To think he's being unreasonable?

[Oodiks]

Long story short, after trying to talk to my ex about separation several times, I took our daughter away for a few days and asked him not to be there when we got back. After a lot of argument, he eventually left and went and stayed with his ex (mother of his two older children).

That was 3 years ago. We got divorced the next year and he was ordered to pay Child Support, initially to me, and now directly to my daughter.

The property we owned together is currently on the market as part of the divorce settlement.

He emailed me at the beginning of August to say that the August payment would be late. He then emailed me at the beginning of September to say that he'd pay August in September and get back on schedule once the house is sold!

He has no contact with our daughter. Initially he randomly texted her and when I asked him to only text on Sundays he pretty much stopped texting her at all and makes no other effort at contact. No birthday presents or cards, nothing at Christmas, no congratulations on achievements, nothing.

I am still in touch with my stepchildren but have no other contact with any member of his family and they have none with our daughter. He blocked me on Facebook and we no longer have mutual friends, so I know nothing about his 'new' life.

When I called him out on the late CS payments and the fact that I have to tell our daughter because he won't make contact with her, he responded that I am being unbelievably offensive and have not thought about whether "something serious" might have happened to him because I am apparently "so self-absorbed that you can’t see past [my] own stupidity"

I don't think I'm being unreasonable to think he's an arsehole, but I did need a rant.

You certainly lack imagination.

Can you withhold what he owes from his portion of the house money?

Could buying him out of the house be less expensive than selling and buying a new one?

Maybe you could make him a low offer by taking three years of maintenance payments plus 3 years of birthday and Xmas present money out of his equity.

He gets some money quickly and gets rid of the ongoing CM payments.

That way you will have no reason to ever speak to him again.

I wish! That was the initial offer my lawyer made, a one-off payment, no Child Support, I get the house, he walks away with money in his pockets. He said 'no'.

There's also an issue of loans from my mother which need to be repaid. I've settled with her, but he still owes her money and that will get paid out of the proceeds of selling the house.

It wouldn't be worth the lawyer's fees to do that.

I'm just super pissed right now that he's calling me unreasonable for not being aware of 'something serious' going on in his life I have no possible way of knowing while withholding money from my daughter.

Well he might have changed his mind over the years. And especially if he’s having a financial crisis at the moment. Seize the day!

Maybe do a deal with your mum? You also take the debt he owes your mum off the money you offer him.

So he gets cash. No maintenance. Debts cleared. Then you arrange to repay mum over time.

If you start the comms with ‘how would you like to have £xk in your bank by the end of September? He might go for it. I managed to buy an ex out by having everything ready with solicitor and financial advisor before I made the offer and he had his money in a few weeks.

It's a very tempting thought, but my daughter really wants us out of the house we lived in with him. Too many bad memories lurking about.

Your daughter is 18. Any communication should be between him & her. Try to not get involved. Child Maintenance stops when she is 20 (if in full time education) so wont be long now until you/her wont need to deal with him.

I don’t know how to make this clearer, there is no communication between them whatsoever!

You don't like him and he doesn't like you, so you both say rude things to each other. I'm not sure why him continuing the pattern surprised you, but best just to ignore. If you need to follow up about the financials then do that via a solicitor.

PP have given helpful advice about buying him out. You can still sell the house afterwards, it just gets you financially settled much faster.

I don't think I'm being unreasonable to think he's an arsehole, but I did need a rant.

Been there done that exactly same situation. Honestly just ignore him yes I know it’s difficult when they come up with loads of crap but it’s so much less stressful for you to ignore him. Late payments… report straight to cms and let them chase him. I used to go back and fourth with my ex because he’d say the most ridiculous things and he just couldn’t see sense but then one day I just ignored and life was better

That’s understandable- but as soon as it’s yours you could then sell it and move., and it wouldn’t necessarily take much longer than doing it on the open market?

‘Most dads would want their 18yo daughter to know if there was something serious going on. You don’t seem to care about that but you do want to make me play guessing games while not paying the support you owe your child. Please catch up on your payments now, there will be interest charged if they are late.’

You are not wrong, but you have posted in an open forum and asked for opinions. You will get replies you want to hear and replies you don't want to hear.

Maintenance whilst in full time education doesn’t include university for reference. Only if she’s in college but degree leave the maintenance stops. But yes he should be paying it, but clearly things do happen in life, perhaps he’s lost his job. If he has the maintenance requirement will change anyway

Well done on getting away from this horrible man. Even now he's still putting you and your daughter through emotional turmoil. It speaks volumes about a parent who is able to cut contact with their child (and his family too) and it also speaks volumes about who you are the fact you keep in touch with his other kids since you divorced. I'm sorry he's such a horrible person to you and your DD. I hope your new home is filled with so many great memories and happiness.

Totally understandable but once the house was all yours you could just sell it and move. It certainly sounds like an option worth exploring

Thanks, but I've already gone too far down the path to selling, including spending money (that will come out of the equity) to get it 'sale ready' and I don't want to have to pay for that. I don't even like the updates that much!

You just sell immediately, but this is the way to more quickly be done with ex. Depends on stamp duty amounts, but you might find it much easier.