AIBU to not feel ready to go back to work yet? (SAHM)

[newmummylucy]

for context - I've been a sahm for the past 4 years, and my DC is starting school this September. Im not entirely sure if my DC is partially on the spectrum and when they were at nursery for 2 years the nursery manager was doing a lot of 1-1 with them and my DC cried almost every day for 2 years at drop offs, doesn't like loud noise, doesn't play with other children etc...

Im really lucky in that when we decided to try for a child we agreed I would be a SAHM, however I thought that would go on until at least school year 2-3 as my husband works really long hours, earns a lot of money and relies on me to be there for our child for pretty much everything during the week. We can afford for me to be a SAHM

I don't know if i've just got overwhelming anxiety about re-joining the work force (its a 16 hour a week retail job with the hours spread out over 3 days) I applied because I wanted something for me, but I didnt really think anything of actually getting the job.

Now i've been offered the job I just feel really worried about the whole thing. I know retail isn't particuarly flexible and Im worried that between myself, my husband and our friend picking our DC up from school on the days I am working our DC will feel really unsettled and it will make the transition to school really difficult. I can't imagine not being there for drop off or pick up knowing how upset our DC gets. Im also worried about when they are unwell and I will need to be the one to take time off from my job to care for them.

Although I am a SAHM I do have 100k in savings for our family's future which is my own money and Im really torn on whether to pull out of the job and wait to return to work when our DC is a little older.

Im just not entirely sure its worth it, missing out on things at christmas (e.g working christmas eve and boxing day) and one day of the weekend, and things at school and knowing i'm not right there at the drop of a hat should I be needed for the sake of an extra £700 a month

My husband has been really supportive either way saying there's no pressure but I sort of feel like there is a pressure as I feel bad for him being the only one earning and i know an extra £700 a month into our savings would be nice.

AIBU? please be kind - i'm feeling very all over the place at the moment

P.s I know im being vague about DC's gender etc but I don't want to go into too many personal details online

They’ll just move onto the next person, OP owes them nothing. Retail jobs always have hundreds of applications, if she turns it down or leaves after a few weeks they’ll find someone else, they won’t care.

I think you might be worrying more than you need to. My son does have an autism diagnosis and I’m working 35 hours a week 9-5. He copes okay with different people picking him up or dropping him off. Losing a weekend day with your family is quite a lot to give up though, would it be better to find a weekday only job?

Also, I think going back after being away is difficult - whether someone is starting after being a SAHM or long term sick leave or a sabbatical. The thought is always worse. Just give it a go, some extra cash and something recent on your CV is always a good thing.

Don't feel pressure to go back at all. So many people in here will be part of that pressure but truly it's up to you and what works for your family. I'm a SAHM my kid starts school tomorrow, I have a younger one so I'll be home with them a few more years. After that my husband said no pressure, so we'll see how I feel and what out there at the time. But I will be ignoring that pressure as best as I can.

It’s fine as long as you’re not reliant on universal credit, in which case tbh it does annoy me.

I would not want to be in a position where I was financially dependent on my husband. You have no idea what the future holds and surely it's better to get back into the workplace and look to develop your career, than risk being in a horrible situation if your marriage broke down. Of course it will probably be fine, but do you not want to work to give yourself an identity separate to wife/mother and to build up your skillset?

I would at least give it a try. I have a 6 year old who has ASD and has a 1-1 at all times at school. I still work 30 hours a week-term time only admittedly because we would never be able to find childcare in the school holidays for him. While it can be stressful, mentally I do feel better for working and it gives me adult company. I work in a school, different to my children and my work senco has been a great help for ds paperwork and meetings.

I have a son with additional needs. I work 12 hours a week. I do all drop offs plus 3 pick ups. Dh does one pick up and he goes to school club one day. It works well.

I wouldn't want to work full time as a lot of the day to day falls to me plus would be hard on ds I think.

I'd try it for a few months and see how you feel.

Also of the nd comes to anything you may be entitled to dla and carers allowance which is approx £700 per month

Thankyou all, Im not reliant on UC (not that theres anything wrong with that) we are thankfully doing okay for money and any money extra I earn would go towards nice family things like holidays etc

I also do have my own money Ive saved up should we ever need it.

Thankyou for everyone's advice - I've managed to line up a couple of more interviews for jobs during the week so we would have our weekends clear and they're also on set days which I think makes me feel MUCH better as we would have a fixed schedule

This. I would look to train in an area you’re passionate about. Presumably retail isn’t the long term plan?

You're instincts are talking to you here so I'd listen personally. If it doesn't feel right at the minute maybe wait a bit?

This 100%. My husband is the main earner but I do my part time hours and are the main care giver for my children, but it’s super important I contribute to our family too.

@Blueybanditbingochilli I don't claim any benefits

Thanks - No retail isn't the long term plan, I will eventually go back to my career when DC is older. I do have my degree and will go back to what I did before children eventually but its very full on and definitely not right at the moment. I applied for retail as I used to enjoy it when I did it many many years ago

The anti social hours are difficult and it may feel like neither of you get time off. DH will be doing all the parenting on his weekends and vice versa, it may feel excessive for both of you. I think something else might be more suitable. However if you enjoy retail it will re-energize you and be worth it, depends on how you feel.

After years of being a SAHM I volunteered in a charity shop 2 mornings and it was the best thing ever. I found myself getting up earlier, taking more care of my appearance and gaining so much more confidence. I gave it up to return to permanent work PT hours but it was a great way of gauging where my head was at.

I get it OP. I was a sahm for 10 years, and then went back to work full time. In my old career but a step down in the hierarchy.

I worried a lot about managing the schedule, but it's actually not been too bad. I really enjoyed getting back to work and 5 years later I secured 2 promotions.

It felt really overwhelming the idea of going back to work, but the reality was so much better than my anxiety.

I get it. Your instincts are telling you it's not the right time. No harm in declining the job, letting child settle into school for a few weeks and then revisiting the idea later

Thankyou so much, I actually managed today to get a couple of more interviews lined up in the area of work I used to work in but a lot lower down. The hours are set so i feel much more positive about this rather than waiting for a rota 1 week in advance in retail

Thankyou , thats really reassuring. I think part of it is anxiety and part of it is finding something that fits with our life. I was panicking that after being a sahm for a few years no one would want to employ me, but actually i've had a good response so far

It sounds like you're feeling really torn, and I completely understand why. Being a SAHM for four years and considering a return to work, especially when you're not sure about how your DC will cope, is a huge decision. It’s no wonder you're feeling overwhelmed, especially if you're already dealing with some anxiety about how your DC might transition into school life.

It sounds like your little one may need some extra support with the transition, and you're already doing so much by recognizing that and thinking about how changes like a new job could impact them. Nursery drop-offs sound like they were really tough for you both, and it’s completely natural to feel anxious about how school will go. If your DC does have additional needs, you’re probably right to be cautious about how much disruption they can handle, especially at such a key stage.

That said, I think it’s important to think about your own well-being too. You mentioned wanting something for yourself when you applied for the job, and that’s really valid! Even though it’s retail and the flexibility isn’t perfect, sometimes having that bit of space to do something outside of being “mum” can be good for you in the long run. You don’t have to feel guilty about wanting to earn money or contribute to your family’s savings. £700 extra a month is definitely helpful, but like you said, it’s a trade-off, and it’s okay to decide it’s not the right time for that trade-off right now.

It’s also great that your husband is supportive either way, though I totally get feeling like there’s pressure because of the one-income situation. But it sounds like you have some solid savings, which means you’ve got some flexibility to wait a bit longer if that feels right for your family. Maybe the job market will still be there in a couple of years when things feel more settled with school, and by then, your DC might be in a better place with drop-offs, playtime, and their emotions.

Ultimately, you know your child and your situation best, and whatever decision you make will be the right one for you and your family. It’s okay to put your DC’s needs first if that’s where your heart is pulling you. And if you decide to take the job, it’s okay to ask for help from your husband, friends, or the school to make sure the transition is as smooth as possible.

Whatever you choose, be kind to yourself—you’re doing great, and your worries are coming from such a place of love and care for your DC.
Wishing you the best of luck with whatever you decide! xx

YANBU to feel like that, but it's not going to get any easier, the longer you leave it. It's good for you to have something else in your life and gives you a bit more security if the relationship was to end. Maybe your DH would like to reduce his hours in the future, it's a lot being the sole earner in a family, so it's good you work so that is more feasible.

Just wanted to update you all to say I actually found a perfect job and i'm very happy there! thanks everyone :)

I’ve just read through the whole thread not realising it was from a while back. I’m so glad things worked out for you x