To just want to talk?

[Tiredofbeingsad]

My boyfriend shuts me out when he is with his family (separated, kids). I do understand but it’s been nearly 10 days and I just needed to hear his voice / he called me on the way home from his football match \ I got upset and hung up but he wouldn’t answer my call when I tried to call him back. Now it’s festering and it’s 3am.
wouldn’t it be so much easier just to speak?

That doesn’t sound like a health relationship (part time). He is being cruel not picking up your calls now or messaging you back.

I suppose you can’t change his behaviour despite you expressing your upset of the situation, he refused to engage with you. He has a serious case of compartmentalisation.

You don’t sound happy and you really should evaluate your position in this relationship

Is he with his children, or with his ex and children?

If someone hung up on me I do not answer when they call back.

You hung up on him and seem to resent him spending tine with his dc. If I were him, I wouldn't be rushing to answer your call either.

Has he spent 10 days with his children? Maybe he wants to give his full attention to them on holiday? He did ring, you hung up. I think either you need to learn to get a life when he is with his children or you need to split because you will always be second and you sound a bit needy.

I think if he wanted to make time for you within 10 days he could have called you. It's only a few mins ffs. It's not being unreasonable. I wouldn't want to be with someone if I was that low on their list of priorities. Yes of course he needs to put his children first but it's not difficult to make time for a call or message

it would only be a few mins to call me but he doesn’t. I’m not normally this needy and of course I know he wants to spend time with his kids. It just doesn’t feel very nice being no priority whatsoever.

How often is he with his kids?

Why did you get upset and hang up on him?

I wouldn’t answer for a while to someone who hung up on me. I would want space.

Also I had to ask him to call me this evening. It just doesn’t feel very nice or fair!

Because he messaged me in the morning to say he loved chatting and would call. Then didn’t and I had to ask him. Then he called and virtually immediately said he had to go - what was the point if he didn’t want to speak to me. I clearly misread something.

Most just kids but his ex is there a bit.

But he called and chatted for a few minutes. After he had finished doing something.

He was at the football match before then. He called because you wanted him to. You said you just wanted to speak for a few minutes. He did that and you got upset.

If he has been with them for 10 days I am going to guess he doesn’t see them every week or he is away with them. In which case I would only expect text communication or the odd short call.

If he has them for 10 days at a time then his ex has them for 10 days at time and this their routine then I probably would expect the odd phone call. It’s difficult to judge because I don’t get the set up.

How long have you been together?

one lives with him and in last year at school and he sees the other two regularly - they are at uni. So they do see each other all the time. It’s not a question of access.

yes I understand that I was being selfish - but I don’t think that a conversation for more than a few mins in over 10 days should be unreasonable? Or even more than one call for a few mins?

We have been together for over a year but I haven’t met them (tricky situation which I’m supportive of and trying to help when he lets me but would never push him - it’s his choice to invite me to meet them. But they know about me.

also to mention - they were away for a few days but now just at home.

Oh, so they're older teenagers/adults? And his ex is there for some of the time? Why? He lives with one. Why can't the ex see the child on her own? And you haven't even met the one he lives with? How do you know they know about you? It sounds as if you are a casual/ other woman situation. What 17 year old needs their dad hanging around all the time to the point he can't leave them to make a phone call? It sounds as if he's using his almost adult children as an excuse not to see/speak to you. Instead of hectoring him to do it, you need to ask yourself why you have to.

It does feel quite controlling - and last night I pushed back. And I now feel shut down, like I’ve ruined time for him and I’m being punished

In all honest I am a bit confused by the set up.

One child lives with him. The others are adults. And he has been away with them (I think just text contact while he was away was fine) but now they are all just at his house and whenever they are at his house he won’t contact you?

and for some reason his ex is included in them spending this time together?

is this a regular occurrence? If his kids come back from uni for Christmas will he not contact you?

Or is he just trying to get a lot of quality time with them all before the they all go back to school/uni? What has the rest of the summer being like?

Still can’t work out why his ex involved though.

Judging by last year no he won’t contact me at christmas! Although it hadn’t been that long last year.

they are a close family I guess. I’m not going to say that it doesn’t upset me - it does. The ex is the source of all of our minor arguments.

All holidays are a bit grim to be honest - Easter was similar.

Why be with someone who throws you the crumbs from their table. He doesn't need to go AWOL for 10 days just because he's spending time with his kids. He can balance both if he chose, by giving you a call and keeping in contact but he's cutting you out for chunks of time including holidays like Christmas and Easter.

So clearly he doesn't see you as a partner, just someone he can pick up or drop, at will.

Makes me wonder if there isn't some back story going on there ...

You’ve only been together for a year and he’s been showing you where you are on the list of his priorities just a few months in at Christmas, why are you still with him?

I messaged him straight away to say sorry - he responded 2 hours later saying he needs a night off from “this stuff”. Assume that this stuff is my life 😢

I'm sorry OP but it does sound as though you don't count as anyone important in his life.
To say he can't text or call you when he is with his children- given at least 2 are adult and the other must be almost adult - must be an excuse. He obviously doesn't want a proper relationship with you for his own reasons. You are just on the periphery of his life . And the fact he appears to still have his ex playing an important role in his life is very telling as to your standing.
This relationship is only bringing you unhappiness OP. You would be much better ending it.

Does he feel guilty about not being with his kids other parent? I'm wondering if he's even emotionally ready for another relationship if he behaves like this.

OP I'd have a good think about what you want longer term from this.

Get some self respect and end this shit show. Find someone who prioritises you and is proud of you.

There are two aspects here.

Firstly, you're acting like a child. You don't get to put the phone down on him, message saying sorry and expect another call. I would also have had enough of "this stuff".

Secondly, I completely get you missing him and wanting to talk to him. He is doing the right thing in many ways by keeping you separate from the kids until he is sure but he's absolutely not doing it in a good way. He's compartmentalising and making you feel shit in the process. You are not a priority and as he has kids, you never will be. Honestly, I'd cut your losses and run. If you don't have kids then it's better to date someone else who doesn't.