How not to let the school mums get to me

[IHateSchoolRuns]

my child started a new school 2 years ago later than everyone else so everyone already knew each other. I always got a weird feeling from them but put it down to being paranoid. I won’t give all the details here but over time people have hinted and one told me outright people thing my child is weird and they talk about her. She’s a summer born so maybe is a little immature compared to the rest so I have it no notice but I’m finding the parents attitude quite bitchy. It seems like they have nothing better to do than talk about an 8 year old kid! We never had these issues in other settings just seems to be this school where they are quite judging. I don’t know how to handle. Spoken to
school who said she does come across “young” in many ways but will catch up at one point. Academically very bright. I just feel this school the kids are quite grown up whereas we still meet old friends from old school and they are very much like her - all giggly and laughing all the time. She gets looks from the new school when she does skipping into school for example! I feel really sad, I feel like talking to the mums but then worry they will think I’m “weird” too. I just hate the atmosphere.

They sounds horrible to be saying things about a child. Shes a CHILD! They dont all have to "grow up" at 8 years old let her be a child, as for the parents- who cares what they think they sound horrible!! She wants to skip into school then let her! Theyre only small once and they should be able to enjoy it their way!!

I am sorry to hear you are going through this situation. It is easy to suggest you should not let it bother you, but I know it is not that simple. I completely understand why it matters to you. School is a big part of both your life and your daughter's and having a better relationship with the other parents could make things feel a lot easier. I wouldn't give up.
Are you sure aall parents are super close and completely in sync? Out of say 30 there are bound to be a few who might feel they don't fit either. Start by connecting with them first. I would not give up. Some people are just shy!

You could also ask your child who her favourite classmates are and considering inviting them to do something fun - a movie, a meal out, or a playdate. Something that can strengthen the kids' friendships and give them a chance to get your daughter better.

School mums are the worst! They are the living, breathing version of Mean Girls.

They usually all went to the same primary and secondary school. They also haven't progressed further than their own postcode and see social media as the Holy Mecca of life. They also rear vile, unkind miniature versions of themselves.

Take your DD to school and pick her up. That's it. You do not need these people. Get your DD involved in clubs outside of school to brusden her friendship circle and social skills.

I probably wouldn’t do any of that….

I'm so sorry you are experiencing this.
I too had this happen to me as I indeed have a "weird" kid.
They would stare and whisper, both the mothers and the children.
My daughter looks odd, her eyes are vacant and she did stuff like forward rolling on the pavement,flapping her hands and other things.
She is learning disabled but not to a large extent.
She never got invited to kids houses,nor parties , she used to be happy but they made her so unhappy with their comments. The bullying got worse and I had to remove her from the school.
I also got funny looks, I heard them commenting on my clothes too.
She is now grown up,lives in her own house,has a pet cat, but cannot work. She still gets comments if she goes out,nasty local kids.
My daughter is now 26 years old . I am her only friend 🥺

There is NOTHING wrong with being weird. Embrace that weird. Be ALL the weird. What is wrong here is the normative pressure created by parents/carers desperate to fit in, which rubs off on their kids and then creates an uninclusive environment for the children to socialise in. Be there for all the weird kids and normalise acceptance and inclusion!

Agreed.

"Stop that, people are looking"
Is a damaging thing to say to a happy kid.

@ZiggyZowie that's such a shame for your daughter, and you having to have the comments and witness it all. People are horrible and they will try and grind down anyone that doesn't fit their narrow perceptions of what they think is normal .. screw those people ..

And @tuvamoodyson maybe you should so some of that... Lighten up, be silly.. dare. To. Be. Stoopid.

Why would you want to be like them? They sound awful. Picking on a child and slagging you off in front of children. Eeks. Stay well clear as people like that will bring nothing positive to your life xxx

God people are so mean. does she have friends at school?

Just commenting to say that I heavily suspect my child will be the "weird" one at school when he goes very soon, and I'm nervous. I dread the idea of anyone being unkind to him. I don't have any advice for that, just letting you know you're not alone.

What I do know however is how to deal with the school mums on a day to day level - you need to be totally smiley, confident, and unbothered by anything they may be secretly saying and thinking. You have to fake it until you make it - it's cliche, but it really does work. Just keep your head held high, imagine you're literally playing a role in a film. Soon enough it will feel like reality and then it will BE reality. I've used this to deal with loads of situations.

Well, I’m not sure I do need to lighten up! I’m a lady in my 60’s, I’m not sure that hopping, skipping, twirling, singing, screaming ‘bollocks’ is quite the way to go.

I'm going through the same thing as well. Are you by any chance in the Buckingham area? It sounds so similar to my daughter's school; she is 8 as well. I've always hated the school run; the parents are always in their cliquish groups. One mother in particular says hello but then moves away to talk to someone beside me, avoiding talking to me. All I keep thinking is that my son is in big school, and my daughter is in Year 3, so it won't be long until she can walk out and meet me at the car ☺️ I've gone nearly 12 years with no school mum friends. They all ignored me, but recently I've met my son's new friend's mums from other schools, and we all go out for coffee. You'll find your people eventually. I consider myself a very quirky person, as are my kids. There's nothing wrong with that. I'm not walking around with a stick up my backside like the others at my daughter's school. Stay true to yourself and your daughter. There's nothing wrong with being unique.

Fantastic. So why comment then?

Was it to make OPs situation easier? To sneer? To tell her not to do what I suggested because it would be weird for her to do so? That your intention was it?

"Oh I wouldn't do any of those things oh no no no..."
Os that what you were saying? Really.. in response to OPs, and other people's struggles?

If that is what you meant, that's a shitty thing to say in the circumstances, but I hope you feel a little better about yourself.

How sanctimonious of you.

😂😂😂 that’s quite an overreaction!!

And that's dodging the question.

Ignore it all. I have had three kids - each school has a group of “in” mums. They can be bitchy and nasty and self centred - but who cares?! I do the school run, go to parties, smile and get on with it, because their ignorant opinions don’t matter.
You are fine OP, your dd is fine - ignore the politics mate , smile and hold your head up!

I think we’ll agree to disagree…

There's no disagreement to agree with

You read my.comment and said
"I probably wouldn’t do any of that…."
Whilst looking down your nose.

I told you to lighten up,
You revealed you're a 60 year old lady etc.

So I asked why you commented to begin woth

You dodged it.

So, what did you mean by your first comment?
Simple question.

OP I hope my little girl is like yours when she's 8 years old instead of like the mean ones.

If it helps, I was a weird kid and didn't fit in at my school. I was immature but academic which isn't a recipe for being popular. Out of my whole year group at primary, I was the only one to go to university and leave my small hometown. Sometimes being weird is the best track to be on.

(And now I feel like skipping into work tomorrow...)

Skip skip skip

Skip skip skip

😁 😁

I can't wait for the Autumn, kicking leaves and running about like a fool with the kid and the dog. Great fun.

I think I'll make it a mission to make at least one person a day look at me like this gif:

Oh gosh no, you don't want to be just like them! Don't lower yourself that far. Stay you. You sound lovely.
And I love to see children skipping. It looks so joyful.

Exactly this!! I hate the way some people think all kids should be the same. Society encourages kids to grow up too quickly. For grown adults to be make such comments about an 8 year old is quite frankly disgraceful. As long as your child is happy, ignore them. I would continue to encourage rhe friendships with her old school mates too

Stay weird as the saying goes.
Smile and let it was over you.
We all do not want to be the same nor them
I love missing after school pick up that's for sure.
Funny how we think it's all us until we find our true friends and peers.
Cheer up Mum!

I don't mean this in a negative way but are you absolutely sure they are actually doing all this and you're not overthinking it?
There's a mother at my children's school, don't know her and none of my kids are in any of her kids' classes but I walk past her daily and she stares me down. I briefly walked past her in the alcohol aisle in a shop while she was on the phone and she said something loud about other school mums giving her "judgemental looks" for buying canned cocktails. I couldn't care less. I was minding my own business and wasn't even looking at her. I only started noticing her at all because of her stares in the street. So maybe there's some kind of self fulfilling prophecy going on.
So are you completely sure you're not overthinking it to some degree because you're feeling like an outsider? I doubt they're giving as much negativity to you as you think.

School mums are the worst! They are the living, breathing version of Mean Girls.

Seriously? All mothers of school children are like comedy caricatures of the most unkind people you can imagine? OK then…. You do realise that you are talking about yourself and at least 50% of the people on this thread?

OP I am sorry you are going through this with your DD. It does sound pretty unkind and I would be pushing the teachers for more support and feedback to try to understand what’s going on.

But I find this hysteria about “school mums” (what the fuck even is that?) very unhelpful.