Struggling with financial discussions

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Hi all,
Hoping for some advice, I know this has been done to death but I want to make sure I am fair in what I'm saying, happy to be told I am wrong.
I work 3 days a week at reduced hours, this is so I am available to collect our daughter from nursery, two days a week I am home with her. My husband works 5 days a week full time and sometimes 6 days. We don't have joint finances, we have been splitting the bills in line with how much of the joint income we supply ie I earn 25% of our overall income and he earns the rest.
I am finding it extremely difficult to discuss finances or any changes with him as he gets quite defensive and for some reason thinks things are unfair, but I am finding it very unfair, I have no money at the end of the month, what I earn in a week he earns in one day. Looking for advice on how to handle these discussions.

Is there more context? Why does he find it unfair? What is the balance of chores like etc?

This is a nightmare to resolve - and we see it played out here daily.

I don't understand why people living together and consider themselves to be partners (married or otherwise) aren't confident and committed enough to combine all resources and take joint responsibility for all joint income and expenditure.

I've been married twice. Joint accounts, equal shares, responsibilities. My earnings were always the higher, but all the more reason to play fair, surely?

Why are so many men like this? Awful. All the money is family money if you start a family. You're working 24/7, he's just working full time.

Sorry you have to put up with this. Are you married?

You might need to squirrel away as much money as you can and get him to pay as much as possible.

To be fair, there have been instances of women being the major earner (but TBH, the men in the scenarios often sound a little spineless). (Possible exclusions for SAHDs).

Tbf if I was working 6 days a week I would be feeling very unhappy too. Maybe you need to pick up a day and he drop a day so that it balances out? How old is your dd?

I'm in favour of splitting pro rata so would frame it as you wanting to earn more money and the changes you both need to make for that to happen. Rather than you wanting more of his. If I was him working 6 days to your 2ish and spending far less time with my child, that would piss me off too 🤷🏻‍♂️

My partner earns more than me, in no small part because I've taken two maternity leaves (and therefore stalled my career) in the last two years, and have reduced my hours to 4 days a week. So that I can look after OUR children.

I would accept nothing less than equal access to all our money. Whether that's joining all finances, or allocating each other equal "fun money" after all bills paid.

Do not settle for him having tonnes of money and you scrimping every month.

What does he think is unfair?

I’d tell him you’re going back to work full time and so you’ll have to split childcare costs. No way would I be making sacrifices when with such a selfish man. When you’re a pensioner and don’t get a full pension, do you think he’s going to be sharing his, that you enabled him to earn?

I agree with pp that you earn more and he works less. 6 days a week is over 50 hours out the house.

Paying for things in proportion to your income is a common way to do things if you don’t have fully joint finances.

What is your contribution to the bills and what are you left with?

If the current set up isn’t working you need to sit him down and bluntly discuss numbers. Theres no point being vague or passive, you need to have a clear conversation where you both work through the finances together.

I may have misunderstood so apologies if I have, but if you are paying proportionately to your income then do you not have similar amounts left over?

So I assume by what you are saying that you pay 25% of the bills, by that reasoning yes he is earning more but he is also paying 75% of the bills, so surely the money you each have left over afterwards is a similar amount?

If the case were reversed, you will call him a freeloader?

i would say have joint account and just work together as a team. There’s no your money/my money but I’ve always done this with my husband. He earns a lot more than me but knows it’s all ours. I don’t understand separate finances. Others do it differently and that works for them. The key is this is not working for you so you need to have a chat about things changing however you decide but he needs to pay more. What’s the point of him saving money and not sharing with you. Surely you fo leisure time/dining out/ holidays together. How can you do that if you’ve no money. He surely must have to pay?

If he earns £3000 and she £1000 and their bills are £1000, then she’s left with £750 after paying her 25% share, and he’s left with £2250 after paying his 75% share. In a relationship without children I think that is a fair split otherwise the woman is just freeloading. But not where there are kids.

I have always thought that in many cases, men see having a family as the fulfilment of the woman’s ambition, so let women carry the various burdens that go with it.

You are married.
All in pot pay bills and divide the rest equally

OP my DH earns more than me because I work 9-3 so that I can do the wraparound school hours looking after our kids. What we do is pay all our money into a joint account where bills are paid from minus an agreed upon amount of "fun money" which is the same for each of us. Maybe you could try that?

The question is how much does he have left over at the end of the month and why you have nothing.

If you buy unnecessary things and he is a saver, then I can understand that he wouldn't want a joint account and that system is fair.

Are the hours at nursery free? Could you pay for an extra day if she attended another?

When will she start school and what's the plan then?

Many factors involved to say what is fair and what isn't.

Suppose she is earning £10k and he earns £30k, and that household expenditure is £20k. He earns 3 times as much, so puts in 3 times the contribution, ie £15k to her £5k.

He now has £15k left whereas she has £5k left.

They both put in the same proportion of their income and have the same proportion left. But her income is a lot smaller so her amount is less.

To get the same amount left, they’d have to calculate that all except £20k of their joint income is needed for household expenses, split the £20k equally between them, £10k each, and pay everything else into the joint account. In this example, he’d then be contributing £20k, and she wouldn’t contribute anything.

Yes, I suppose at that point it really comes down to what each is spending the excess money on i.e. is it “fun money” or is it baby things etc, but mostly it comes down to who decides who works what hours.

If he decided she should work less to do childcare it should be shared, if he would rather her up her hours so he can reduce his then it’s up to him really whether he wants to finance those choices although in an ideal world it would all be joint money as mine is.

His mistake is that he's valuing your contribution of looking after DD for two days a week and collecting her from nursery as zero, which is obviously wrong.

You should end up with equal spending money, not split on percentages which favours the higher earner.

If you don't have enough money that he feels he has to work 5/6 days and take on more of the bills to make up you doing more of the childcare, he needs to take on more childcare so you can work more, eg in evenings and weekends and earn more while he looks after DD.

I'm part time and so earn less. We combine all our money. It would make my dh uncomfortable to have more disposable income than me.

I assume he was in agreement that this should be your family set up and working arrangement? I don't understand men who think working less and being paid less when you have kids is solely the woman's problem and not a joint adjustment.

All these details, worries, bickering...
Living with and committing to a man should make your life generally better.
If not - where is the need for it?
Speaking just for myself.

Completely understand the huge sacrifice hes making by working so much, but what I would get paid in a full week, he would get in one day. So me taking an extra day or two on and him staying at home would have a huge effect on our earnings. In terms of work at home chores, laundry, cooking I do 95% which I don't mind as I get it all done on the days I'm home so don't have a massive issue with this. I don't think he really believes it's unfair its just everytime we discuss finances it ends in an argument and I feel like I'm money grabbing. In terms of leftover money at the end of the month after bills I am really left with nothing, but I understand the huge bills are tough on him too, but due to his earning he would be left with a lot more

Surprise surprise, he’s not militant about fairness when it comes to housework.

OP, you bloody well should mind. The perk of his job is a higher wage, which he keeps to himself. The perk of your job is more free time, which you invest in your family. At least start split paying housework by the same percentage as the finances. You do 75% of the house work (child pick ups included in that) maximum. If you act like a doormat, you will be treated as one, and honestly, I don’t mean this in a nasty way, but it’s very hard to love and respect someone who lets you walk all over them.

*splitting housework not split paying housework!