AIBU to not feel ready to go back to work yet? (SAHM)

[newmummylucy]

for context - I've been a sahm for the past 4 years, and my DC is starting school this September. Im not entirely sure if my DC is partially on the spectrum and when they were at nursery for 2 years the nursery manager was doing a lot of 1-1 with them and my DC cried almost every day for 2 years at drop offs, doesn't like loud noise, doesn't play with other children etc...

Im really lucky in that when we decided to try for a child we agreed I would be a SAHM, however I thought that would go on until at least school year 2-3 as my husband works really long hours, earns a lot of money and relies on me to be there for our child for pretty much everything during the week. We can afford for me to be a SAHM

I don't know if i've just got overwhelming anxiety about re-joining the work force (its a 16 hour a week retail job with the hours spread out over 3 days) I applied because I wanted something for me, but I didnt really think anything of actually getting the job.

Now i've been offered the job I just feel really worried about the whole thing. I know retail isn't particuarly flexible and Im worried that between myself, my husband and our friend picking our DC up from school on the days I am working our DC will feel really unsettled and it will make the transition to school really difficult. I can't imagine not being there for drop off or pick up knowing how upset our DC gets. Im also worried about when they are unwell and I will need to be the one to take time off from my job to care for them.

Although I am a SAHM I do have 100k in savings for our family's future which is my own money and Im really torn on whether to pull out of the job and wait to return to work when our DC is a little older.

Im just not entirely sure its worth it, missing out on things at christmas (e.g working christmas eve and boxing day) and one day of the weekend, and things at school and knowing i'm not right there at the drop of a hat should I be needed for the sake of an extra £700 a month

My husband has been really supportive either way saying there's no pressure but I sort of feel like there is a pressure as I feel bad for him being the only one earning and i know an extra £700 a month into our savings would be nice.

AIBU? please be kind - i'm feeling very all over the place at the moment

P.s I know im being vague about DC's gender etc but I don't want to go into too many personal details online

Could you use some of the money to train in something that will pay better than retail? Maybe school only hours.Or from home with flexibility. If your son has a diagnosis there will be appointments and he will need extra support.
Retail likely isn’t very flexible.

Thankyou for your response, We are saving the money for when we eventually move house. our DC isn't diagnosed yet but if the school also think there are possibilities of being on the spectrum we will go down that route

All understandable worries but the truth is, the longer you leave it the more anxious you will feel about coming back to work. At the moment, you are not committed to lifetime of retail work. You can start and give it a couple of months and then reevaluate. Chances are, everything will go smoothly and if it doesn’t, you can resign at any point.
I would definitely look at training for the dream job as a longer term solution

Why don’t you just give it a go? Decide how long you want to try it out for - say 6 weeks / your child’s first school term / a month. If you stick it out that long then you’ve given it a really fair chance for you to properly make a decision about whether returning to work is right for you just now.
If it’s not then you can leave. But it’s better to give it a go first.
Plus, like pp said, you’ve got the money to retrain in something you’d like to do. So you have lots of options!

Thankyou, I didn't think about this. I

think one of the reasons i'm so anxious is because we live in a city i don't feel very safe in (my husband doesn't want to move anywhere else) and Im also worried I wont be there as much as our dc needs me for school drop off's

I felt exactly the same. Applied for a job because youngest was in Reception but spent a full fortnight properly panicking when I actually got the job. I wanted to earn a bit more even though we are comfortable, so could go on more trips etc.

The thing is I made sure I went for exactly what I wanted and no more - low stress, high flexibility, bits of my old job that I liked doing and not the bits I didn't.

I would say whether or not you start this job, think about what you'd actually like to do for work (I do think it's important you go back to some kind of work, for you), and what flexibility you'd need, then spend time looking for that. As well as training, could you do some kind of volunteer role even, if you can't find a paid role that suits, to build up your confidence and make contacts?

There are free training courses you can do (skills bootcamps) that are probably available to you as a returner to work (e.g. Firebrand) but I believe they can still require set amounts of time. Just a suggestion as something to look into if it sounds interesting.

I should say I'm very glad I took my job, DH or I still do all drop offs and pick up from clubs.

Maybe this particular job isn't the right one for you. With having to work weekends. Bit I agree you should give it a go. You sound very over anxious and I think it would be good for you to get back to work. Meeting people instead of being stuck at home all day on your own.

I think its worth trying the job and seeing how it goes. It sounds like you can easily walk away from it in the event it's not for you. But what if you enjoy it and it enriches your life, that would be great.

Don't let fear and anxiety rule your life x

Why 16 hours?

Thankyou x

Thankyou x

Its just what the contract it. is 16 hours a week

It's a bit of a chicken and egg situation, isn't it? Your kiddo is used to you being there all the time so it is natural for them to notice you absence but the more they are exposed to flexibility the more resilient they become. Your anxiety over leaving them is also probably not helping. And I am saying it as an autistic person who took years to become tolerant of flexibility.
What is so dangerous about your city? Are your fears justified or is it again your anxiety talking?

You applied for, interviewed for and got to offer stage for a job BEFORE you decided whether you wanted it? Have you at any point thought about the company and how it would impact them if you decide pull out? Stop dithering and wasting people's time. Just get on with it.

Teaching assistant? The ultimate back to work job for stay at home mums with small children that have an interest in education and working with children.

You clearly don’t need the money so if you’re purely just wanting something for yourself whilst DC is at school, there are plenty of other things you could be doing that fit into school hours. Volunteering could be a start, joining fitness clubs, dog walking, college course etc? A 16 hour job isn’t really necessary unless you are actually wanting to earn some of your own money.

Interview is a 2 way process. No one owes a potential employer any loyalty!

There’s no harm in trying it though! If you’re working one weekend shift then there will only be 2 pick ups you miss, and the chances of your child being sick on those 2 days are less likely etc. You might find it’s all down to the pre anxiety and the actual thing is nowhere near as bad when you actually do it. You might even like the change from the weekly routine.
If it doesn’t suit your family once you’ve tried then you can quit.

I think it’s very common not to be “ready” to go back to work and to be honest it doesn’t mean you are not ready in reality.

Going back into an environment where there is pressure like this is always going to induce some degree of anxiety.

I don’t think it’s ever a good idea for a person to be wholly reliant on their partner’s income, whether married or not, for a number of reasons. I think you should give it a go to keep your hand in. You don’t have to stay in this job forever but it’s so important to have something on your CV.

What did you for work before? I would be looking at a hybrid role, 4 or 5 days, rather than 16 hours.

That's an appalling attitude! She's admitted she 'didn't really think about getting the job'', she thinks retail 'isn't particularly flexible', she's worried about picking her children up, she doesn't like the hours and Christmas working. All of these things were known to her BEFORE she wasted the company's time in considering her application. I agree that processes are two-way as each party learns more about the other but when you go into a process that you have given zero consideration to in advance, you are just wasting people's time which is highly unprofessional and pure selfishness.

You're a charming person!

It’s only 16 hours and it’s only 3 days. One of which js a weekend. That means you’re around for 3 full school days and at least the morning or afternoon pick up on the other days. Again, re Xmas it’s less than 6 hours a day: that means you’re not really missing Xmas with your child, they’ll be with their dad and you’ll only be gone part of the day

Was DC in nursery full time until now? You suggest crying every day for two years.