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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think he's being unreasonable?

45 replies

Oodiks · 03/09/2024 23:07

Long story short, after trying to talk to my ex about separation several times, I took our daughter away for a few days and asked him not to be there when we got back. After a lot of argument, he eventually left and went and stayed with his ex (mother of his two older children).

That was 3 years ago. We got divorced the next year and he was ordered to pay Child Support, initially to me, and now directly to my daughter.

The property we owned together is currently on the market as part of the divorce settlement.

He emailed me at the beginning of August to say that the August payment would be late. He then emailed me at the beginning of September to say that he'd pay August in September and get back on schedule once the house is sold!

He has no contact with our daughter. Initially he randomly texted her and when I asked him to only text on Sundays he pretty much stopped texting her at all and makes no other effort at contact. No birthday presents or cards, nothing at Christmas, no congratulations on achievements, nothing.

I am still in touch with my stepchildren but have no other contact with any member of his family and they have none with our daughter. He blocked me on Facebook and we no longer have mutual friends, so I know nothing about his 'new' life.

When I called him out on the late CS payments and the fact that I have to tell our daughter because he won't make contact with her, he responded that I am being unbelievably offensive and have not thought about whether "something serious" might have happened to him because I am apparently "so self-absorbed that you can’t see past [my] own stupidity"

I don't think I'm being unreasonable to think he's an arsehole, but I did need a rant.

OP posts:
48Hourss · 03/09/2024 23:13

Why did you ask him to only text on Sundays?

WhereIsBebèsChambre · 03/09/2024 23:15

How old is your daughter?

YesThatsATurdOnTheRug · 03/09/2024 23:17

Having no contact with his daughter immediately makes him an arsehole I'd say. Zero excuse for that, absolutely pathetic.

Original poster
Oodiks · 03/09/2024 23:26

48Hourss · 03/09/2024 23:13

Why did you ask him to only text on Sundays?

Because my daughter asked me to. She found it disruptive to have messages from him just pop up any time of day or night.

OP posts:
Original poster
Oodiks · 03/09/2024 23:26

WhereIsBebèsChambre · 03/09/2024 23:15

How old is your daughter?

She's 18 now, she was 15 when he left.

OP posts:
Original poster
Oodiks · 03/09/2024 23:29

YesThatsATurdOnTheRug · 03/09/2024 23:17

Having no contact with his daughter immediately makes him an arsehole I'd say. Zero excuse for that, absolutely pathetic.

I can't fathom it. As far as he's concerned, he's tried, she didn't respond, so that's that.

OP posts:
sparepantsandtoothbrush · 03/09/2024 23:31

Oodiks · 03/09/2024 23:26

Because my daughter asked me to. She found it disruptive to have messages from him just pop up any time of day or night.

Show quote history

At 18 years old she should have had that conversation with him herself. I'm not sure how a text from her own dad can be disruptive to her though?

YesThatsATurdOnTheRug · 03/09/2024 23:34

sparepantsandtoothbrush · 03/09/2024 23:31

At 18 years old she should have had that conversation with him herself. I'm not sure how a text from her own dad can be disruptive to her though?

Show quote history

Probably because it's incredibly emotionally difficult to deal with a father who deserts you and seeing his name pop up would trigger all sorts emotionally for her.

Original poster
Oodiks · 03/09/2024 23:34

sparepantsandtoothbrush · 03/09/2024 23:31

At 18 years old she should have had that conversation with him herself. I'm not sure how a text from her own dad can be disruptive to her though?

Show quote history

That was back when she was 15 and her parents had just split up!!

I'd been trying to talk to him about a separation for months because I'd realized the damage his presence was doing her.

OP posts:
Original poster
Oodiks · 03/09/2024 23:35

YesThatsATurdOnTheRug · 03/09/2024 23:34

Probably because it's incredibly emotionally difficult to deal with a father who deserts you and seeing his name pop up would trigger all sorts emotionally for her.

Show quote history

Thank you, that was exactly the case.

OP posts:
purpleme12 · 03/09/2024 23:39

It sounds like it's just best to leave it and not communicate with him full stop.
Yes you'll have to tell your daughter if he doesn't but what else can you do
Yes it's shit but it doesn't sound like it's going to change

Original poster
Oodiks · 03/09/2024 23:45

purpleme12 · 03/09/2024 23:39

It sounds like it's just best to leave it and not communicate with him full stop.
Yes you'll have to tell your daughter if he doesn't but what else can you do
Yes it's shit but it doesn't sound like it's going to change

There is virtually no communication between us as it is, then he contacts me to tell me that our daughter's CS will be late, then to say he won't be back on schedule until the house is sold. You think I should just suck it up and not respond to his arseholery? I get to subsidize her because he may or may not have "something serious" going on, but I should just 'leave it'?

Cool. cool.

OP posts:
purpleme12 · 03/09/2024 23:52

Erm I'm unsure why you're getting arsey with me

ThatTealViewer · 04/09/2024 00:01

Oodiks · 03/09/2024 23:45

There is virtually no communication between us as it is, then he contacts me to tell me that our daughter's CS will be late, then to say he won't be back on schedule until the house is sold. You think I should just suck it up and not respond to his arseholery? I get to subsidize her because he may or may not have "something serious" going on, but I should just 'leave it'?

Cool. cool.

Show quote history

I think you may have misunderstood that commenter’s tone a bit.

Original poster
Oodiks · 04/09/2024 00:02

purpleme12 · 03/09/2024 23:52

Erm I'm unsure why you're getting arsey with me

I didn't start the communication with him so what's the point of telling me not to communicate with him?

OP posts:
ThatTealViewer · 04/09/2024 00:02

Is there legal recourse for skipped payments? Can he be reported?

Sorry if that’s a silly question. This isn’t really my area.

purpleme12 · 04/09/2024 00:03

@Oodiks Oh dear. I'm not him. There's no point directing your ire at me

Original poster
Oodiks · 04/09/2024 00:03

I do get fed up with people telling me 'just leave it' when I'm not the one who a) started it or b) is at fault.

OP posts:
Original poster
Oodiks · 04/09/2024 00:04

ThatTealViewer · 04/09/2024 00:02

Is there legal recourse for skipped payments? Can he be reported?

Sorry if that’s a silly question. This isn’t really my area.

After a certain point there will be legal consequences for him, for now it's just annoying and leaves me subsidizing our daughter at a tricky financial time (selling our house and hoping to buy one myself costs money)

OP posts:
obsessedwithfreshbread · 04/09/2024 00:10

Now your daughter is 18 he doesn't have to pay you anything.
as you've stated in your post that he should pay directly to her... is he giving your DD anything directly?
You can chase for the back payments but Is it worth it solicitors fees?

Bellsandthistle · 04/09/2024 00:11

He needs to keep up maintenance payments, but it seems like there may be some reason he’s struggling to do so until he has his share of house sale. Was it his choice to not be involved in daughter’s life? You seem like hard work tbh.

WinterMorn · 04/09/2024 00:12

Can you claim maintenance for an 18 year old?

Original poster
Oodiks · 04/09/2024 00:17

obsessedwithfreshbread · 04/09/2024 00:10

Now your daughter is 18 he doesn't have to pay you anything.
as you've stated in your post that he should pay directly to her... is he giving your DD anything directly?
You can chase for the back payments but Is it worth it solicitors fees?

He is supposed to send her a check each month (via an agency) and has told me that he's going to be behind on the payments until the house is sold.

It's more about him claiming "something serious" in his life while giving me no information and telling me I'm self-absorbed.

OP posts:
Original poster
Oodiks · 04/09/2024 00:19

Bellsandthistle · 04/09/2024 00:11

He needs to keep up maintenance payments, but it seems like there may be some reason he’s struggling to do so until he has his share of house sale. Was it his choice to not be involved in daughter’s life? You seem like hard work tbh.

I wanted him to leave because of the emotional damage he was doing to our daughter. He made minimal effort to stay in touch initially, but gave up when she didn't respond.

If that makes me 'hard work' so be it.

OP posts:
Original poster
Oodiks · 04/09/2024 00:19

WinterMorn · 04/09/2024 00:12

Can you claim maintenance for an 18 year old?

As long as she's in education he has to pay her Child Support up to the age of 21.

OP posts: