To be annoyed with DH about all of the following:

[legacy]

1. He offered to do an online shop to arrive today, but didn't order any fruit, or anything for Sunday Lunch when we've got friends (he invited) coming over

2. He has walked past a small pile of kids' dirty clothes on the landing ALL DAY without bringing them downstairs to put in laundry room

3. He moans about the kids not being very good or enthusiastic about football/ cricket, but NEVER goes outside to play these with them.

4. He got angry with me because I wouldn't tell him what I wanted to do for my birthday (er.. I don't know, surprise me?)

5. When he does something he considers domestic chores he makes a point of telling me i.e. "I put the milk bottles out"

6)If I tell him I need his help tidying the house (before friends for Sunday lunch) his solution is to just shout at the kids for making a mess, and then blame them (not help them tidy up)

7. He keeps buying unsuitable (IMO) PG/ 12 DVDs which scare DS2 (5)

8. He reads DS2 (5) books like Harry Potter because he (DH) wants to, rather than hear DS listen to his school reading book (which NEEDS to happen, as DS is behind on reading)

9. He makes a tokenistic contribution to the household by putting a load of laundry in the machine, but NEVER takes it out, so I end up doing all the hanging, tumbling, folding etc which is the time consuming bit.

10. He always finds a job in the garden or garage which is 'urgent' at weekends, thus leaving me to entertain the kids indoors
    OR he says they can come out and play, but doesn't encourage them with anything, so they're back indoors within a few minutes.

11. He won't listen to me trying to explain nicely why all or any of these things annoy or upset me, but just gets angry and tells me to stop nagging him.

Oh, and to put it in context, we both work the same amount of hours per week, and I was under the misguided impression that we were meant to be sharing all the household responsibilities....

Perhaps I Should divorce him - it may be the only answer ?

My dp does most of our cooking (I cook for children if he works late) baths children and his share of bedtime story. he buys me very thoughtful gifts and the occasional bar of chocolate when he thinks I'm down. He listens and is very affectionate, he believes I am an equal and I am a SAHM. He thinks the fact that I carry his children makes me quite wonderful.... and he's normal, so he sometimes forgets and can be insensitive, etc. But I think he's wonderful too!! He got so fed up about the state of the house he suggested the cleaner and ironing lady. He's shit at DIY and gardening and any maintainance, except mine!!
Feel free to remind me of this when I'm moaning, which won't be long, as he's only just returned from a weeks business and so rose are the tint of my glasses!!!

Strange how things turn out...

I was rushing around like a mad thing yesterday, tidying up ready for friends over today, and I tripped down the bottom 3 stairs in the hall. Not badly hurt, thank god, but have sprained my ankle I think, and this morning it was all swollen, and I couldn't put ANY weight on it!

So...... I stayed in bed till 11 am, read the papers, listened to The Archers and DH had to do EVERYTHING for lunch, including going out to shop for the items he hadn't bothered to order.
He managed a passable Sunday Lunch, although the veg was overcooked, and the potatoes a bit soggy IMHO. AND he had to clear up afterwards etc.
I think he's realised how hard it all is.

Nevertheless, at least he didn't cancel the lunch, which is what I reckon some men would have done. And our friends were really sweet and kept me from trying to get up/ pouring drinks etc.

Some useful stuff on this thread about resentment which has made me think though - very true!

(ElasticWoman - we've only just moved DS2 into the private sector BECAUSE he was struggling in a very large class in the state sector. In one term alone we've seen a MASSIVE difference in both his reading and writing, but he still has a little bit of catching up to reach the same level as his classmates.)

Oh no... I just showed the OP to DH and he said I've just picked up some good tips there' Help!

"He managed a passable Sunday Lunch, although the veg was overcooked, and the potatoes a bit soggy IMHO"

Would you listen to yourself?! Count your blessings. You have a husband who reads to his kids, orders food, works... It might not be to your exacting standards but he does it.

And stop bandying around "divorce" like it's an option. You got married, you've made that decision, you've committed to him, had kids with him... make it work.

I hope you raved about his cooking and cleaning skills.

My dh does sweet F.A Iam a sahm but he literally does NOTHING.

I honestly don't think this domestic chores thing is a male/female issue. It's a being at home/ being out at work issue.

I've seen it replicated to some extent the other way round with some of our friends: couples where the wife has a stressful out-of-house job and the man is a SAHD, or works part-time.

UQD: maybe in some cases, in a lot of cases the man thinks that because he earns the money he's the only one who is actually working and therefore the only one entitled to time for relaxation, where as the woman should be on duty 24/7 for subsistence only, because that's what women are for.

madamez i think thats the way it is in our house my dh will put a shirt for washing and want it ready within a couple of hours -you have a washing machine and a tumble drier -why mot your at home all day he will say.

As soon as he rises from bed(he works nights) i have to make him tea and toast he NEVER makes me tea on the rare occasion he is up before me -he expects a cooked breakfast every day and will quite often at 5pm say i fancy salmon or pork for dinner so i have to dash out to get it .....if theres only half a litre of milk in the fridge he will still drink a pint and a half leaving me with a mad dash next morning for breakfast milk.

If he makes himself cheese on toast when im in bed and bearing in mind hes had a cooked tea he will leave a mess behind.

He says to everyone that im an excellent mother and wife (as if by being allowed to stay at home he has the right to determine wether im good or bad) yet i feel hes taking the piss and making my life doubly hard.

I am rathr pissed off tonight - do u blame me?

windygalestoday, he's taking the piss. Big time. You are not his servant. You stay at home to look after the children, not to be his slave.

WindyGales,

"quite often at 5pm say i fancy salmon or pork for dinner so i have to dash out to get it ....."

Why do you have to dash out to get it? Couldn't you say, "Yes that sounds lovely, we'll have tomorrow, it's [whatever you've planned] tonight"?

Or sit with him at the weekend and decide the week's meals in advance. You can't just leap up and prepare whatever he likes at the last minute. Seriously, stop doing it! As long as you keep doing it, he'll keep asking for it.

windy, I really cannot understand how any woman on the planet could tolerate that. Why do you? Or do you quite like that dynamic? There's nothing wrong with relationships where one side quite likes to serve the other etc if that makes them both happy but it doesn't sound like you're very happy with it.

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BEAUTIFUL - I simply don't 'get' posts like yours...?

"Count your blessings. You have a husband who reads to his kids, orders food, works..." - why count my blessings? He isn't counting his blessings that he has a wife who works, orders food, cooks food, tidies, manages household, manages school admin etc etc etc. (Although clearly this is exactly what these sorts of threads are about - the fact that couples should respect each other/ share the chores and the fun, and so on).

Also "I hope you raved about his cooking and cleaning skills". No I bl**dly well didn't - why should I 'rave' about them? I said it was a lovely lunch and I thought everyone had enjoyed it etc, but not "thank you for doing it for me, as he didn't do it for me it was a family event, which he actually organised, but then blithely assumed I would do all the work for.

There's nothing in the marriage contract about becoming a slave to someone who seems to have become lazy, stubborn, grumpy. And of course I'm not (yet!) seriously considering divorce. But nor am I a 'put up with it and shut up about it' sort of person.

Cod - the problem with 'stating your case' is that men like this genuinely think they are doing their so-called 'fair share' - this just don't realise HOW MUCH needs to be done on a regular basis to keep things running smoothly.

I think because hes older than me its a routine weve just got into i thought maybe his dad was like that but he isnt - i know his Dad was wanting his meal cooked as soon as he came home but he was working very long hours and he didnt mind about other stuff in fact his Dad often says I do too much.
Its very hrd to change without ending up in a big row- even when I did work the house and the children were left to me.
He isnt pig in all aspects Cod hes very generous but i do find his chauvanistic attitude quite frustrating-i think whats brought it on more (apart from a lousy weekend where he went mad cos ds1 lost his jacket) is that our eldest 2 sons are noticing the wy he acts and sometimes speaks to me so whereas before i thought it was me being a bit touchy i see now it isnt and it makes me wonder how many other people hve noticed this?
Hes not a sitting down talking person so my chnges will have to be gradual but i can see its a situation that needs to change .......what makes it difficult more so is that i have no immediate family so i have no support.

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i realised reading it back that it makes me seem quite desperate -im not just sick of the rut i seem to have allowed myself to get in

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Legacy,

I'm sure you only came on here to have a cosy moan (which I love doing too), but he really sounds like an extremely not-bad husband and with a couple of tweaks I know you could be really happy with him.

It is easier to change your behaviour than his behaviour.

At the moment, you sound unhappy with the things he does (like reading the wrong books, for example) and he'll notice that critical attitude, and it'll discourage him from doing more, because he assumes he'll only do it wrong.

Would you list 11 things you love about him? That would cheer you up instantly. If you concentrate on his faults, they will seem endless (and you will feel saintly). Look at his good points instead. Look at your original list -- at first you were only irked with about 5 things I'd bet, but listing those made you think of 5 more. Now you're going to be noticing everything he does which supports your hypothesis "I have a lazy husband".

I'm not saying you should scurry around the house waiting on him, but you must understand that your attitude is crucial. With a happier outlook, your list of moans could actually have been a list of compliments: "My DH does a lot of our shopping, reads to the kids, invites friends over for lunch" etc.

I'm jealous as hell of your laundry room, btw. I'd kill to have a laundry room.

i think the fact he tries is the most important thing

does it really matter if you share the chore such as he loads washing machine you un load it

i think its real sweet your ds gets a variation of books read

just remember he is making effort doesnt have to meet our standards the fact they do it is what counts

suggest before weekend arrives this weekend we'll all do this maybe he only goes into garden as doing nothing at home

geta baby sitter and have a date

i think he sounds like his really trying to please you and thats why telling you what his done just appreciate his efforts more

my dp has never loadd a washing machine would melt if he was to do washing up

but i dont mind as he works long hours and helps in other ways

windy, perhaps he can't and won't change and you'll just have to accept how he is, but it doesn't sound very normal. Even in the 1960s my father did all the night feeds and worked and hoovered. Men have often not just helped but done 50/50 and a good few women even then in the 1960s would have insisted even then.

It will colour your children's views of how women are treated too. My ex husband did as much as I did or more around the house and never "helped", he did his fair share without prompting but he certainly spoke to me very nastily and was awful and like you I got used to that and you get into a pattern and think it's normal or you can accept it until you realise it's not normal or your children point it out. Even then sometimes it's better just to keep things as they are - no one ever said life had to be fair etc but speaking from the other side of divorce, it's much better now.

Sorry Bubblagirl and BEAUTIFUL but you sound like right old stepford wives....

I can't believe that in the 21st century women are proud to admit that "my dp has never loadd a washing machine would melt if he was to do washing up"

Believe me, he is NOT trying to please me. He is trying to offload as much as possible onto me as he can/ ignore my requests to do certain things until it all reaches breaking point, and then do what little he DOES do in a begrudging, "I shouldn't have to do this" manner.

Why on earth should men be applauded for "making an effort" whilst we get ignored for completing things efficiently?

There are some completely different perspectives on DH/DP 'roles' here. I don't expect my DH to 'help' - 'help' who? He's not 'helping', just the same as he doesn't 'babysit'. It's his house too, and they're his kids too. It's not about 'helping' it's about just 'doing'!

Have you both been reading that 1950s book which advises wives to keep children quiet, have a hot meal on the table, warm their slippers and look beautiful for their husbands when they come home from work?

I don't understand why women tolerate being treated as doormats.

DH and I agreed at the outset of our marriage how the chores would be divided between us. Since the twins were born, he works full time and I work part-time.

He hates ironing and washing so I do all that. Every week, he cleans the bathroom and cloakroom, he will empty and clean all the bins and puts out the weekly rubbish. He cooks the lunches and dinners at weekends. He always cleans the kitchen and he always clears up the living room because he hates untidiness. He does all the DIY, cleans all the shoes on Sundays and he makes my lunch as well as his own for work.

I cook during the week and I do the gardening except cutting hedges which he does. I also vacuum the house and we share the dusting and tidying up.

He plays with DTS (4yo) after work, reads to them all the time, always takes them out at weekend to the park and plays with them - yesterday he was doing jigsaws with them plus he bathes them.

The women with the lazy husbands need to reassert themselves in their marriages, explain what changes need to happen if relationships are going to survive.

When you are having your next discussion about it casually throw in that men who appear helpful and willing are more sexy because our numbed female brains foolishly think that will translate to the bedroom as well.
If he fails to get the hint just yell "and you seriously wonder why I don't want to shag you!"

Point out, those of you who are married to lazy men, that sex with them becomes one more chore and much less appealing because you have started to think of them as lazy and selfish and useless in bed as they are around the house.
If that doesn't work then leaving them is a sensible choice because they clearly don't give a toss about youor any woman, and don't percieve women as autonymous human beings.

well i think you have me all wromg there

i said i think he would melt as in wish he would do it he thinks he will probably melt if hands go in water

never mind

no dont think im a stepford wife but he works 20 hr shifts so at what point should i then expect him to come home and help with house work and he works away so pretty much left to me when he is home i do have to ask him t do things but its understandable that he is tired

i do expect help and want help when he comes home and he would much rather be doing something else but he appreciates all that i do as i do of him even if i dont like having to do everything

the thing with us is we appreciate each others efforts no matter how small he has a tough job long hours and i'm a SAHM so i guess thats where the difference is i see it as my job

but even if he does help and doesnt finish job i appreciate the effort as saves me doing some of it or just remind him he hasnt finished it yet

but believe me when he is off and im doing every thing makes me mad as then i do feel taking the piss only when he is working such long hours do i let it go and thats only fair