , I am so present in the moment I want time to stop...

MidYearDiary · 06/09/2024 13:17

StoryDory · 06/09/2024 13:06

As someone who has had a lot of therapy this is a very useful post.
Sometimes I think our whole life is being played out by internal rules we created to protect ourselves as tiny babies when we were totally dependant on others and desperately wanted to please them.

Show quote history

That is absolutely the case for me. I'm still trying to figure out how to move beyond the fact that I grew up in a household where there was no room/time/patience for my emotions, so I learned from a very young age to minimise what I needed, and to be 'no trouble'. I've had a lot of therapy, and am still trying to learn how to take up space in my own life.

StoryDory · 06/09/2024 13:27

MidYearDiary · 06/09/2024 13:17

That is absolutely the case for me. I'm still trying to figure out how to move beyond the fact that I grew up in a household where there was no room/time/patience for my emotions, so I learned from a very young age to minimise what I needed, and to be 'no trouble'. I've had a lot of therapy, and am still trying to learn how to take up space in my own life.

Show quote history

You may be interested in reading about structural disocciation which is another kind of defence mechanism our mind puts in place when suffering childhood trauma.
This link is a good introduction
https://eggshelltherapy.com/a-split-in-our-personality/

Trauma Splitting, Structural Dissociation and The Highly Sensitive Empaths

Trauma Splitting, or Structural Dissociation, is a way of coping with complex trauma (CPTSD), especially for HSPs and Empaths.

https://eggshelltherapy.com/a-split-in-our-personality

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