Come tell me IABU to be annoyed at adult daughter dropping me everytime she gets a better offer?

[Ginghamhouses]

Because it is really getting on my nerves.
We do not go out frequently but when we do sometimes we are actually out at the time (she has come because she wanted to) and then a friend or her boyfriend will message and she will just dump our day out and leave me and go meet them.
At other times she will have arranged a day out with me that she wants to go to (so not like I am dragging her out against her will) and she will either go out the night before and come back really late so she is too tired to go or not come home at all.

I suspect I am being unreasonable because she is an adult and can live her life but am I?
It is making me feel a bit shit tbh😑

Have you actually voiced this to her? She may not realise how flaky she’s being or how hurtful it is.

Next time it happens reply to her message with something along these lines:

Dear daughter, I’m really disappointed to hear that you’re cancelling our planned trip/day out again. As this happens quite often it leaves me feeling like I’m a second choice/not important to you. I value our relationship so much and would love for us to both put the effort it to spend quality time together.

That's just basic rudeness.

If you have agreed to something then you don't drop it as soon as a better invitation comes along.

Yes it's rudeness whether you're her mum or not. Bet she doesn't do it to her friends. Have you told her how it makes you feel?

I think it is rude. If it was a real opportunity, eg. Last minute surprise concert tickets then ok fine, you are her mum, she can move the date as a one-off and you’ll understand. All the time for nothing? No.

You shouldn’t have to spell it out to her like 1st response says. It’s basic manners & pure rudeness.

You wouldn't (presumably) accept anyone else treating you like this so why accept it from your daughter.

Next time it happens tell her you are not okay with being dropped when a 'better offer' comes her way. Ask her would she treat her friends or boyfriend in such a manner.

Or, if you are feeling childish, do the same to her, let her see mum has a life too.

Is it just you and her when you're out and she leaves you?

I have voiced it yes. She says she is not dumping me and is just trying to have fun with her friends. u
She literally left me in town when we had gone out shopping after an hour and a half because her boyfriend text he wanted help with a game.

Today she has gone out and said she was coming home for dinner about 6pm and then decided she wasn't (whatever) and is now trying to change the time we go out on a planned day out tomorrow to accommodate the fact that she is going to be elsewhere in the morning and will not want to wake or leave boyfriends early. She has already knocked it back to 11am when I was going to go early and I am not convinced that she will not try and change again in the morning and I do not want to be particularly waiting around until 11am before I could go

Yes.

The examples you give I dont really see as being a problem. Shopping is something you'd do by yourself. Changing her mind on dinner is OK. Changing a time to go out isn't a problem unless it affects other plans. Is there any other examples?

The next time she suggests doing something say no, and that she can’t be trusted not to cancel so you aren’t making plans with her anymore but if she is still free at the time she wants to do whatever it is she can call you and you’ll see if you fancy it then.

Its just rude. YANBU.

It's almost like she is treating you this way because she knows you'll forgive her. She wouldn't treat her friends or boyfriend like this, so I would be carrying on and doing what I wanted to do, when I wanted to do it. So if you want to go somewhere first thing then do so. If she joins you in your plans, great, but if she doesn't at least you'll be doing something you want to do.

How old is she? How new is the boyfriend?
Stop making general plans with her and meet up to go to the pictures etc. She is making a life for herself and you will have to leave her to it. Perhaps she feels a bit sorry for you so says yes? Or that she can't say no. Have it out with her next time you want to plan something.

Just go when you want to go in the morning, if she’s annoyed you went without her then tough, might make her realise.

I just wouldn't make plans with her.

She's very rude to you. I cannot bear flaky people who drop others when something 'better' comes up.

It doesn't matter if you can go alone or the event isn't that special like shopping. You made an arrangement and she lets you down a lot.

So just don't make arrangements with her. Do your own thing. Obviously be your usual loving self but no plans.

She is in her early twenties and it is things she is inviting herself to.
I was going to go on a day out today and was happy to go alone but because of transport times with it being a Sunday she asked if we could go tomorrow instead because she wanted to come but did not want to wait around all morning.
I am home tomorrow still so did not mind but now she is messing around making tomorrow as late as the time she did not want to go today.

I think the things you're describing is different to her having plans with you and then leaving for something else. This is not like you have both planned the cinema or an afternoon tea and she is leaving you alone. This is you going shopping, her saying ill come and then so far into the shopping she says I'm gonna go now. I dont think that's a problem...is it?

It sounds as though she has FOMO. Go out early tomorrow without her and when she asks why you've done that, be honest. She isn't really seeing you as a person, but as Mum. It's common in people under 25. But put a stop to it.

Leaving half way through unless ill is completely unreasonable. Perhaps time for tough love and not agreeing to anything for a while.

Not if you have arranged to spend the day shopping together. People do that, you know.

I agree that saying she won't be home for dinner is fine, but changing the time she has arranged to meet OP tomorrow is annoying and thoughtless.

Id tell her how pissed off I was. Next time you say you're doing something and she wants to come, you go at the time you want to go. Don't make any allowances for what she wants to do. She's being really rude.

I agree with others. Forgot the plans you made with her. Go out tomorrow at the time you want. Don't bother telling her and wait for her text asking to push it back further. When that text comes say you've already gone so no point her joining you etc. Do this to her a few times until she gets the message.

As I said the not coming home for dinner, whatever. Does not matter.
Asking to come out shopping with me and then taking off when you get a better offer is a bit crap tbh. I would not ask to come out with a friend or other family member and then do that.
I suppose the point I am most annoyed about is her wanting to go on a day out with me that I was happy to go on alone, changing that day from today to tomorrow to suit her better and then trying to change my plans and times for tomorrow also to suit her again which would waste half my day.

The OP said its things she's doing anyway and her DD invites herself along. That's different to making plans to spend the day together. People do that, you know.