To be upset at SIL comment

[Spiderweb13]

I am currently pregnant with our second child. My BIL’s wife just had a child and my in laws have started to compare my first born with the new baby. They’ve said stuff like ‘She’s so good, so much calmer than DS. So glad we don’t have to tiptoe around like we did with DS. Glad we’re actually allowed around to visit.’

For context, I had an extremely stressful pregnancy and birth with my first. I was caring for my terminally ill father who passed away when I was 8 months pregnant. I then moved into a tiny one bed 2 weeks before I gave birth. They swarmed our flat the day we got home from hospital. About 8 of them showed up. I was struggling to breastfeed and didn’t feel comfortable whipping my boob out with my FIL and BIL around. I was also still processing the passing of my DF, which was still extremely raw. Basically I was a hot mess mentally and physically. They didn’t intend to stay for a couple hours, they expected to stay the whole day. I asked them to leave and they’ve held it against me ever since then.

My DS was a difficult sleeper. Great in all other aspects but just refused to sleep. My in laws couldn’t seem to grasp why I was so adamant on a routine, it was the only way he’d nap and sleep properly. Of course I was very strict on his routine but they hated it. He now sleeps through the night and so I’ve managed to relax. They watch him regularly and have a very close relationship now he is a toddler.

DH sides with them 99% of the time and says the reason DS was difficult was because of me. And he will openly say this in front of his family - that I created such a difficult child (he’s really not, he is extremely bright and well behaved and very sweet - he was just a difficult sleeper).

This narrative that I’m some controlling DIL from hell has really got to me. After hearing the latest comments from one of my SILs I broke down in tears. DH said I was being ridiculous and that they were obviously joking (they weren’t) and hasn’t spoken to me all day because apparently I’m too sensitive.

Am I being unreasonable to take their comments to heart? Should I just it on the chin and move on?

Similar situation to you, my MIL always makes digs about my daughter “always crying”, “she’s crying again”, “such a naughty baby”, “oh you’re bad”. My daughter is the textbook easy baby, sleeps through the night, only cries when she’s hungry/tired/teething yet she is constantly compared negatively to the other grandchildren. Yes we do say when she’s got a cold or is having a bad teething episode but we aren’t withholding her from anyone like we’re made out to do.

Main difference here though is that my partner stands up for her (and me I suppose). He had a blazing row with his mum about it following multiple shit comments at a party at the weekend. Your husband needs to step up here.

Firstly I'm sending you a hug OP. Parenting is properly hard and lots of us were very anxious about sticking to routines and making sure we were 'doing things properly' Im sure we could all have been kinder to ourselves. There's a full stop. Now.... your husband sounds like a nasty piece. Er has he forgotten that your DS has two parents. Is he seriously sitting back and criticising you for how your son is or was? Where the f* was he when all this was going on? What a tool. I cannot bear meanness and unkindness and he is not only allowing it but joining in. If you want to stay with this man who doesn't seem worthy of you at all, maybe counselling so you can explore what being a decent loving husband is together. I'm cross for you 🩷

Your DH needs to be a better parent and better partner to you. It sounds like he's being a dick. Babies can be hard work. Good on you for sticking it out and finding what works for your child. Sleep should not be underrated! You sound like a great parent. On the (somewhat) bright side - your dc#2 might be completely different. Mine were chalk and cheese. It is bizarre to struggle so much with child #1 sleep and then have child #2 completely different. I felt it proved it wasn't me, it was them lol. And then for foods, child #1 is easy and #2 is so so picky. Again, it can't be me!
Hope everything goes well with #2
Your ILs can kick rocks.

I'd be NC in a flash. But I have the benefit of hindsight.

YABU

They haven't said anything that isn't true - you made them visit around DS nap time, and you asked them to leave.
They're happy that with GC 2 your SIL's child they haven't got that restriction of course they're allowed to be happy about that and voice their opinion that it's nice that it's different.

FWIW you won't be able to embarrassed about wiping a boob out when you need to with baby 2 and you also won't be able to demand silence or fit things around babies routine because your DS will still need to be doing things often at the same time as naps, feeding etc

They shouldn’t have voiced it to you, but if they felt unable to visit and then they have a different experience they will naturally feel they prefer the second. But that’s not to say you weren’t within your rights to ask them to leave when you did, your biggest problem is your DH who clearly doesn’t back you up at all with his family.

Your husband is an unsupportive, resentful arsehole who obviously thinks you should be Mary Poppins from the moment you give birth and that any issue is a 'you' problem. I can't imagine he will ever suddenly just wake up and be on your side OP so I think you've got some hard thinking to do about your future cos staying with this one doesn't look too bright. I can't imagine he's going to be the best dad in the world either but unfortunately that ship has already sailed. Don't be a doormat for him and his family to wipe their shitty shoes on for the rest of your life.

DH sides with them 99% of the time and says the reason DS was difficult was because of me. And he will openly say this in front of his family - that I created such a difficult child

Unfortunately the problem is not so much your SIL, but your DH. He should have your back and not slagging you off to his family. I appreciate it's easier said than done when you have a toddler and a baby on the way, but personally I couldn't live with a man like that.

You have a husband problem. Sorry but I wouldn't be able to put with that. Send him back to his mother.

Your inlaws are arseholes and clearly the apple hasn't fallen far from the tree with your DH because he sounds like an arse as well. YANBU.

Sounds like you'd be much better off without any of them, arse husband included! You'd smash being a single mother and likely your mental health would improve so much not being judged for making the best choices for your child!

Reading posts like these really backs up why my husband and I aren't going to have any visitors when our baby comes, it sounds awful.

Take care

Good grief your husband is out of order withe comments that “you made him difficult”. I would completely lose my rag about that - silly SILs, not so much.

You have a DH problem.

You have a huge husband problem. Life is too short to be with someone who dosnt seem to even like you let alone love you. I'd be making plans to walk away from him. You will be much happier and free of his and his families BS. Not sure how far along you are but seriously consider if having another child with this man is a good idea. Depending on how far along you are there are options.
Whatever you do you need to be firm and clear and consistent. Treat them like the nasty kids they are behaving as. Firm boundaries and respect or they stay away. Same for the husband.
But for your own sake free yourself of them all.

Your problem here isn't your extended family it's your 'DH'. He should have your back no matter what. He should be putting his family in their place. He should be advocating and supporting you in front of them not siding with them and gaslighting you into believing you are the problem. They treat you like this because he encourages it.
This behaviour and treatment of you will quickly rub off on your son as he gets older.
I would make it very clear to him, either he changes, supports you and puts them in their place or he'll be shown the door.