I used to get drunk at work - help

[Loister]

How do I get over the shame? After university I joined a large UK corporation. I know now that I was suffering from generalised anxiety, OCD and social anxiety. My current psychiatrist also suspects I’m autistic. In addition to being very damaged from a very traumatising childhood (sexual and physical abuse). I self medicated and am so ashamed.

Colleagues must have known. I would often over do it and just embarrass myself on the train home from work. I can recall the looks on people’s faces and it sends a shiver me down my spine. I’m so embarrassed and ashamed. The shame is making me ill!

It’s disgusting but I would take a shot in the morning in the bathroom at work to overcome my nerves. And I just took a shot every time my anxiety kicked in. Which it inevitably always did. And the issue just grew from there as my tolerances increased.

I’m no contact with my parents. Just would love some advice from the mums on here.

im doing well now - retrained, switched jobs. I only drink very rarely when I go out to celebrate but never to excess.

I used to work with a young man who drank at work to overcome social anxiety and he also had some complex things going on at home.
We did all know and it did affect his work. But not one of us condemned him for it. We sympathised with him and eventually we were able to get him some help.
I'm saying this purely because what you imagine your ex colleagues thought of you is probably not what they actually thought. You have done very well to retrain and get on top of this. Dont live in the past-look forwards x

Hey op.

Well done for getting help and turning your life around.

(As someone with anxiety disorder) I would say a large chunk of your shame is the anxiety talking. Memories of the difficult times you had previously at work may be one of your triggers. When these thoughts come up, try and treat them in the same way you do your other anxiety triggers. Use your coping techniques and remind yourself that what happens is in the past and no longer a threat to you know.

(The way you talk about fear your current colleagues are judging you for things in the past that most likely have no knowledge of suggests that your ‘threat brain’ is treating these memories as a current threat and triggering your fight and flight and making you feel worse.)

I once worked with a colleague who drank at work and mostly everyone was supportive towards them and would cover for them ect so don’t assume that everyone you worked with felt negatively. They may have felt sympathy towards you.

I think it sounds like you've done and are continuing to do a great job with addressing your issues with alcohol and getting yourself back on track. The past is in the past, but it would probably be a good idea to deal with the way you feel about it so you can properly put it behind you. Perhaps you can discuss it with your therapist.
As for whether your colleagues knew, maybe they did, or suspected, maybe they didn't, it doesn't matter now. It wasn't blatantly obvious or you'd have been warned or sacked. But some may have suspected, particularly if they had either experienced similar themselves or knew someone well who behaved similarly.

Keep working on what causes you to drink because that is the real problem, and I doubt you want to go back to those days again.

Don't look back. You're not going that way.

It sounds to me like you are an incredible person and very strong. You are NOT that person in the past. You are who you are now.

(We've all done silly things when young, you are not alone in that).

Oh- and sorry, taking a shot when you were overwhlemed with anxiety is not 'disgusting'. It was your attempt to self manage and self medicate. Not a healthy way, necessarily, but that was the tool you had available to you at the time. Your brain was craving relief and that was the form it took. You do it differently now and you are not that person anymore.

But that’s not you now. You’ve turned your life around. I think you deserve admiration! I’ve known a few people with drink problems and very few manage to do what you have.

Don't be ashamed of what you did, be proud of what you have achieved. You don't need to make amends for past behaviour, and dwelling on what you may or may not have done is destructive.

Everyone, at some point in their life, has done something they shouldn't have done - and if they say they haven't, they are probably fooling themselves.

Alcohol is often used by people to self medicate, you're not alone.

Please stop being so hard on yourself and draw a firm line under this episode in your life. Be kind to yourself and acknowledge your strength in overcoming an alcohol dependency.

Wow every single message has been lovely. I wish I could be as kind to myself as all those who have replied.

I am proud that this didn’t defeat me. Yet I’m still totally appalled. Slurring in meetings - God, what was I thinking.

I understand why I did it. I hated myself on a molecular level. I was so sad inside. I became an energetic, chatty person when tipsy. Not awkward in the slightest. I was charming. I liked being that person that wasn’t scared and afraid. But i was being controlled. I never knew how much to drink to get into that sweet spot. People saw me slur, stumble etc. It’s insane. But I literally could not even speak to another human at work without shaking. It truly was hell on Earth.

Well done on overcoming the problem, for retraining and switching jobs. That's great. But I don't understand the problem - if you don't work there anymore then what's the issue? No one on the train is going to remember. Perhaps some counselling could help overcome those fears/embarrassment?

I think you need to try and reframe this - probably easier said than done!

You should be proud of yourself in terms of how much you've over come and the fact you've struggled with this issue but managed to defeat it.

From everything you've been through in life it sounds like you've dealt with so much and come out even stronger. Obviously the drinking back then wasn't ideal but considering what you'd been through it's not surprising. What IS surprising is that you've worked hard and turned your life around despite everything you've been through.

You were coping in the best way you knew at that time and it worked. You kept your job and stayed on top of your anxiety. You have developed healthier coping strategies now but are judging your earlier self. Can you reframe it in a more compassionate way? You were doing the best you could. You were just using an unhealthy coping strategy that does not make you a bad person.
How would you feel towards someone else who did the same thing? We are our own harshest critics, I doubt any of your old work colleagues are judging you as harshly. I'm guessing they would react the same as everyone on here has.

Also shame thrives by being hidden and avoided. Maybe you should consider contacting your old work colleagues and discussing it with them? That may seem scary but the shame will dissipate

I think you should reframe this. You have been through major trauma and have come through it, got over a huge challenge of leaving unhealthy drinking and making good. Be proud of how far you have come!

I worked with someone who drank at work. It made me desperately sad for him, but I would never have looked down on him or thought his behaviour was ‘disgusting’.

I don’t know what happened after he left but if I heard now that he had retrained into a whole new career, and overcome his drinking problem I would be immensely impressed, and feel so delighted and proud for him. In fact, just reading about you, a stranger, having achieved this has given me a little jolt of happiness!

And I think most people would feel the same in that situation. Agree with other posters here - if you imagine your former colleagues think badly of you, please try to rethink that. They almost certainly don’t X

Trying to understand why she is feeling this shame so acutely will enable her to move on. It's not saying there is anything wrong with her. Telling someone to be proud of what they've achieved if they feel crippled by shame doesn't really make any difference.
You've also just reiterated that her actions were shameful, which doesn't really help either.

Op I think you should feel proud of where you are, now. Hugely proud, and yes feeling shame or embarassment over that time, people knowing, is normal, don’t worry. .

However that doesn’t mean it’s shameful or you should continue to feel it. , I also worked with two people who got drunk at work, both had to leave their jobs, neither were viewed as shameful by any of us, more we all felt concern, no one felt we can mention it, but we could see they were drunk and we could smell it. For one it came to a head when he passed out on his key board.and had to be escorted away.

i have to be honest, we thought both were alcoholics. So it’s interesting to see there could have been other reasons. Both are now thriving.

for info, I suffered this sort of anxiety, I went to the gp and explained and was given propanalol. I take them when I feel anxious and I don’t get any of the shaky stuff any more, musicians take them for stage fright. If there is any remaining concerns, then maybe speak to your doctor.

The past is the past.
Please don’t dwell on it x

It's in the past. Nobody died. I used to work for a firm with a heavy drinking culture. Me and my mate would be in the pub every lunchtime, downing three pints, no food. Then straight back to the boozer at 5.30pm.
You no longer drink daily and you've moved on with your life. Maybe that job was just really stressful. For all you know plenty of others might have been self medicating also.

You are absolutely not being unreasonable to feel the way you feel. Historical shame is such a hard thing to process.

the facts however are that your life is starkly different now

• new job
• moderate drinking
• success

Something that helps me when I’m shame spiraling a bit about things is to remember that feelings aren’t always real - but our bodies response to them is well practiced and hasn’t caught up. We have to retrain our bodies response by being really intentional.

next time you feel shame can you do a body scan? move from your toes up to your head - think about where you are feeling that shame - is it in curled toes? A tense spine? A fluttery chest? Tight shoulders? Are you holding your breathe?

can you be kind to yourself then - treat your body like you would after a run or a long walk - take some deep breathes - do a big stretch - all the things that we do to calm and quiet and cool our bodies after exercise can help calm us down when we’re feeling stressed or anxious. I have found the more I do it the more instinctive it becomes?

have you got people you can check in with for a ‘reality check’ when you’re spiralling a bit?

sending love and grit

In the last few weeks this seems a popular thing to so obsess over something in the past, it's weird

You can't change it so either obsess or move on

I suspect your drinking was very extreme if you’re feeling this way. I can only relate to my experience but I find that people often say yeahhhh when you’re young you do stupid shit, but there’s a huge difference between going out partying and drinking too much to being a functioning alcoholic who embarrasses themselves and drinks from 8am. People who haven’t experienced the latter won’t understand the sheer shame and how scary it is to know that you can behave this way and get overtaken by the need to drink.

I think there’s always going to be this feeling to some extent - I know I look back and just shudder. And certainly embarrassed myself in front of people who knew I was drunk but just thought it was funny - guess they didn’t recognise the signs of addiction because I don’t “look like an addict”. And there’s definitely things I did that I will never tell anyone because it’s too bad. Too embarrassing. Too shameful. Even here in case anyone ever sees it.

but here’s the thing, without that feeling and those bad memories, you’d have nothing to stop you going back there. So try to reframe it as a good thing. the thing that helps you to be who you are today and in the future.

and be proud of yourself too - you overcame something that many don’t!

I left on my own accord. I disliked my job and that added to my anxiety

i drank everyday - my goal/sweet spot was being in that tipsy range. Occasionally when I misjudged my ‘dosages’ I definitely was slurring but probably not stumbling. I had it on my breath

If you were slurring and stumbling and no one senior did anything, then that company is at fault. A decent employer would have intervened, recognising there was a problem.

Instead, you recognised there was a problem and you took the right action.

I’m sure most people have made an error of some kind at work - and plenty do nothing about it and carry on, making more. I’d be proud of yourself for turning things around. No one on the train will ever remember or recognise you - don’t worry about that.