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Original poster

Should I pay for this??

54 replies

Hoparound · 01/09/2024 16:17

DP has a DD who is 22 and resides between her mums and our home. Didn't want to carry on with uni and works 7 hours a week. She's looking to maybe start a college course but is unsure if it's what she wants to do.

Let me say we have a pleasant relationship and we get on fairly well. However, she stays with us a couple of times a week and helps herself to whatever she fancies but will also by stuff for herself we are not allowed to use. She doesn't contribute towards the home or really clean up after herself. This point causes huge problems in her mums house, hence why she stays with us.

I have a DD aged 9 from my marriage. DD is pretty responsible, not particularly a handful or difficult child. Can occupy herself and never has any issues with bedtime etc. Now she is older, I have enrolled onto a part time degree and was looking to book a babysitter one evening a week to watch my DD, in order for me to attend my university class. I found and vetted a highly recommended sitter and agreed to £10 p/h three and a bit hours a week.

Prior to me looking for a babysitter, there was no offer of help from partners DD, even though she'll probably be in ours using everything and leaving a mess behind her (that usually I end up seeing to), nor did my partner offer to take time out of his schedule to help. Probably would if I asked but he didn't offer, hence me going ahead with other arrangements. DP is now pushing me to ask his DD to babysit and pay her the £10 p/h to watch my DD, despite the fact there's a good chance she'll already be there using everything anyway. I have refused, as the babysitter is skilled and looks after children in her day job however, I'm really being pressured as he keep saying "why wouldn't you help xyz out she could use that money!" Am I being unfair? Should I pay her to do it instead, or should I stick to my guns and refuse to pay someone who I spend time and money on cleaning up after and feeding every week already?

OP posts:
JumboTrudgeon · 01/09/2024 17:13

Do not pay her. She's already taking the piss, why should you pay her to make a mess and raid the cupboards.

Who owns the house?

Skyrainlight · 01/09/2024 17:14

Stick with the professional babysitter. Your DP could have offered to babysit himself, he could have offered for his daughter babysit for a reduced rate before you looked for a babysitter. It seems that as soon as he finds out you'll be paying decent money all of a sudden is daughter is the perfect solution. She sounds a little irresponsible and I can imagine her letting you down. Stick with the original plan.

SoOriginal · 01/09/2024 17:16

he’s expecting you to pay his DD for a service she has no experience in (and probably no interest) and yet he’s offered no help in looking after your own DD. He sounds lovely!

fuffymeloncauli · 01/09/2024 17:16

Stick to your plan OP.

Original poster
Hoparound · 01/09/2024 17:17

It would be difficult for my partner to watch my DD every week, due to his own job. If he took time away to do this, it would be unpaid. But yes he could have offered, it would have impacted our income though.

OP posts:
LivingDeadGirlUK · 01/09/2024 17:21

Your partner is deluded if he thinks you should pay her to make a mess and eat your food. It's quite disturbing he has suggested this to you instead of suggesting to her she should do it in return for you feeding and cleaning up after her. I think you need to be very blunt about this, he should also be the one cleaning up after his adult daughter if anyone is!

Sunshineandtequila · 01/09/2024 17:23

Personally I’d say I’d love that, as you know right now she’s struggling to tidy up after herself and Isn’t functioning fully , once she gets that nailed I will consider it, in the meantime she needs to work on these things , with your support. It’s not about her needing the money. It’s about paying for a specific service.

Createausername1970 · 01/09/2024 17:25

Nah, stick to your guns.

Just say to DP "it's bad enough that I am expected to clear up after her because she won't do it and you refuse to take responsibility for her, so am not going to be paying her as well. If things change, then maybe I will reconsider, but the onus is on her"

Coconutter24 · 01/09/2024 17:27

Hoparound · 01/09/2024 16:53

DP is not my DDs father, she is from my marriage previous to this relationship. I would like to get across that they are both fully aware of the mess and destruction she causes. They excuse it by saying she has suspected ADHD and struggles with household chores. I'd just much prefer to not have to come home after working 8 hours, uni for 3 hours and then paying someone who will already be there, especially spend half hour cleaning up after her because she "doesn't realise the mess" and "forgot to get round to it." Thank you all so much for your feedback. Was starting to feel like the wicked stepmother.

“They excuse it by saying she has suspected ADHD and struggles with household chores.”

And he wants you to leave a child with her when she struggles to tidy up. If she can look after a child she can tidy up

Skyrainlight · 01/09/2024 17:38

Coconutter24 · 01/09/2024 17:27

“They excuse it by saying she has suspected ADHD and struggles with household chores.”

And he wants you to leave a child with her when she struggles to tidy up. If she can look after a child she can tidy up

Show quote history

I'd flip that and say if she can't tidy up because she has suspected ADHD there is no way she can look after a child.

Autumnismyfavouritetimeofyear · 01/09/2024 17:41

I am going to go against the grain here - if you are going to pay it anyway, I would be open t paying it to her. But it would come with a lot of provisos - in order to do it, she has to show she can behave like an adult which includes picked up after herself. I also wonder about your partner - you did not ask him to help? Why did he now know that the situation would mean there were childcare needs?

Babyworriesreal · 01/09/2024 17:44

Your babysitter will supervise, feed and possibly entertain your child. I have a feeling DSD would just be there, seeing to herself and making a mess, as usual. No way.

Todaysbetterthanyesterday · 01/09/2024 17:49

She’s your dd it’s your decision. If step daughter has an issue looking after herself, she cannot look after a 9 year old.
i paid my dd once or twice instead of our usual cleaner, (cleaner was on hols) bc my dd wanted to earn some money. It was not worth the hassle, half arse job that in essence was me giving money for nothing, get the professional in and say it’s easier. If you don’t like the way things are going it’s so much easier to just find a new sitter than the upset of your household, you can’t separate being the step parent and the employer without having a tough time,

DeCaray · 01/09/2024 17:50

Smile at your boyfriend and tell him what a great idea he has come up with to pay for services! His daughter can earn the £10 an hour for babysitting and you will be charging her the same for housekeeping duties.

VickyEadieofThigh · 01/09/2024 17:50

Autumnismyfavouritetimeofyear · 01/09/2024 17:41

I am going to go against the grain here - if you are going to pay it anyway, I would be open t paying it to her. But it would come with a lot of provisos - in order to do it, she has to show she can behave like an adult which includes picked up after herself. I also wonder about your partner - you did not ask him to help? Why did he now know that the situation would mean there were childcare needs?

Why would you? This young woman creates work for the OP, doesn't contribute but eats whatever she likes (whilst ringfencing everything she buys strictly for herself), makes an awful mess and "doesn't notice it". The OP needs someone she can trust with her 9 year old, not an adult child who's flaky and unreliable.

SuncreamAndIceCream · 01/09/2024 17:53

SDD should be doing it for free. In fact your DP should have suggested it - after all she contributes nothing to the house except mess.

I can't believe the gall of the man to suggest that you pay her!

HideousKinky · 01/09/2024 18:00

How certain can you be she would even be reliable?

Would she suddenly say oh I'm going out that evening this week, sorry?

This seems to me the most important reason to employ someone who babysits professionally - the certainty they will turn up so you're not left high and dry

Autumnismyfavouritetimeofyear · 01/09/2024 18:00

VickyEadieofThigh · 01/09/2024 17:50

Why would you? This young woman creates work for the OP, doesn't contribute but eats whatever she likes (whilst ringfencing everything she buys strictly for herself), makes an awful mess and "doesn't notice it". The OP needs someone she can trust with her 9 year old, not an adult child who's flaky and unreliable.

Show quote history

Because I would if she gets on ok with the child and would be happy for the money to go to a family member. I said it would come with provisos about her acting like a grown up. Similar to what a PP said.

Original poster
Hoparound · 01/09/2024 18:04

@Autumnismyfavouritetimeofyear if she's not going to take heed of her entire family, regarding her attitude to housework and self sufficiency, I don't think she's suddenly going to listen to us all for the sake of £40 a week.

Yes I do feel she would be flaky. She clearly doesn't see my DD as any kind of relation to her which is absolutely fine, therefore I don't think she'd show and commitment towards taking care of her regularly.

OP posts:
caringcarer · 01/09/2024 18:13

I'd refus and say you want an experienced babysitter who will probably be first aid trained and won't leave the kitchen like a bomb hit it. If your stepdaughter had volunteered I'd have offered her £7 ph but as she didn't I wouldn't consider her.

caringcarer · 01/09/2024 18:15

Also I'd tell dad directly to stop leaving your house in a mess and to clean up after herself.

murasaki · 01/09/2024 18:17

If she can't, or rather won't, stop trashing the house, which is stuff, you'd be mad to leave her in charge of an actual vulnerable human. Say that to your DP.

godmum56 · 01/09/2024 18:22

so what does your current partner bring to the party apart from a nightmare of a a daughter and an arsey attitude?

steppemum · 01/09/2024 18:23

I think that there is a simple answer to this.

you - SD I would like to give you the job of looking after dd, but that job includes tidying up after yourself and dd, making food and washing up, so that when I get home the house is clean and tidy. At the moment you don't do that. If you want the job, then you need to demonstrate to me that you can do that. if you can do that 5 times in a row when staying here, I will give you the job for a probabtioary period. If you keep it up, you get the job. As soon as I come home to a mess, you lose the job.

That way you have accommodated everyone, and got what you wanted.

Sewsewsew · 01/09/2024 18:39

not read the full thread

but can you trust her to be there when you need her to be, or is she likely to let you down, personally I’d pay for a babysitter and know my studies wouldn’t be disrupted.

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