To be upset at SIL comment

[Spiderweb13]

I am currently pregnant with our second child. My BIL’s wife just had a child and my in laws have started to compare my first born with the new baby. They’ve said stuff like ‘She’s so good, so much calmer than DS. So glad we don’t have to tiptoe around like we did with DS. Glad we’re actually allowed around to visit.’

For context, I had an extremely stressful pregnancy and birth with my first. I was caring for my terminally ill father who passed away when I was 8 months pregnant. I then moved into a tiny one bed 2 weeks before I gave birth. They swarmed our flat the day we got home from hospital. About 8 of them showed up. I was struggling to breastfeed and didn’t feel comfortable whipping my boob out with my FIL and BIL around. I was also still processing the passing of my DF, which was still extremely raw. Basically I was a hot mess mentally and physically. They didn’t intend to stay for a couple hours, they expected to stay the whole day. I asked them to leave and they’ve held it against me ever since then.

My DS was a difficult sleeper. Great in all other aspects but just refused to sleep. My in laws couldn’t seem to grasp why I was so adamant on a routine, it was the only way he’d nap and sleep properly. Of course I was very strict on his routine but they hated it. He now sleeps through the night and so I’ve managed to relax. They watch him regularly and have a very close relationship now he is a toddler.

DH sides with them 99% of the time and says the reason DS was difficult was because of me. And he will openly say this in front of his family - that I created such a difficult child (he’s really not, he is extremely bright and well behaved and very sweet - he was just a difficult sleeper).

This narrative that I’m some controlling DIL from hell has really got to me. After hearing the latest comments from one of my SILs I broke down in tears. DH said I was being ridiculous and that they were obviously joking (they weren’t) and hasn’t spoken to me all day because apparently I’m too sensitive.

Am I being unreasonable to take their comments to heart? Should I just it on the chin and move on?

You need to deal with your partner, he should be on your side, not slagging you off to/infront of his parents and siblings because then they think it’s fair game for them to do the same. I’m sorry, it’s a hard situation x

Send him packing back to his mummy and do what you want without them interfering. Bet your little man is ever so much more relaxed and so are you.

You're not unreasonable to be hurt by her comments, but it sounds like the problem is the total lack of support from your partner?

You sound so alone OP 😔

Your issue is your husband not your In laws.

he saw first hand what you went through and still can’t be compassionate or empathetic.

Your DH, aware your father had just passed away and you were struggling to breastfeed invited 8 people into your tiny flat. Then, knowing how you were struggling with your baby's sleep, and probably exhausted, joined in with his family badmouthing you.

I won't mention the fact that you've chosen to have another baby with him, but your problem isn't with his family.

We have no way of knowing if this is a them problem or a you problem. Is your DH just a prick or does he have a point? We don't know.

Yes, the problem here is your H. Unbelievably awful behaviour from him. I would be divorced if mine had done this. I don’t say that lightly.

Your ‘D’H is the problem op. He should have your back and he doesn’t. If he wont change (and he wont) you really need to think about your future - you will soon have two kids with this unpleasant specimen.

Why are you not furious with your husband? He's allowing them to think poorly of you when he should be making it clear that any shitty comments won't be tolerated.

This is what I’m really trying to grasp and why I’ve posted on here. Is it actually my fault? Was I too controlling??? When I look back I can’t find any examples of me being that overbearing. I was just trying to navigate parenthood. I really don’t know.

Get rid of your piece of shit husband.

Have you challenged them at all? The way they’re talking I wouldn’t blame you for keeping them at arms length when your second baby arrives. If your DH doesn’t have spine you’ll have to be the one who stands up to them.

Why are you having a second child with a horrible man who doesn't support you?

Why are you having any relationship at all with your husband?

Why isn't he an ex husband.

You have horrible inlaws.

Hard for us to comment, meaningfully. Sorry you're having a tough time 💐

My DH was incredibly supportive during DF’s illness and moved into our family home to provide care support. But recently he’s been really resentful of how things went and blames me for a lot of things that were completely out of my control. He seems to recollect things completely differently to me and over exaggerates the past, especially with DS.

I’m not seeking recognition, but I’ve never received a compliment from them. Not a single ‘you’re a good mum, you’ve done a good job’ nothing. Just criticism and snide comments. It really gets to me and makes me question my ability as a mother, even though I try my best. I just feel like mothers deserve some recognition sometimes. It’s hard work.

This sounds a lot like a combination of false expectations and an assumption that it’s your job, as the mother, to fix all problems with the baby/child.

Anyone who hasn’t had a difficult child can’t easily fathom daily life with a difficult child. They think the new parents must be doing something wrong. Because the new parent is new to parenting, they wonder if they really are doing something wrong. Confidence comes from experience, which you now have.

Many couples just weather (or don’t!) the early years and emerge with resentment but willing to move on. It’s not fair on the parent who’s shouldered the burden (normally mother). ‘‘Twas always this.

At this point I think you can ask for everyone to agree to disagree and to stop commenting on your parenting negatively. Everyone includes your bloody husband who sounds beyond useless: he sounds like an actual hindrance. Why didn’t he deal with it all if he knew so well what was right and what was wrong??

And passive aggressiveness from your PILs is bang out of order, whatever the context. Stand up for yourself, woman!

What did you SIL most recently say?

TBH that whole family sounds not very nice. Including your DH.

Your H sounds like a dick. I don't understand why you had another child with him

YANBU

Your husband and his family have no compassion for you. You've not done anything wrong, it sounds like you went through a really tough time.

If your dh won’t stand up for you then do it yourself.

Mil, fil, dh you cannot compare oranges with apples. Our experiences were very different .

I’m extremely happy that I stuck to a routine with ds, he’s a brilliant sleeper now.

My dd is currently pregnant with number 2 and if anyone dared to criticise her I think my son in law would tear them off a strip.
Your dh is a knob.

Your DH sounds like a right dick!! As do the rest of his family so the apple clearly didn't fall far from the tree.

DH sides with them 99% of the time and says the reason DS was difficult was because of me. And he will openly say this in front of his family

You really buried the lede with this one, OP.