I used to get drunk at work - help

[Loister]

How do I get over the shame? After university I joined a large UK corporation. I know now that I was suffering from generalised anxiety, OCD and social anxiety. My current psychiatrist also suspects I’m autistic. In addition to being very damaged from a very traumatising childhood (sexual and physical abuse). I self medicated and am so ashamed.

Colleagues must have known. I would often over do it and just embarrass myself on the train home from work. I can recall the looks on people’s faces and it sends a shiver me down my spine. I’m so embarrassed and ashamed. The shame is making me ill!

It’s disgusting but I would take a shot in the morning in the bathroom at work to overcome my nerves. And I just took a shot every time my anxiety kicked in. Which it inevitably always did. And the issue just grew from there as my tolerances increased.

I’m no contact with my parents. Just would love some advice from the mums on here.

im doing well now - retrained, switched jobs. I only drink very rarely when I go out to celebrate but never to excess.

You found a coping mechanism that served you well at the time. When you could do better, you did better.

You were surviving. Don’t spend your wellness beating yourself up over your illness. You are healing now, concentrate on how to continue a mentally well life going forwards.

if you could have done better, you would have done better. I know this because when you could, you did

Honestly OP most of us have done some really stupid things when we were younger.

And - I don’t really remember any of my colleagues stupid work nights out etc.

I sympathise with remembering these things and feeling awful about them - but, it’s in the past and the people you are worrying about probably don’t think about it at all.

Like others - what you did was in the past. Rather than be ashamed you should be bloody proud of yourself. You have pulled through, retrained and rebuilt your life. We are not the product of our mistakes, but of the actions and decisions we make to address them. You are an amazing person and have every reason to hold your head high.

Well done for working on your mental health, realising alcohol at work is not the answer and resolving it. That is a huge achievement especially after a very traumatic childhood.

Be kind about your old self, who did what she had to in order to cope and be proud of yourself for finding another way.

We all learn and grow over time, don't feel bad about drinking when younger.

As for being embarrased, probably most people didnt know, possibility a few suspected, none of them will be thinking about it now.

The adults who abused you and failed to protect you from abuse should feel shame.
You were let down and then developed coping mechanisms with the tools you had at the time, eventually coming out the other side. You’ve been strong and resourceful and I’m proud of you.
Hugs xx

I also want to say well done to you too. It sounds like you have had a tough life and you have coped however you could and you are still coping and living as well as you can. You are a strong person doing your best in difficult circumstances.

Im sure there are no end of people working through hangovers today, I’ve been in work when I was young with such bad hangovers I’ve been vomiting in the toilets, I probably stank of alcohol from the day before. No one is perfect.

Don’t let the shame of the past be crippling to you today, it’s where you were then, you are somewhere else today and continue to do your best. Be honest and open, the lessons you learn and the mistakes we all make are only human and often they help other people when they are struggling.

Accept you are human and have made mistakes and done your best.

I have things in my past that make me feel queasy when I think of them.

Try and think of the past you as a separate person. Imagine the compassion you would have for someone that stressed and traumatised if you met them now and try and show that younger you the same understanding and care.

I would like to take younger me out for lunch and gently tell her that she has nothing to be ashamed of and that the destructive behaviour she is showing is purely a cry for help. I feel sad for younger me and very proud of older me for changing such a damaging set of behaviours for the positive way I live my life now.

Well done me, and well done you for all the work and progress so far. The good news is that this is just the beginning and you will go on to do wonderful things.
Just keep going, and give that troubled younger you a big hug - she needed it then and she needs it now.

I’m sorry you feeling like this. I was really shocked reading this as that’s exactly how I used to be! I also had SA as a child and would use alcohol to numb myself and give me a boost. Hope things improve for you x

Why can’t you confess or tell your old workmates what you’ve told us here. Then they could make a decision with you if they want to stay friends.

Don't be so hard on yourself, this is pretty common. Yeah it's mortifying looking back at stuff you did but that's part of growing up. Growing up goes on forever really! Be thankful you are recognising this and are on the other side now. There are people that never had that let go and end up cracking up much later in life and making a shite of things. Concentrate on the now and the future. Keep working on yourself / having counseling to help you realise what happened to you was not your fault in any way or shape and you were a child.

Sounds like OP wants to put it behind her and doesn’t want to friends with them anymore, which is fine.

I’ve left people behind who I sometimes miss but it’s better for me to leave them in the past, sometimes people just grow and move on.

Please be kind to yourself. I think we replay these things over to check we’ve learnt something. It’s a snapshot from the past, it’s not you set in stone. Sending you a hug.

Our mistakes do not define who we are as a person .

Every time your head goes to that place quickly swipe it away with something else . It takes time but you will get there and these bad memories will no longer hang around .

I voted YANBU because none of your past behaviour was unreasonable. I am late diagnosed autistic and understand only too well the social anxiety, overwhelm and turmoil you suffered. And that’s not even taking into account your history of abuse. I can’t imagine many people in your shoes wouldn’t have fallen into self destructive behaviours, honestly.

Please forgive yourself for your drinking. It was a terrible coping mechanism but you were under unbelievable stress. Lots of neurodivergent people fall into self-medicating with alcohol and drugs. You aren’t the first and you won’t be the last.

I really know how easy it is to lie awake cringing at things you did in the past. But you were ill, and you got through it. Not all people do.

You say they 'must have' known but they might not have. I used to care for an alcoholic. He was often drunk at work and nobody knew. I also have had two colleagues (different companies) be dismissed for drinking at work-both of them because they admitted it to others, not because we knew. None of us had a clue.

How about reframing this as a tribute to your own strength of character .you have done amazingly well to get on ,and with the right help have turned your life around well done!

Of course shame is a normal emotion but it can also be very deep rooted and cause a lot of problems for people. The OP seems to be really affected by it.

Well of course she is, there is nothing abnormal about that. Getting drunk at work is shameful, please don’t try to make out there is something wrong with her to feel that, ther4 isn’t. It is a completely normal and healthy reaction.

You've nothing to be ashamed of, OP. You recognised your behaviour wasn't assisting you at all so you took steps to change it and move on. New job, therapy, controlled drinking. You deserve to be proud of the progress you've made.

YABU as it sounds like you are doing well ❤️ stop punishing yourself

It's a bit like being ashamed of wetting your knickers when you were a child, you don't do it now, so why worry about it? As far as other people knowing about it is concerned, I have more respect for people who have overcome problems, than those who sailed through life easily.

Forgive yourself! And be proud of what you’ve achieved. Many posters here are remembering old colleagues fondly, recognising it as a coping strategy and wishing them well. Do the same to yourself.
🥰

Forgive yourself and everytime you start to feel this shame tell yourself something good and true about yourself.

You have come so far.

Sounds like you had a problem, identified the problem and found a way to fix it. Well done you!

No point dwelling on the past. The best revenge (to your old self) is living well

Self compassion is the antidote to shame @Loister and you have a tonne of reasons to be gentle and compassionate with yourself. It sounds like a truly awful childhood to contend with. There are paedophiles and serial killers who do not feel a single ounce of shame at their behaviour and you are the polar opposite and you feel copious amounts of it when you have been victimised in the past. You need to apply your propensity for logic with your ASD and realise that you are apportioning shame unreasonably.

You had a really tough start, you used alcohol as an unhealthy coping mechanism, you learned more and better, you overcame that. You can feel seriously impressed by yourself for achieving that, remember many don’t.