Patronising DP telling me to 'please' do things or

[CallyT]

First of all he is foreign but more or less fluent in English. He is also fluent in other languages and he's learning a new language now.

I used to live in Italy before covid. The other night he asked what a word meant
in Italian and I couldn't remember

The next morning at breakfast he randomly says 'please start reading/watching things in Italian again so you don't lose the language'

A month or so ago we were killing time before a ferry ride and beforehand as I was going to the toilet he said 'please dont be longer than 10 mins' as though I am usually. I said don't tell me what to do!

Is it just me or is he addressing me like he's the parent and I'm the child?

I do think you should have a chat with him about what he means vs. what you hear, given that English isn't his first language.

I have 2 friends from different parts of North America who were together for many years before they realised that when one of them says "You must do xyz" she means "why don't you consider doing xyz as you might like it/find it helpful" but the other hears "I command you to do xyz now!". Dialect differences.

But obviously possible that your dp is bossing you around and needs telling to stop!

This! People say one word but we hear another. And different cultures make it all the harder. But you both have to be constructive about it.

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Sounds like ‘could you please be a little more understanding of some of the challenges of endometriosis?’ Is the response

Could it be cultural, op?

My DH is German, speaks fluent English. But sometimes things still come out abrupt as no matter how fluent you are, it's still not your native tongue.

I speak fluent German and get told off for apologising too much... British habit!

(Although the ten minute toilet comment is odd)

Not a good sign.

How deeply invested are you in this relationship?

If he's a language geek (which you say he is) then I can understand the bit about not losing your Italian. I speak several languages and it's the sort of thing I might say to someone close to me, but I wouldn't mean to be partronising or rude.

As for the toilet thing, I did used to say "please don't be long" to my mum because she really did disappear for ages and, even if there wasn't a time element, it was a tad irritating when you're supposed to be enjoying time together.

Maybe it's a cultural thing OP, sort of lost in translation?

Where is he from?

One of my very dear friends is Japanese and while she's fluent in English, there are some quirks of language that bleed through that are all Japanese. Preceding any request to do anything with "please" is one of them! Teaching me to cook something and she's going "please measure X amount of rice" "Please fry it until it's crisp" etc. She's not being patronising at all, it's just how English flows with a Japanese background.

I'd have a chat with him about it as it could so easily just be a cultural miscommunication rather than him intentionally infantilising you!

It’s not about saying please - it’s about giving you commands (however politely they’re phrased).

I give my 3yo polite commands - I ask my DH questions or requests.

It is unbelievably weird to ask you to restrict your time in the toilet 🫤

I think it’s patronising and controlling.

I do think the use of please depends a lot on whether you use ‘could you’ or ‘can you’ or ‘would you’ after it.

For example, there’s a difference between: “Please could you put the bins out” and “Please put the bins out”.

(Fwiw, my ExH does this when he messages me about the kids: “Please pick DD up at 5pm”. It’s deliberate, to make him feel like he’s in charge. I just 😂.)

Sounds like he has good manners to me 🤔

People on Mumsnet are always complaining about how long their husbands spend on the loo. Usually heading for apio just before they're all about to go out!
I'm pretty certain that plenty of the wives tell then not to be long!

And I'm another that thinks the please is a second language/cultural thing, rather than being deliberately patronising.