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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Patronising DP telling me to 'please' do things or

38 replies

CallyT · 05/09/2024 13:15

First of all he is foreign but more or less fluent in English. He is also fluent in other languages and he's learning a new language now.

I used to live in Italy before covid. The other night he asked what a word meant
in Italian and I couldn't remember

The next morning at breakfast he randomly says 'please start reading/watching things in Italian again so you don't lose the language'

A month or so ago we were killing time before a ferry ride and beforehand as I was going to the toilet he said 'please dont be longer than 10 mins' as though I am usually. I said don't tell me what to do!

Is it just me or is he addressing me like he's the parent and I'm the child?

OP posts:
Original poster
CallyT · 05/09/2024 13:15

Title fail! The 'or' created an element of surprise but was a mistake 🙂

OP posts:
fruitbrewhaha · 05/09/2024 13:19

God that would be irritating. It takes as long as it takes to go to the loo, I doubt you were going to faff about in a port toilet.

Id probably point out he is being patronising and needs to think about what he is saying, he isnt in charge of you.

SpringKitten · 05/09/2024 13:20

On the face of it Yabu as it sounds like normal conversation, but tone and context and body language are everything.

If you feel he is patronising you then that’s what counts.

if my dh does this, I become extremely childish or sarcastic eg pretend to have forgotten Italian entirely and speak with a dreadful accent. Or re the loo incident I might reply “oh I was planning on taking a massive dump and then doing a full-face of makeup before we board, don’t we have time then?”

Not proud of myself but if he’s asking for it…

Original poster
CallyT · 05/09/2024 13:21

@fruitbrewhaha I was maybe taking a bit longer at the time as I have Endometriosis and has a heavy period. But I was late for nothing, we were really early for the ferry as it was.

OP posts:
SpringKitten · 05/09/2024 13:22

Alternatively you could try a more direct “you really can be a patronising prick, and no I don’t know how to say that in Italian before you ask.”

Original poster
CallyT · 05/09/2024 13:39

SpringKitten · 05/09/2024 13:22

Alternatively you could try a more direct “you really can be a patronising prick, and no I don’t know how to say that in Italian before you ask.”

Good one. Wouldn't go down very well!

OP posts:
ilovesooty · 05/09/2024 13:42

CallyT · 05/09/2024 13:39

Good one. Wouldn't go down very well!

Show quote history

"I don't like you saying please to me in that way. I find it patronising."

Paganpentacle · 05/09/2024 13:55

Politeness is everything.

As in.... 'Please STFU husband'

MrsTerryPratchett · 05/09/2024 14:01

Laughter is best. "Please don't spend more than 10 minutes in the loo" <laugh> "whatever, weirdo".

afaloren · 05/09/2024 14:03

DH does this sometimes. You’re right, it is annoying. DH is a very senior manager at work and I always say, ‘I don’t work for you!’

carrotcard · 05/09/2024 14:06

CallyT · 05/09/2024 13:21

@fruitbrewhaha I was maybe taking a bit longer at the time as I have Endometriosis and has a heavy period. But I was late for nothing, we were really early for the ferry as it was.

then he was trying to make sure you were aware the ferry would go soon.

I agree his comment on your language skills is patronising. It's up to you if you keep the skills or not.

The loo thing though is something that is just a way of saying please be quick as I'm worried we'll miss the ferry so don't spend longer than necessary. (My step daughter will often get caught in a day dream in the bathroom)

TheCultureHusks · 05/09/2024 14:07

CallyT · 05/09/2024 13:39

Good one. Wouldn't go down very well!

Show quote history

Then that needs to be said too.

‘Please think about the way you respond to criticism. If I tell you that I find you patronising and rude in the way you speak to me, it would be better for you to take that on board and open yourself to a conversation about it, rather than getting angry and dismissing my opinion. You can do the latter of course, but you are more likely to eventually find yourself removed from my life: the patronising instructions are bad enough, the refusing to listen to my feelings make it worse. You are running the risk of me no longer thinking that you are worth being with.’

How’s that for patronising?! He doles it out, he can take it 🤣

Connected1 · 05/09/2024 14:08

CallyT · 05/09/2024 13:15

Title fail! The 'or' created an element of surprise but was a mistake 🙂

Yes, it sounds like he was threatening you "or else........" 😬

StrawberrySquash · 05/09/2024 14:11

Is it the please or the request that is the issue? Or both. There's some interesting stuff around please implying power differentials so can actually appear rude. BUT it's quite culturally specific so people do run up against it. I'm reading that you are both from different countries.

CurlewKate · 05/09/2024 14:14

Telling me how long to spend in the loo would be completely unacceptable whether he said please or not!

mewkins · 05/09/2024 14:27

It's almost like he thinks putting 'please' at the front of his sentence negates the bossiness of it. It doesn't. If anything it's more irritating. With his comment on Italian, I would straight out say no. He's not your boss. With the loo one, I'd say 'I will take as long as I take. We have plenty of time for the ferry.'

If he doesn't like you 'answering back' then that's a bigger problem. He really is acting like your parent.

Catopia · 05/09/2024 14:28

In which case, I'd tell him when he's bleeding heavily out of his bum monthly he can comment on the length of time it is reasonable to take, but until then he better keep his trap shut.

Preferably in Italian, because frankly that would funnier.

AsYouWiiiiiiiiiiiiish · 05/09/2024 14:32

There has to be a lot more to the story and other issues in the marriage otherwise I must be the most patronising human on the planet lol

I personally say "please" before asking my husband (or anyone else) to do literally anything.

Is it his tone? Or his general manner?

Because there's absolutely nothing wrong with having good manners imo.

Edit: PP mentioned different cultures and I am wondering if this may be the case. I was raised in NZ and my husband in the UK and we use "please" and "thank you" quite differently.

MrsTerryPratchett · 05/09/2024 14:37

I personally say "please" before asking my husband (or anyone else) to do literally anything.

It's not the please alone. It's putting a please in front of a patronising, belittling comment. OP is a grown woman and can take how long it takes in the loo. His telling her how long it should be is awful, and putting a PA please in front is the cherry on top.

Original poster
CallyT · 05/09/2024 14:41

mewkins · 05/09/2024 14:27

It's almost like he thinks putting 'please' at the front of his sentence negates the bossiness of it. It doesn't. If anything it's more irritating. With his comment on Italian, I would straight out say no. He's not your boss. With the loo one, I'd say 'I will take as long as I take. We have plenty of time for the ferry.'

If he doesn't like you 'answering back' then that's a bigger problem. He really is acting like your parent.

I hadn't thought of it like that!

But yeah it does seem that way, as he says it in a gentle tone.

@mewkins it feels quite parental. Not sexy at all!

OP posts:
Spiderwmn · 05/09/2024 14:41

You don’t say please when someone is going to the toilet - i mean is it polite to say Please don’t have a smelly dump dearest.

Anonym00se · 05/09/2024 14:41

My DH can come across as patronising at times. DD’s response is usually “Okaaaaay, thanks for that, Mr Tumble”. It always makes me giggle (and him too).

SlugsWon · 05/09/2024 14:41

Grounds for murder. Both comments.

Please don't patronise me you fucking dick, would be a reasonable response

Fastback · 05/09/2024 14:42

“I’ll take as long as I fucking well want to, you condescending prick.”

But then I do tend to go 0-100 in these things.

SlugsWon · 05/09/2024 14:42

Oh scratch that, I like what @Anonym00se daughter says better! Use that

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