Should I pay for this??

[Hoparound]

DP has a DD who is 22 and resides between her mums and our home. Didn't want to carry on with uni and works 7 hours a week. She's looking to maybe start a college course but is unsure if it's what she wants to do.

Let me say we have a pleasant relationship and we get on fairly well. However, she stays with us a couple of times a week and helps herself to whatever she fancies but will also by stuff for herself we are not allowed to use. She doesn't contribute towards the home or really clean up after herself. This point causes huge problems in her mums house, hence why she stays with us.

I have a DD aged 9 from my marriage. DD is pretty responsible, not particularly a handful or difficult child. Can occupy herself and never has any issues with bedtime etc. Now she is older, I have enrolled onto a part time degree and was looking to book a babysitter one evening a week to watch my DD, in order for me to attend my university class. I found and vetted a highly recommended sitter and agreed to £10 p/h three and a bit hours a week.

Prior to me looking for a babysitter, there was no offer of help from partners DD, even though she'll probably be in ours using everything and leaving a mess behind her (that usually I end up seeing to), nor did my partner offer to take time out of his schedule to help. Probably would if I asked but he didn't offer, hence me going ahead with other arrangements. DP is now pushing me to ask his DD to babysit and pay her the £10 p/h to watch my DD, despite the fact there's a good chance she'll already be there using everything anyway. I have refused, as the babysitter is skilled and looks after children in her day job however, I'm really being pressured as he keep saying "why wouldn't you help xyz out she could use that money!" Am I being unfair? Should I pay her to do it instead, or should I stick to my guns and refuse to pay someone who I spend time and money on cleaning up after and feeding every week already?

You could ask his dd to do it for a much reduced rate if you want to, but I agree YANBU.

Thats the rate for a professional, not a sibling helping out.

Your DD and your choice, no one else is best placed to answer than you for this one

Thank you. I now feel bad but I clean up more after her than my DD who is 12 years younger! To then expect me to pay her, when I know I'll be coming home to a raided fridge, cupboards and a bomb explosion around the kitchen, living room and bathroom that I'll end up cleaning and probably replacing just really grates on me.

You have a DH problem. Why isn't he pulling her up on making messes that she doesn't clear up and why doesn't he pay her to babysit her own stepsister if she won't do it for free because its what families do?

Weird as fuck and she sounds very "princessy"

@BMW6 he does tell her but it's literally in one out the other. I never, ever kick off or say anything about it because I respect she's his daughter, but she's more than old enough to know to clean up after herself. I do feel a bit hurt, as I tolerate more than enough out of respect for my partner. Especially since she's a grown woman but acts like a teen in many ways. I wouldn't mind even a reduced rate but he wants me to pay her the full price for a fully functioning, experienced sitter.

Can’t you say this to them both? Maybe not with the comparison to your dd but the fact that the older dd creates work and expenses for you and does nothing to mitigate them?

I think she should be babysitting for free anyway! A 22 year old is an adult and if they are not contributing financially to the household then they should be making a different contribution that would benefit the household like babysitting, cooking, washing etc. If you DD was a lot younger I would agree about having someone qualified etc but assuming you can trust DPs DD then I don't think it's unreasonable to expect her to do this.
I also agree with PPs - you and DP should be having serious words with his DD who sounds like a spoiled brat who needs to learn to take some responsibilities.

I suspect the professional will be much more reliable than SD.
Perhaps tell SD you will reconsider the arrangement in 6 months depending on how responsible she can show herself to be e.g. cleaning up after herself etc.
As a 22 year old she should be on a chores rota for the household anyway

@AlertCat they're both fully aware of the situation. The same situation causes massive issues in her mums home with her mums long term partner also. Her dad just seems to have the attitude of "well you know what she's like" with an eye roll. I did say I was more comfortable paying someone for a proper service but he's really not happy about it.

He can't expect you to put his DD first by giving her money, when he can't be bothered putting your DD first by offering to look after her himself. He sounds like an idiot.

YANBU. I would expect your SD to volunteer to babysit your DD to return the favour of you subsidising her and cleaning up after her. Can’t your DH look after her? Is she his child?

You need someone who is reliable to look after your child.

You've made the arrangement, you're happy with your choice so stick to your guns.

Your husband's daughter sounds flaky to say the least, and spoilt. Of course you wouldn't want her to look after your child but if she did, you certainly wouldn't be paying her the same rate as someone who looks after children for a living.

Your husband doesn't sound like he wants to help you in any way either, clearly the apple doesn't fall far from the tree.

You're doing enough for this young woman already, you certainly don't need to pay her for the 'privilege' of cleaning up after her as well.

What you do need to do though, is put some rules in place, both with your husband and his daughter. You need to have a strong conversation with both of them.

You're not their housekeeper.

Does he see your point? If he isn’t happy that you won’t pay your DSD and you’re not happy to pay her while she behaves like this, it looks like a proper conversation about it all is the only way. It does a young person no favours IMO to let them get away with antisocial behaviour that if they did in other contexts- like a flat share- wouldn’t be tolerated. And it’s your money! If your OH had wanted to get involved surely it should have been before you searched for this professional woman? And who would step in if DSD decided she didn’t want the commitment any more? You need the certainty that you can attend your course without guilt, surely?

Gosh, at 22, I was a qualified nurse, responsible for 10 + patients working full time, and had bought my own house, 3 cats and a dog, and all the responsibility that comes with it. She needs a good kick up the bum tbh.

I do feel a bit hurt, as I tolerate more than enough out of respect for my partner.

That’s not you showing respect though, it’s you being a mug.

Just say I have decided on the sitter who be reliable Your step daughter may want to go out that evening what happens than? You need to stop filling the fridge with snacks.Make her less welcome she is a user.If she complains tell her to speak to her father.He should be clearing up her mess not you.Stay strong she sounds awful.

She works for 7 hours a week?! Even in term time at uni mine worked way more than that. If he wants his daughter to have more money he should suggest she works more hours!

Would never pay for someone who lived in my house to babysit so you are NBU to employ a babysitter when the others in your household clearly don't give a stuff about you!

DP is not my DDs father, she is from my marriage previous to this relationship. I would like to get across that they are both fully aware of the mess and destruction she causes. They excuse it by saying she has suspected ADHD and struggles with household chores. I'd just much prefer to not have to come home after working 8 hours, uni for 3 hours and then paying someone who will already be there, especially spend half hour cleaning up after her because she "doesn't realise the mess" and "forgot to get round to it." Thank you all so much for your feedback. Was starting to feel like the wicked stepmother.

Well then I'm afraid your DH is a prize plum and his attitude is enabling his dd's piss poor behaviours. Don't you join in with it!

I wouldn't hire her out of principle and he (and her) can piss off together.

Appalling parental failure on his part.

I know we get told off on MN for being too quick to cry LTB on a snapshot… but actually, what is the point of your boyfriend?

• he doesn’t parent his child
• he doesn’t parent his child in a way that impacts you
• despite you do plenty for his child, he hasn’t said, “why on earth are you paying over £30 a week on a babysitter when I can be in?”
• he’s now got the arse because you don’t want to spoil his already spoilt child with your hard earned money

He doesn’t sound all that 🤷🏻‍♀️

But why are you clearing up after?
Suspected ADHD 🙄 yeah oh course…
Fine, let’s humour him that it’s a brain thing and not his shit parenting - but why wouldn’t he clean up after her so you’re not stuck doing it?

ADHD can impact getting started on housework or completing it. Don’t see how ADHD makes her use your stuff but not not all you hers. Even if you want to claim poor impulse control on the former, ADHD doesn’t stop her being very clear about what you can’t touch.

as I said before - what’s the point of him?

God, no. And mainly because it doesn't sound as though she would be capable of caring for your DD in the way she deserves

If she needs more money, then she can work more hours, surely?

You want somebody reliable and committed - not somebody doing it under duress. It will really impact your schedule if she’s flakey. I know exactly what you mean about the mess too. My parents are so untidy and when they take care of my kids I always get back to an absolute tip. I just use sitters now as it isn’t really a break for me when it just creates another task.

I’d stick with the babysitter on the basis that his dd is “sometimes” with you and would she be especially reliable to actually be there on the evenings you’d need her? Surely her dad must agree she’s not the most responsible or is he going to take over in his DD’s absence?

@MrsGhastlyCrumb exactly this. I feel my DD would end up looking after herself or roles reversed. She's been for interviews apparently but nobody has offered her a job.

Im happier paying someone who will not trash the place and expect to be paid for it. We've had so many discussions about it calmly and respectfully but nothing changes and I don't leave the mess pile up because it's not fair on my DD to have to sit in it. I did leave her pots once for four days and DP eventually washed them but it was disgusting. Her dad and I both work full time, he at different hours during the week.

I feel paying her for this acts as a bit of a deterrent in her looking for more hours in a job. I don't actually know how she's paying for life at the moment. Maybe her mum gives her an allowance. Definitely doesn't have that off me or her dad. DP does excuse a lot of her behaviour and we could argue about it constantly if I thought about it too much. He has spoken to her about respecting our home multiple times but nothing really changes.