Anyone else feel like they’re always waiting?

[waitingalways1]

It’s hard to explain.

I feel like I am always waiting for something to happen. I have no idea what I’m waiting for and I don’t think there actually is anything I am waiting for but it’s a really unnerving feeling.

First it was waiting for the wedding then the honeymoon, then for the first baby to be conceived and then be delivered, then mat leave to be over and then next baby conceived, then mat leave to end then to move house, then final baby to be born and mat leave to end. All of these things have happened in a short ish period of time.

Does anyone else feel like this? I really want to overcome it as I feel like it’s a real barrier to happiness.

Yes second with an older brother. Do you still feel like this now?

This is exactly how I feel. I sort of feel like it's having a to do list which is never complete and never will be complete but I have fooled myself into thinking that once it's complete, everything will be good.

You're very right. I love my children dearly but it can be very boring and isolating being with them for most of the week by myself.

This is my daily struggle. I find the kids really hard work but then I don't enjoy my job at the moment. So I don't want to be at work but then I don't want to be with the kids 😂 no I'm not that negative about them but they are bloody draining at the moment

No, not as an adult. I live in the present and do things when I’m ready. I have two (now adult) daughters, and was always conscious that they were individuals and that the younger one could do things earlier than the oldest if she wanted to where appropriate (and legal!)

I used to feel like this and always had a to do list on the go. It stems from me needing control over my life but it definitely took away my enjoyment of the present. I wouldn’t allow myself to enjoy what I’d worked towards, I would be thinking of the next thing.
Since having DC it has changed somewhat because the to do list is far too long and unmanageable and it’s easier to get lost in the moment with a toddler who lives so relentlessly in the present.
But I do think it will return when DC get older so looking for ways to be more mindful in preparation!

Yes I can relate to this such a lot.

I'm always waiting. Really struggle to just be present, The waiting for the next thing just ruins it when the next thing comes. It takes the joy out of a lot of things.

Is there a name for it? How can you overcome it and just enjoy?

My whole life I have said that I'm waiting, then rushing because I'm waiting.

Not for any one particular thing. It's just a theme of my life.

Yes I totally understand that feeling. For me, it's not even something specific, I just feel restless, even when things are going well, I feel like I am missing one last thing/piece. Some days it feels like money, another day it feels like a new friend, other days like a better job or a trip or a different home etc. Rationally I know it is silly and that I am actually incredibly lucky but other times I feel overwhelmed by it and unable to just enjoy life.

I'm so sorry I mean meditation. I mistyped!

I find meditation really difficult but it's amazing how, with practice, it can keep me tethered to the now

I’m always counting down to the next exciting thing: at the moment that’s baby no.3 due end of Oct, then Christmas, then a family holiday; but looking forward to these things doesn’t remove my joy or stop me living in the present.

I feel like I’m playing the Weakest Link and each time one of these events happens it’s like me saying ‘bank’ and saving/preserving that memory. I see it as another achievement to tick off, adding to the richness of my story.

im on my second maternity leave and have felt a bit like this in the last one - sort of lost myself a bit for a while!

but this time round I’ve carved out a lot of me time - go to an exercise class 3 evenings a week and make sure to meet a friend out somewhere at least once a month and do more things for myself without the kids

and I’ve found that I’m just enjoying my life more now

i think the poster who said it might be boredom is right - I used to always have to have a holiday booked or concert tickets or something bought so I had something to look forward to!

now I look forward to Tuesday night Pilates or a drink with a friend or a solo cinema trip 🤣

I only seem to get this with work. I have to have annual leave booked in and I just wait for the weeks to pass and me to be off. Thing is, I like my job!

Yip! I’ve posted something similar before. I think it can naturally happen when going through that period of time of engagement/wedding/baby etc. I’ve just been on the holiday I was counting down to and now I’m not sure what my ‘next thing’ is! I usually always know 🙈 I’ve found myself on the holiday constantly thinking about having another baby (we have two young kids), not anytime soon but I genuinely think it’s just to have another one of these life events to go through the stages of. Obviously I want the actual baby but you know what I mean!

I think before I was in this phase of life, I did this with running events. It was a similar thing as it was always on to the next training plan or event. Wish I could go back to that 😅 I think living in the moment is what probably solves it. Something like yoga/mindfulness etc.

Ooh, this might resonate... The provisional life..... www.oliverburkeman.com/never

Living in the future perpetually is a coping mechanism, most likely learned in childhood to cope with unhappiness or stress. What it boils down to is hanging on to a belief that life "won't always be like this". It's a good coping mechanism for a child, because it serves to help you survive long enough to acquire some agency and control over your own destiny, except that coping mechanisms become habits, and for an adult it's a less good coping mechanism because you end up wishing your life away. For obvious reasons, perpetually focusing on an imaginary future becomes increasingly unsatisfying as you age and start to feel you're running out of future.

The key imo is to revisit whatever it was in your childhood that made this seem like an attractive way of thinking, and to deal with it. Therapy or counselling might help. The original problem may have long since expired and once you can see that, it will become easier to focus on your present. That's been my experience anyway.

Thank you, @OldCrocks , that has really resonated with me and given me something to think about! 🤔

I wonder how many kids being shouted at for 'dreaming' are dreaming because they're being shouted at...

I'm like this, I was waiting to retire so my 'real' life could begin but that seems to be moving further and further away now and with no idea how long I will have to work it's like clock watching but with no idea how long you have to go. Horrible feeling, wish I could stop it.

Yes, exactly. Your life sounds dull to me, OP, or at least the way you describe it makes you sound like some kind of brood hen, or baby-making machine, grimly plodding on through producing offspring. What would make things more interesting? Can you change fields at work, if you aren't finding it fulfilling?

I dislike the feeling of not having a big goal anymore.

In my 20s I met my now husband, moved in together...then we got married, and then did some extended travelling, these were big exciting things to work towards. In my 30s we bought a house and renovated it, this also felt like a big achievement. Didn't end up having kids so no milestones there. Now in my early 40s, there doesn't seem to be a 'goal' left except retirement, which is hard to get excited about. I guess this is just life but I dislike the feeling.

I was recently at the funeral of a 62 year old. They read a poem about a journey on a train, where you are waiting to get to your destination and ignoring all the amazing things passing by outside the windows. Then you get to your destination and either it's disappointing or you die when you get there or whatever - and you realise you've spent your life waiting and hoping for something that's coming and forgetting to enjoy the present, because that's what life is. Really struck a chord with me.

I imagine this is possibly why so many of my friends started running marathons, and then ultrmarathons and then extreme ultramarathons in their 40s.

Yes I get this. Perhaps because we grew up expecting our adult life to be "big family home, 2.4 children, fulfilling career, fun social life" through all the movies we watched. As a child, I remember watching Beethoven and Home Alone and thinking "when I'm grown up I'll have a big house and a dog and three children and a fun job in an important office" and then as a teenager watching SATC thinking "I'll live a glamorous life with a great social life and a corner office".

Then life happens and you find yourself living on an estate, trudging through boring work, paying bills, stressful school pick ups and no free time, and you realise that the life you assumed you'd have just isn't coming, no matter how long you're waiting for it. So, there's that!

I totally understand you! The years when my DC were little were mind-numbingly and soul-destroyingly boring. It didn't help that I didn't have family or paid help and was in an abusive marriage.

Now the DC are a bit older, and I'm divorced, living in a city I like, having lots of new experiences that I always wanted to have and working with a mix of very interesting and not so interesting projects. I'm enjoying life.

Still waiting for the day I'll have financial stability, a better house, a fulfilling relationship, etc. But I'm enjoying things, not killing time until the "next thing".

Some people need excitement. If nothing in our day brings pleasure and there's nothing to look forward to, there's no point meditating. The cognitive dissonance of trying to convince yourself that you're happy, when you don't feel it - that's very cruel.

BTW, I love my DC. I used to say that having small kids was like having the worst job with the coolest people. Now that they are a pre teen and a teen, I have the most amazing people at home, but I'm not on "care duty" all day.