Come tell me IABU to be annoyed at adult daughter dropping me everytime she gets a better offer?

[Ginghamhouses]

Because it is really getting on my nerves.
We do not go out frequently but when we do sometimes we are actually out at the time (she has come because she wanted to) and then a friend or her boyfriend will message and she will just dump our day out and leave me and go meet them.
At other times she will have arranged a day out with me that she wants to go to (so not like I am dragging her out against her will) and she will either go out the night before and come back really late so she is too tired to go or not come home at all.

I suspect I am being unreasonable because she is an adult and can live her life but am I?
It is making me feel a bit shit tbh😑

Fair enough, we all have different expectations. If my DD invited herself shopping with me she would be more than welcome. If she then wanted to leave before me she would also be more than welcome. But things affect people in different ways, if it means something to you that she sticks to what she said and she doesn't leave before you, just tell her she's not welcome if she is going to leave early.

I do get this but surely if I say I am going to go to the beach for example tomorrow and you say oh I want to come to the beach with you and you make arrangements to have dinner and what you want to do while there but then the person who has asked to come along asks to change the day because they still want to come but tomorrow suits them better is that not making plans to the day together?

Do your own thing to your own schedule. If she wants to come along then fine but it's on your terms.

I wouldn't do that (I hope I never did 😳) to my mum.

Changing the day is still plans together. I dont see an issue with it but that's just my opinion.

Start being a bit less flexible.
"No I don't want to change the date - I am going on X day"
No I don't want to leave later, I will leave at X time. You are welcome to join me if you are ready then".

Also, you need to not care so much. Find other friends to do things with. Don't expect her to give you her company at all - then any time she does spend with you will be a bonus.

I agree.
But you raised her 🤷‍♀️
Why doesn't she have basic manners and kindness ?
Sorry OP. I know I'm being harsh.

She is doing this because she can. She knows you will forgive her and not stop loving her. But she is taking advantage of your unconditional love. I think it’s disrespectful and it is as if she’s using you when there is nothing better on.

I tolerate this kind of stuff to some degree with my older teens but I do draw boundaries. I would be letting her know that I was pissed off and would only agree to an arrangement if she promised to honour it from now on.

Just stop letting her in the sense of tomorrow you want to drive to the beach at 8am well if she isn’t there for 8am you go without her. Stop letting her control your days out.

Go shopping because you want to go and don’t bother telling her in advance that your going.

Plan a meal for you, she can make her self something.

You basically have to stop being her easy / fall back option.

It is rude but I don’t think it’s that unusual at that age.

I once went out for dinner with my 20 something DD and had a lovely meal. The bill came and she offered to split it and I said I’d pay but we could move to the bar area and she could pay for a couple of cocktails.

Her phone rang and she announced her friends we’re going clubbing and were picking her up. I ended up getting an Uber home on my own.

However a few years on she’s embarrassed by this story and wouldn't do that now.

I'd do the same back. Teach her a lesson.

She's taking you for granted, because you're just mummy, and mummies let little girls treat them like shit and love them anyway.

@LissyG - The OP said its things she's doing anyway and her DD invites herself along. That's different to making plans to spend the day together.

But then if the dd says she wants to come along, she should be fitting in with her mum about when to leave etc., not trying to change the date and the time, inconveniencing OP and making her wait around... don't you see that?

What I'm saying is I don't see an issue if my DD said hey Mum can I come but will you go tomorrow instead. But I have a healthy relationship with my DD and if I couldn't change to the next day I'd say no, if I could I'd say yes. I am entitled to my opinion of saying it wouldn't bother me, I'd let my DD fit into what I was doing and I'd let her leave when she was done. That wouldn't be a problem for me. It would be a problem if we booked afternoon tea or a spa and she left, that I'd find rude.

YANBU.
She is being rude.

As a pp said, if it were a one off, for a specific offer, that would be different, but the fact it happens often is the issue, and even more so when she is actually out with you, and just leaves. That is incredibly rude.

As for tomorrow, I would message her and say you are quite happy to go on your own, and will be going at (9am?) or at whatever time suits you. Don't change your plans when she asks, and when she asks why not, then tell her that it is because she keeps abandoning you.

Yea she's an adult.

Yes you are mum and daughter.

But no, that doesn't make this behaviour ok.

She wouldn't accept it from another adult.

You don't want to,accept it from another adult.

Being related doesn't take away social norms. Sometimes the fact you forgive family more easily is how these situations end up as they are.

I agree tell her.

This is you going shopping, her saying I'll come and then so far into the shopping she says I'm gonna go now. I dont think that's a problem...is it?

It sounds to me as if you are modifying your plans to accommodate her, such as moving the day or starting later only to discover she bails out.

I'd change the dynamic, tell her your plans but just then stick to them. Say she is welcome to join but you can't change.

If she wants to spend time with you..

I think you are right to be annoyed OP. I can just about understand this with a teen whi hasn't been going out long and everything is new. But she is in her 20s. Do you feel you have spoilt her? I wouldn't be happy if my DCs behaved this way at that age. I think you need to set boundaries with her. She is taking you for granted. You wouldn't accept that kind of behaviour from a friend so why from a daughter who is a fully grown adult. Can honestly not understand those who say this is OK. Your time is as valuable as hers. I think you need to be firmer with her and not change plans just to fit in with her.

Next time she tries to arrange something, just say no, you're fed up with arranging to do stuff with her which she abandons if she gets a better offer.

Now - funnily enough one of my early 20s DDs pulled out of going out with me yesterday morning because she couldn't get her arse out of bed in time 😂(leave at 10)

It wasn't just me and her mind you, it was 2 of my other DDs and baby GD. We went without her and had fun and no hard feelings. I don't think she'd have pulled out if it was just the pair of us. She hasn't before.

I would have been pissed off if she did OP. I think you need to show your feelings! Be disappointed. Be annoyed.

I know as your kids get older and they chose to spend time with you you feel a bit grateful and don't like to upset the apple cart by being human and having feelings and opinions but you can't be walked all over 🤔

She's being really rude. Stop arranging things with her and definitely don't change your arrangements to suit her.