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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask if you have a person that you think about a lot?

32 replies

dxd27 · 05/09/2024 10:49

I am feeling really confused at the moment and just wanted to vent here to see if anybody else has felt like this and if so, what the outcome was.

For background context, I've been with my partner for 10 years and we have 2 young children. I love him so much, but I can't stop thinking about somebody else from my past.

I met the other person when I was a teenager. We clicked instantly, it felt like we just "got" each other and we spent a lot of time together when we were younger (we had the same friendship group). We knew so much about each other but we never had a relationship. Back then, I wasn't sure if I was sexually attracted to him. But even without that, I felt a strong connection with him. I knew he wanted more at the time and I think he tried to just accept that we would be friends instead. Then I met my current partner, and gradually I stopped being close with the other person. It was getting complicated and the lines were becoming blurred. We spoke over the years briefly and the connection was still there, but nothing romantic happened. It was just as friends but it was honestly difficult to keep it that way. I know this sounds bad but I never cheated.

Over the years I have thought about him but put it all at the back of my mind, he was a massive part of my life up but more recently I just can't seem to stop thinking about him. He is with somebody else now too. The worst thing is, he lives locally to me and I see him often. He is in my dreams a lot and I wake up feeling worse.

I don't know why I feel like this. I love my partner, he's the father of my kids and we have been together for a long time but he's never understood me the way the other person did.

I feel so confused and I don't know how I can stop thinking about him. Or why I even still am after all these years Sad

Anybody else been in similar situation?

OP posts:
Doggymummar · 05/09/2024 10:53

Yep. When I was 17 I was dating a 21 year old single dad. It was quite toxic looking back. But for 30 years I have thought if he walked in the room I would leave whoever I was with for him. I've been with my current partner 10 years now, and I know this isn't the case anymore, but I think about him, and his daughter every day, many times.

the80sweregreat · 05/09/2024 10:54

Not been in this situation, but it could be that in a rut with your current partner and latching on to the whole ' what could have been ' type thing
Is this other person with someone or single ?
Hope others have better advice for you , but if you did persue this it could be messy.

Original poster
dxd27 · 05/09/2024 10:57

Doggymummar · 05/09/2024 10:53

Yep. When I was 17 I was dating a 21 year old single dad. It was quite toxic looking back. But for 30 years I have thought if he walked in the room I would leave whoever I was with for him. I've been with my current partner 10 years now, and I know this isn't the case anymore, but I think about him, and his daughter every day, many times.

It's such a weird feeling. Being with somebody you love but thinking about somebody else from the past. To be honest I've often felt the same, about leaving who I'm with now for him. But I know it wouldn't happen and I would lose so much if I did.

OP posts:
Original poster
dxd27 · 05/09/2024 10:58

the80sweregreat · 05/09/2024 10:54

Not been in this situation, but it could be that in a rut with your current partner and latching on to the whole ' what could have been ' type thing
Is this other person with someone or single ?
Hope others have better advice for you , but if you did persue this it could be messy.

Yeah, he's with somebody else too Sad

OP posts:
beguilingeyes · 05/09/2024 10:59

Yes, I have a 'one that got away'. He's still part of my extended social circle. I don't see him that often but it's like he lives in my head. I know it's mostly nostalgia...I don't think he's even the same person any more, but I can shake him.

TomAllenWife · 05/09/2024 11:05

I used to when I was in an unhappy marriage and unhappy relationships

He was my teenage boyfriend, he got married, I got married, we got together so many times.
Soooo unhealthy!

I'm now in a very happy, loving, stable relationship and I blocked him off every platform, I wouldn't even consider replying to a message out of respect for my partner.

I think maybe how you're feeling indicates an issue in your relationship rather than a 'one that got away'

Original poster
dxd27 · 05/09/2024 11:08

The thing is, I'm not really sure what is going wrong in my current relationship. We get along really well, we never argue, yes we could be more intimate but I just put that down to having 2 young children. We're always knackered. When we do have sex, it's great and it always has been. I've never had a concern in that respect. I'm wondering if it's the emotional side of things that I'm missing, which I had with the other person.

OP posts:
Ardrahan · 05/09/2024 11:09

But you chose your current partner over him at the time, OP. You weren’t sexually attracted to him. Why not honour the version of you that made that free choice, and see it as a valid one? Perfectly possible that if you’d decided to give it a go, you’d have had a few grim days or weeks where you had bad sex and realised you really didn’t fancy him, and in the meantime your current partner had made other arrangements.

Original poster
dxd27 · 05/09/2024 17:34

@Ardrahan Thank you for the advice, I suppose this is another way of looking at it

OP posts:
PrawnofthePatriarchy · 05/09/2024 17:56

I think of my long dead DH many times a day. He really was my great love. I'm a bit weird (ASD) but he just got me. We had so much fun. He was sexy, kind and trustworthy. I feel so lucky to have had him, even for 17 years.

Partylikeits1985 · 05/09/2024 17:58

Sounds like 7 year itch to me.

LonelyInDville · 05/09/2024 19:30

Yes, my first love, we were together for four years. I've really been thinking about him a lot when my last relationship ended 10 years ago. I realize he's the only person I was ever with that actually got me and I felt 100% comfortable with so I think that's why I think about him a lot. I have never met anyone that I connected with or felt that at ease with.

PorridgeIsNotSlimmingTheWayIMakeIt · 05/09/2024 19:35

PrawnofthePatriarchy · 05/09/2024 17:56

I think of my long dead DH many times a day. He really was my great love. I'm a bit weird (ASD) but he just got me. We had so much fun. He was sexy, kind and trustworthy. I feel so lucky to have had him, even for 17 years.

I'm so sorry, you must miss him terribly. What wonderful memories to treasure though, most people don't get to experience that kind of love in their lives. 💗

ClareBlue · 05/09/2024 20:04

What makes you think he would want to be with you now anyway. All this thinking about leaving your family to be with him is very presumptious.

Jjiillkkf · 05/09/2024 20:10

I don't think OP has said she's thinking of leaving her family? It read clearly to me as though she's fully intending to remain committed

PorridgeIsNotSlimmingTheWayIMakeIt · 05/09/2024 20:18

I've done this quite a bit over the years. This sort of daydreaming, I think, points to something missing in your current relationship. It's worth paying close attention to find out what that might be, and whether it can be fixed.

What I mean is that the person you daydream about seems to embody certain qualities, whether they actually do or not... consider what you associate them with. Sometimes it might just be that they are inextricably linked to a stage in your life that for some reason feels incomplete, e.g. if you married young and never really had fun; or they might represent something else, such as financial or emotional security, that you feel is lacking from your life right now.

MagnoliatheMagnificent · 06/09/2024 12:19

I do. Met when I was 16, he's a few years older. Never actually got together but both have strong feelings. He worked abroad for quite a few years, we used to write emotional letters to each other for a long time (which we both still have buried in our lofts somewhere!)
Really strong feelings but life just didn't work out that way for us. He got married 25 years ago (annoyingly he met his wife where he was working abroad)I got married 15 years ago. We meet up about once a year and go for a drink, both being careful not to over-step boundaries but there are feelings still there for both of us.
I have a fantasy that we'll grow old together but it will probably never happen! I do love my dh but he's a lot older than me so quite likely to die first someday, hence the fantasy being vaguely plausible - not sure how the wife of my friend disappears from the picture!
Have a nice warm glow when I think of him though.

TheYearOfSmallThings · 06/09/2024 12:26

I would guess you are slightly bored and not fully satisfied with your current life, even if it looks good on paper. When things feel flat and we are missing the excitement and promise of our younger selves, it is easy to start thinking we could rewrite history to recapture that, but it is not true. You didn't want to go out with him when you could, and you would do better now to seek fulfillment in your current life than to ruminate about past events.

Original poster
dxd27 · 06/09/2024 12:35

@gherkinlove I'm not sure exactly, but I get a strange feeling when I see pics of him and his partner over social media. Just makes me wonder what could have been

OP posts:
Stopandlook · 06/09/2024 12:42

Yes, although it has faded over the years and I know I’m much better with the wonderful person I’m with.

I wonder if men think the same or if they all just forget us 🤔😂

RobotandPenguin · 06/09/2024 12:47

I'm 45. Met DH when I was 19 at uni and we got married at 23. I love the bones of him and wouldn't change anything about our life.

But...

I can't stop thinking about my teenage boyfriend. I remember clearly seeing him on the very first day of high school and instantly fell in love. I didn't even know his name (large school and in different classes) for two years but thought about him constantly. We then ended up in the same friendship group and we really clicked. We could hang out and talk for hours and shared some really deep and personal stuff. He asked me out and I was the happiest I'd ever been. I was only 15 and we didn't go any further than snogging. He cheated on me with another girl from school after only three weeks and made a big deal about how we were only ever meant to be friends shouldn't have tried anything more. I was utterly heartbroken and our friendship didn't really survive afterwards anyway so I lost him on all levels.

We had a funny brief thing in the summer between leaving school and going to uni. Ran into each other one day and ended up walking and talking. Met up a few more times and on one occassion there was definite chemistry and we very nearly got together before he pulled away, saying it would be a mistake.

We then met at a party when I was already with DH but he couldn't come so I attended alone. This guy spoke to me all night and then apologised for what he had done when we were 15. He said he knew I was with someone else but he thought it was finally the right time for us and asked me to be with him. I turned him down.

The funny thing is that DH has always reminded me of him and that's what attracted me to him in the first place. I wouldn't give up a single second of the life I've had with DH and even if this other guy turned up on the doorstep tomorrow, wanting to whisk me away, I wouldn't throw anything away. It's more that I wish we'd had a proper go of it in the past before I met DH. Maybe I would have had better closure in that instance. Or maybe it's the loss of that particualrly close friendship that I miss? I don't really have close friends and maybe I'm projecting too much on this other guy. The thoughts about him really started during lockdown and haven't gone away since. It kind of makes sense as I think lots of people used that time in relfection on their lives. I just wish I could switch it off now. It was 30 years ago and I'm happy fgs.

ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 06/09/2024 12:52

Yes. The father of my ds who left 28 years ago. We met when we were 20. I think about him a lot. He was the love of my life. We kind of grew up together. I think about him every day. Even though he left.

Im 60 now, Happily married, more children.

Changedusername12 · 06/09/2024 13:28

Yes, I met him when I was 19, it's been over 25 years. We are still in touch, incredibly, but oceans apart. Wonder if we will ever get the chance, ever. It's lovely to have such strong feelings, but also so hard, and whilst I would never regret where I am today, I know we are both full of regret that we never went for it before life happened.

Original poster
dxd27 · 06/09/2024 14:05

ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 06/09/2024 12:52

Yes. The father of my ds who left 28 years ago. We met when we were 20. I think about him a lot. He was the love of my life. We kind of grew up together. I think about him every day. Even though he left.

Im 60 now, Happily married, more children.

Have you had much contact with him since?

OP posts:
Didimum · 06/09/2024 14:33

I think it's OK to give this sort of thing a fleeting thought, but you sound rather consumed by it. You are also deliberately feeding it by doing things like posting on here, and (I'm assuming) not doing much to combat the stream of thoughts in real life.

You're human, I get it, it happens, but your partner categorically does not deserve this and I think you need to be doing more to not allow yourself to wallow in these memories and feelings.

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